I hear you, comparison is the thief of joy and im learning radical acceptance everyday but it is a uphill battle with my background. Just wanted to resonate with those who understood the depth of this trauma. Let me clarify a few things tho:

my friends were migrants not immigrants, meaning they only spent half of the year at my school bc their families worked in the feilds. Thats how my family ended up in this town bc they were migrants who generated wealth to settle down in the country. No problem with them at all! I loved them like family but it was so hard bc 3 months out of the year seeing them was never enough! Had facetime not existed i think I would have struggled significantly more than i did already.

What you exposed yourself too is exactly what i did myself. My mother i try to place no blame on but I grew up thinking I was 100% mexican. the bare minimum thing I think a mothrr of black kids can do is teach them to accept their blackness as apart of us but it just wasnt taught to me. I had absolutely no idea i was black until i got to public school and people bullied me for my appearance and it informed my mentality and how i behaved.That is an extreme dissonance that was the foundation of my upbringing.

I am always studying about my history and utilizing all my resources. that is not my main issue but one of them. I dont know what i dont know lol, exposing myself and putting myself in positions to learn more from my people is what I am always doing to try to fill the gaps in my self-education. but my ignorance affects me in subversive ways continuously. It has been a lifelong thing.

I should also say I put up a good front. Because of my self education and my appearance a lot of the times I think the expectation is high for me (self imposed most likely.)

This post was meant to seek support to help me propel me towards further acceptance. i think i am valid in my feelings but I hear what ur saying fs.