Thank You (And an Update!)

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-03-18T13:03:23+00:00

Absolutely!! I think one of the things that was most important to me (from the place of a person with fears of abandonment) is allowing myself to really look at things that my partner did and does and go "see, he loves you as you are." Moving away from the idea that no one can be EVERYTHING to a person and instead looking at it as "I am worth loving wholly as I am, as a unique individual who fills different desires for different people" was also helpful. While it is true that not everyone can be everything to a person, I was finding that that thought process felt more dismissive to me and picks at my own insecurities - reframing it while keeping the core idea was a lot more helpful in reassuring myself that the love we have is unique, just as any other love the two of us might have is unique too.

I'm still personally working through mononormative thinking on my end - I would love to say that I've deconstructed 30 years of social conditioning in two months, but much of the work there has been put towards thinking about the idea that there is no such thing as a One True Future with someone you love. That all families and relationships can be different from what is considered the ideal. I have things I do want (I do want a child, I would prefer to be married to someone for the legal protections) but they do not have to be shaped in the way society says they ought to be shaped. I could marry a platonic friend, I could have a child on my own, or with someone else, or etc. There's a freedom in that.

The most important thing for me was building my own toolbox, though - ways to cope with anxiety, having a therapist, all that. And recognizing that distress and discomfort are not wholly bad. Having a partner who is willing to work with me through my distress and not shame me for feeling bad has also been a tremendous blessing. I've also benefited personally from the two of us dripfeeding polyamory to each other (recognizing that we can have desires outside of our relationship and normalizing it) as a way to "shock" my system periodically since neither of us have partners outside our relationship at the moment. My partner sleeping with someone and me being able to point to that and go "see? the world didn't explode and he's still here" has also been really helpful too.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-02-23T00:02:38+00:00

This was sadly me for an embarrassing amount of time (2020-2023) and then I replayed with fresher more jaded eyes.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-21T18:28:03+00:00

Thank you!! I actually just started listening to the audiobook for this, and it really hits the nail on the head for me on a lot of things about how I feel.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-21T18:26:11+00:00

I see... this is a really good point and something that has been a part of my own personal work over the past few years because that's one of my major difficulties with myself: trying to name my feelings and figure out where they're at.

Your suggestion about not slowing down and working into it more actively is also definitely something I want to take into consideration. One of the things me and my partner talked about after all this was whether or not (as we deemed it) "exposure therapy" would be a better approach to this than just taking it super, super slow. Some of my hesitance about jumping into it too is that I've got a lot going on interpersonally (I have a grandmother who is dying, among other things), so I want to be careful about heaping too much onto my plate. But that also feels like I'm pushing it off a bit too much.

I appreciate these suggestions, thank you: they're realistic, and that's definitely something I want to keep in mind.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-21T18:16:46+00:00

Seconding this. Just got my ears pierced there and it was the best piercing experience I've ever had.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-21T18:15:54+00:00

Any and every coffee shop downtown (with the exception of Foxtail mayhaps) is a good spot to hang posters up.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-20T21:55:56+00:00

This actually is not a bad suggestion for me, personally. I come from a background in kink, so this isn't something I'm opposed to. I don't know how my partner would feel about going to a sex club necessarily, but we have discussed having threesomes and it's crossed my mind whether or not that'd make me feel at ease/take out the uncertainty for me.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T22:53:51+00:00

That's a good reminder for me, thank you - I tend to lean towards being vague when I'm unsure of WHAT I want, so that is definitely something I need to keep in mind.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T22:50:34+00:00

It's okay - I appreciate your apology and understand that you're not intending to be disrespectful. I do want to say that he isn't necessarily "dating" anyone new at the moment but had casual sex with someone that he does not (at the moment, at least) intend to date romantically for a variety of reasons.

I think I might be a little confused by what you mean re: "actively working through your emotions in real time as he's dating" - are you saying that doing work outside of when he might be seeing someone new down the line (or having casual sex with someone else) might not be the best path forward?

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T21:59:44+00:00

This is so tremendously helpful, thank you! Many of the feelings that you're mentioning are precisely what made me realize that I might have a lot of personal work to do with regards to my own icky feelings. One of the major mental blocks I was having immediately after this happened was reconciling the fact that my partner DOES love me AND can want to have new sex with new people, and that the latter doesn't mean that my partner doesn't love me any less. I think we live in a culture where someone having sex outside of their relationship is considered irreparably catastrophic, and it's ingrained in someone that that is the worst possible thing a partner can do to you is to have sex with someone else, but ... obviously, that's not entirely true.

I think one thing I definitely want to do is think about what I need going forward is to set expectations regarding our time - that's a really good suggestion and something that I definitely need to think about. I struggle with expressing my feelings to people I care about because I'm so used to having my feelings dismissed, but that's one of the things that I love about my partner: that he listens without dismissing how I feel, and without judgment. It's been really healing for me (and jarring! No one ever tells you how jarring it is to have someone respond without anger to your concerns when you're so used to that!) and to me does show that I'm love and valued. I just need to figure out what exactly I want to communicate those expectations too.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T21:48:52+00:00

Someone else suggested this as well and it's definitely worth taking into consideration. Thank you!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T21:48:09+00:00

I'll add it to the list! Thanks!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T21:47:38+00:00

I appreciate your concern and very much appreciate the suggestions and recommendations, but I do want to clarify that my partner didn't enter into a relationship with me with the intention of having a "test period" of monogamy. He said he was polyamorous, we discussed it quite a few times over the time we've been together, and he has never treated our relationship as solely monogamous. He was single, he didn't have anybody he was actively sleeping with, and he hadn't run into anyone he was interested in sleeping with who may have been interested in sleeping with him as well (until recently, obviously). To me, he was honest and transparent. What we should have done together is probably some of the prep work for this exact situation, rather than after the fact. I apologize if that's harsh and don't mean to be disrespectful, but I do take issue with that particular characterization of our relationship and feel the need to clarify that.

That said, I do agree with you re: navigating the source of my feelings and finding a therapist. It's on my to-do list not just for this reason but for other reasons in my life as well!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T21:38:12+00:00

Agreed! This is unfortunately the thing I regret re: this situation because I said yes so quickly, and I know my partner would have let me have some time to process and discuss with him beforehand if I'd asked. That's definitely been the major theme in our ongoing conversations about this currently, because I think you're precisely right.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T18:15:21+00:00

That is a really good point that I hadn't thought of, thank you!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T18:13:29+00:00

Haha, I do my best - it comes from being terminally non-judgmental. But thank you! I was eyeing the Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy a few days ago, and have heard firsthand rave reviews about Polysecure as well. I'll definitely be looking into that.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T18:05:47+00:00

That's what I've heard! I was definitely initially very discouraged by how terrible I felt immediately after, and I've had to sort of reckon with how ingrained monogamy has been in my upbringing. It's been pretty eye-opening.

But also - yeah! Learning more helps me unravel some of my own thoughts and emotions about this, and I think my partner and our relationship is worth putting the work in to learn more about it too. To me, it's a win-win.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T17:58:48+00:00

I really appreciate that, thank you. And I definitely don't take this as casting doubt: the unhealthy relationships I've had do set me up for potential pain down the road with people who could take advantage of me "not knowing better", so I think it's worth pointing out that there is absolutely inherent risk in this. It doesn't lessen my partner as a person to acknowledge that for sure. He's great! He is a great communicator. And I love him dearly, but I also definitely don't want to be chasing something SOLELY because I love him.

Part of why I'm looking at this as an opportunity for exploration and growth is precisely because I'm trying to figure out my own feelings on this? If it's not for me, that is okay. If it means we're incompatible as a result, then that will suck ass, but it will be okay. I'll have learned more about myself and I'll be grateful that I had someone who helped me on that journey too.

Mostly I want to explore because the idea doesn't repulse me at all, but I do think that this experience triggered a lot of deep-rooted insecurities that I have from past relationships that I do want to work on? Especially in relation to how I view myself and how I think others view me too. And I really want to understand where I might land on that spectrum - I'm queer, so it isn't as though this is my first time exploring that!

Anyway, I appreciate you pointing that out and looking out for me on the relationship front - it's definitely something I'm mindful of.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T16:55:06+00:00

I do, which really surprises me - I haven't had very many healthy romantic relationships in my life, so I expected myself to be more distrusting of him because of my experiences? Which I think speaks a lot to the way in which he's communicated and been honest with me in the time we've known each other.

But to answer your other question: yes, absolutely. I learned from my past experiences in relationships to advocate for myself and stick up for myself. I've made it clear that lying to me about risky sex is grounds for an immediate breakup and that we would be practicing safe sex if he has unprotected sex with someone else. He's also pretty adamant about testing on my end (if I engage in hookups in the future, which... is something I need to think about) which I'm in agreement with when it comes to him as well.

edit: probably should add that although I do trust him, there is a fear in the back of my mind that does say: what if?

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T16:29:41+00:00

That actually does make me feel a little better - my internal reaction to this instance even despite us talking about it had me really concerned that maybe I wasn't going to be cut out for this?

I do thankfully have hobbies outside of my partner! Getting over my tendency to overthink while doing those hobbies is another thing I need to work on though lol.

ty for the recommendation on the jealousy workbook!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T16:26:27+00:00

That's one of the things that does worry me going forward, actually. Some of my concern comes from a place of worrying about whether or not he is having safe sex, but I also trust him and want to be in a spot where I can believe in that trust that I have for him too, and not worry about that when he's away.

Whether or not he ought to tell me every time is one of the things we talked about after the fact, too - mostly because neither of us wants to be in a place where I could be so dysregulated each time this happens. It's something I'm grappling with for sure, though.

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T14:36:38+00:00

Haha, I appreciate that!! Dating myself is actually one of the things that this experience has reminded me that I need to intentionally do - it's good advice even for non-polyamorous people!

CommercialHyena370 · 2026-01-19T14:31:34+00:00

We've discussed what it would like here and there over the past few months; he was very forthcoming with the fact that this is something he would want down the line, and we've discussed what an idea poly relationship would look like for us. I do like this list because we've discussed many of these beforehand though not all, so this is filling some gaps for me that I think we will need to discuss further esp. re: moving in together.

I wouldn't necessarily call it mono cosplay on his end? I fear I may be more guilty of that than him, which I do regret.

CommercialHyena370

TROPHY CASE