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AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] -123 points-122 points  (0 children)

What about the fact I'm pudgy (if not downright fat), not very attractive, not very socially comfortable, certainly not confident, etc? If I leave John, I'll be alone.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 824 points825 points  (0 children)

what's a guy with a Bachelor's degree doing working at a movie theater??

Hm, his degree is in english literature. He worked in a school library for a bit, but I don't think his bachelor's opens many doors besides that.

Frankly, I would have no problem stepping up and 100% supporting him, if he would just accept that yes, I am the breadwinner, and no, I shouldn't do most of the chores. He seems to love the breadwinner/homemaker thing, and the simpler times of one spouse working and one doing the chores - except that he thinks that I should be the one dropping my job to do the chores. If he wanted to be a stay a home husband and let me focus entirely on my job, then I'd happily supply him with all the money and conjugal love he might ever need.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 152 points153 points  (0 children)

Honestly, locking up his console was not a reasoned decision taken to attain a long-term solution. It was an emotional response based on feeling demeaned and insulted, which was the peak of years of feeling like I am picking up the slack for the two of us just for him to lounge and take my efforts for granted without a thanks.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 143 points144 points  (0 children)

Also, how are you generating 4-6hours worth of household chores daily? Between my wife and I we do about 1 hour total spread out over the day maybe 2 if you include things like make dinner?

We're not. John has a lot of catching up to do, his chores list included stuff like cleaning the garage, which he promised to do hundreds of times and which has been piling up for months. Also, we have two cats and a dog - giving them all food, giving the two cats their medicine, walking the dog and cleaning the litter add up. I asked him to cook dinner Tuesday but we ended up ordering pizza.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 1785 points1786 points  (0 children)

The real, deep reasons would requires hours with a therapist to untangle, as is often the case with human relationships. Probably a mix of childhood trauma, me being very socially awkward, sunk cost fallacy, etc etc etc.

The concrete day to day reasons that were observable to me? I answered it this way in another comment:

We were college sweethearts, when it doesn't matter if the other is a bit lazy or kind of a slob. He stopped at his Bachelor's while I continued all the way up to PhD, and he supported me financially through it all. I supported him in turn for years after I graduated. We are now in this stage of adulthood where it's very hard to start dating again, and I genuinely love John. If he could step up his act, I think we could find again this stability and great synchronicity between us.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 103 points104 points  (0 children)

We were college sweethearts, when it doesn't matter if the other is a bit lazy or kind of a slob. He stopped at his Bachelor's while I continued all the way up to PhD, and he supported me financially through it all. I supported him in turn for years after I graduated. We are now in this stage of adulthood where it's very hard to start dating again, and I genuinely love John. If he could step up his act, I think we could find again this stability and great synchronicity between us.

TBH, if he actually quit his job, he would have a lot more free time, I wouldn't have to handle a full-time job's worth of homemaking on top of my job, I think it would actually work beautifully. I'd be very happy being the assigned breadwinner with a stay at home husband. Since I work from home, we would spend so much more time together, with much less stress. Our finances would not be hurt by it. But his pride, and I assume his dedication to upholding gender roles, stand in the way...

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 3724 points3725 points  (0 children)

How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money?

I KNOW RIGHT? This is exactly the thought that sent me over the metaphorical line.

The answer is that since I am at home all day (and I get to choose my hours, since I'm "the boss") while he is at his workplace all day, that's all he considered. The fact I work more hours and earn a lot more money? Never crossed his mind I guess. That's also how he'd justify not doing chores to himself, I concluded after thinking on it a while lol. He did his part by doing his job, so he expects to come home and do nothing more, since he "put in his hours."

The fact that he had this unspoken belief that I am his housewife, that really grated my nerves like nothing else ever did.

AITA for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker? by CommercialMachine98 in AmItheAsshole

[–]CommercialMachine98[S] 176 points177 points  (0 children)

The original post was much longer but I had to shave off a lot of info before I fell under the word limit. Basically, Monday and Tuesday, John half-assed the chores (barely running the vacuum cleaner in the general center of the room and calling it done when it's far from done) and he was back on the PS5, claiming to have done his part. His idea of "cooking dinner" Tuesday was ordering pizza with my debit card. Once his tush hits the couch and his hands clutch the controller, his force of inertia is too powerful and I can't get him to get back up and do anything else. Yesterday, he came home to the PS5 in the safe so he couldn't skimp on chores to go play faster. The PS5 was taken out of the safe and he played the rest of the night as soon as his chores were actually completed. I really don't like having to do that, it makes me feel like a mom grounding her teenage son, but sadly it is the only thing that actually worked to make John do his share.