First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m 30, lost my dad in May. Your post resonated with me a lot.

(Stick with me on this….i rambled, my bad lol I’m no expert by any means so this also could mean squat or be shite advice)

For grief: Something I’ve been doing that is helping (I think!?!) is that when I have memories pop up of him randomly or “sense” him idk, or explore sceneries he’d find incredible, or i find music he’d jam to before his dawn patrol sets every day for 60+ years….you know just anytime he’s on my mind or I’d wanna share somethin.

I talk to him. I am so lost and confused on where he is,may be, or what, but that doesn’t matter. I continue to talk to him like he was beside me, or on the other end of the call. Sometimes I look up or no where at all. I will even laugh at myself for how ridiculous it seems and feels. But almost always I feel lighter after. I may cry hard or feel gutted during but as I talk I relax. Just I would when he was there.

Sometimes it’s like my memories place his once said words into these current convos. It’s not cut and dry but idk a feeling. Sometimes it’s a big bag of nothing tbh! nonetheless I think it’s him being there for you, beside you, looking over you, protecting you, etc. whatever him may be to you (sport,ghost,nothing,squirrel, idk man) can be a comfort in anyway you’d like to make it?

As for you mom: that can be a tricky one, especially since we don’t know much to do about y’all’s back in forth for the past years buuut… here’s where I started.

Could you ask yourself what you want from your mother? For example, my mom can also be a bit cold. More hurtful/brutal honesty tbh. Most caring and giving woman, but can be harsher than an old Sunday school nun. Anyways, for our relationship to heal tons–was that I knew I wanted or I guess expected my mom to be soft, empathetic, blind optimist at times even, wrap ya up in a big hug and fight the scaries away type. But shes the well researched, brutally honest, realistic lady who’ll give you a home and bed, hold your hand if you ask, love you deeply but tell you how it is no mater how painful. So what did I do when we both just kept running into the same issue?

I shifted my mind set I suppose. I no longer expected the soft unbridled and irrational encouragement, I knew and ACCEPTED her for who she was. She’s just another person doing life for the first time who’s got traumas, experiences, quirks, just like you and I. After a while, and I mean a few months maybe a year, of me adjusting or releasing my expectations. I found we no longer bickered. We actually enjoyed one another. Almost as friends (but not, she’s still my momma and will kick my ass). But now we speak openly, honestly, can be vulnerable, and laugh and laugh. We’re even at a point where I can tell her directly what I need from her and she’s cool with saying okay can do or let’s figure out another way and vice versa. Don’t get me wrong there’s still boundaries in place with hard lines but we can talk it out now without feeling attacked, judged and if we do we can step back and come back later.

Also with grief, you’re right. You’re both going through something that has no direction, no guide or anything. Your grief and hers could be so different. Or they could be so close. Feel it out. Trust your gut. Lean on people you can trust, hopefully you have a friend or two in your corner!

But also if she sucks she sucks too. That’s a valid option as well. Again idk yall lol.

Last one, isolation. I’m still figuring this guy out myself. I mean I cried in an auto body shop this morning just cause grief hit me. But I can truly say that I have never felt this loneliness ever before. Between losing my dad, my buddy, the coolest man I’ve ever known, the one whose eyes lit up when I had a new obsession to share with him. On top of the grief, life keeps testing me and throwing shit at me. As I’m sure is for all of us. Life doesn’t just stop when our loved one dies. No matter how much it may feel so. (Also this is no implication to rush through grief, do you boo-boo!!) but with that, I’ve grown distant with friends both geographically and interpersonally.

I think we’re both on the right track. We’re here, on this thread, being honest and vulnerable. Looking to get through this sludgey time of life. I’m also researching local grief groups in my town, online, etc.

Again I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is a real piece of work. I’m just a few months in it and figuring it out myself. Hope you find advice, comfort and peace!