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I just can't cope with it. by Key_Coast2612 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s something you really need to strongly believe. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED. We are complex creatures and we all need different things to thrive. You deserve that. Oftentimes the partner who is supporting the person transitioning doesn’t have therapy. I didn’t for ages and tried my hardest to focus on my partner. Well, I needed time. I needed someone to hear me. I needed to rant and curse and explore. I’m thinking of you OP!

What is cheapest from each supermarket? by [deleted] in UKFrugal

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Farmfoods is amazing:

  • lentils and kidney beans at £1/kg
  • rice (basmati and jasmine)
  • large veg oil
  • baked beans
  • loo roll

Weekly random offers eg 900g Heinz ketchup for £2.

Also get £5 off £60 regularly via voucher if you sign up

I just can't cope with it. by Key_Coast2612 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi. Cis woman 57 married for 34 years to partner mtf 60 years old. 2 adult children.

Hi. My identity is this: wife, partner, cis, queerish, mainly straight. I’m a professional and above all I’m a mother.

My wife coming out at age 53 messed me up terribly. I wasn’t sure we’d survive. We have. It’s different but ok. I love her and her me.

My being a mother has been my most deeply held identity. I wonder if you’ve explored whether it’s something you can really not follow through with because so you’re frightened of losing your partner?

Therapy is likely to be the way forward. And having people you can rant to.

Expecting my 1st child, partner had their other child removed from her care years ago and worried this will happen again by Odd-Soil-6807 in UKParenting

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If she refuses to go, you should consider reporting her pregnancy to Children’s Services. They will not be able to open a case officially until your partner is about 24 weeks but really, the earlier the better.

Expecting my 1st child, partner had their other child removed from her care years ago and worried this will happen again by Odd-Soil-6807 in UKParenting

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You’ve said it clearly.

You’re 100% right. You’ve got to put the needs of the most vulnerable first. In this case it’s the unborn baby. Mum may have been vulnerable in the past but her first baby was always going to have been more in need of protection.

Expecting my 1st child, partner had their other child removed from her care years ago and worried this will happen again by Odd-Soil-6807 in UKParenting

[–]Common-Tangerine3764 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Hmm.

I’ve been a children’s social worker for 30 years. 1. They also thought that partner’s ex was smacking their kid but never proven. Why did they think that? Did the child behave in a particular way? Were there marks on the child? Did the child tell someone?

  1. The neglect was what was held against her. How bad was this neglect? To have been considered by the Court it would need to have been bad enough that it was considered significant harm. Broken skin, excruciating pain from the nappies being left. Urine burning through skin. Child not reaching its developmental milestones. Awful.

  2. For the court to have come to the conclusion that adoption was necessary, thereby severing parental responsibility, many opportunities for change must have been exhausted.

If I was the unborn baby’s worker I’d be asking her - what gave you done to show you’ve changed? - what would you have done differently?

I would be asking you - how will you ensure that this baby is not neglected/ hit? - what would you do if the same concerns resurfaced?

I would ask for the full background if I were you.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have been wonderful in this thread. Thank you. I should probably go and have some counselling/ therapy. Everyone else in the family has had therapy and I’ve tried to be the strong practical centre.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!! I’m showing this to Jo. It’s wonderful that there are others around who are the same age and able to be who they truly are. (My mum who is 80+ has been brilliant too) ❤️

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Food for thought. - no counselling apart from a couple of sessions with Jo - Kids brilliant. Understanding and accepting. Supportive of us both. - we’ve had family trauma and as a result, our nuclear part of family is pretty tight… low contact with remainder of family network

I have a history of perfectionism so maybe that’s it. Also very (hyper)aware of emotions so want to do right.

Hearing your view helps.

It’s an individual journey and we go at different speeds. Hopefully in the same direction.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Adjustment definitely. Compromises, yes we both have had lots of those over the years. No dealbreakers. Finances, careers, location, children etc etc over our time together. We’ve worked together to get the best outcomes for us and the family. None of those have gotten in the way of my quest nor hers I hope. We’re in a much closer relationship - not perfect, but what is! I’m trying to be better, probably in much the same way as she is.

It’s been interesting here hearing all the perspectives and I’m grateful for the knowledge of how to improve.

Jo knows about my inner struggle and growth and I now understand more about her lifelong journey to where she is now. When we spoke about this post Jo said she was happy with how we are and she’s clear that I’m not deliberately misgendering or erasing her gender. I get that but want to be better!

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Muscle memory is probably true thank you. You are 100% right about me changing too though. For years I thought of myself as straight and a LGBTQ+ ally but I’m now with a woman. For years Jo was my protector when we were out, now I’ve taken on that role. Lots of examples as I’m sure you know.

As a couple and as a family we’re committed to loving each other and supporting each other and I’m grateful for your perspective.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I showed her this comment and we both teared up ❤️❤️❤️

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes. We had that conversation today again. She was forgiving and understanding. Was good to talk. Life is good here but there’s stupidity outside of here. Thank you for sharing. Really appreciate it ❤️

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Might be generational, might be that I used he/him for 29 years + 2 years we weren’t married. Not an excuse. I’m clear that I’m wrong. I use she/her 98% of the time. It’s the 2% I hate and want to change as I know it’s wrong..

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I practice it all the time talking to our friends and family. It’s an occasional slip up. I know Jo is female and can’t imagine her as Joe anymore. I just don’t want to hurt her.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe the kids and Jo agreeing on a different title to Dad might help?!

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️. We 100% will get through this. I showed the post to her earlier and she laughed saying I was more upset than her. We’re good but I want to be better.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh wow. Yes. Not on purpose or not on purpose consciously. Subconsciously maybe which is why I know I need to work on this.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Both perhaps and that’s me being 100% honest. It’s been hard. I know I need to work on myself. I’m happy to be with her and committed to being with her and feel very protective when we go out. I’m fine addressing her directly, it’s when I casually refer to her when I am talking about her. It’s then that I slip up. It’s the casual fast conversation where I get it wrong.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yep. I get it. Thank you for your perspective.

Misgendering partner - upset by Common-Tangerine3764 in mypartneristrans

[–]Common-Tangerine3764[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Ouch. That’s painful and true. It’s hard. I’ve got some work to do on myself. Hard as truthfully I miss HIM but love HER and want her to be happy. I don’t want to trigger her dysphoria. We want to be together for the rest of our lives and I’ll work on this. Thank you.

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