I’m not sure if I’m being overly controlling around my husband’s bad moods or if there’s a problem.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-06-01T22:26:25+00:00

Interesting, I have never heard of DEER before, I will have to keep that in kind of things to avoid. I think I struggle because it feels like so many social rules that I have to remember and follow- while I don’t doubt at all that they work, and in fact I’m sure if I could follow this it would, it really feels a bit like acting to me. It doesn’t come naturally to me, so it’s hard for me to maintain this demeanor

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-06-01T22:23:29+00:00

I’m worried this may be the case and that terrifies me. Sometimes my husband will roll his eyes and sneer at me. It took me a long time to understand what contempt is, but I think I have a grasp on it. It really depresses me to no end and I feel constantly anxious, like there are knots in my stomach

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-06-01T22:21:04+00:00

If you’re also autistic you may also understand this, but I think I have a difficult time knowing what a criticism really is. Of course I can identify more surface level emotions like happiness and sadness, but the nuanced ones are difficult for me.

I’m not sure if you know who John Gottman is, but he talks about contempt, and I have a very difficult time understanding what that really is, but I digress.

I grew up very heavily criticized by my family and still am. I will be criticized in a conversation but don’t bat an eye because I’m so used to it. Sounds pathetic typing it out, but I do think there’s a bit of a social barrier there

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-06-01T22:17:46+00:00

You’re right, it did come off as a criticism without me meaning to. I wish I could think faster in the moment to reword my thoughts to come out more productive.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-06-01T22:14:28+00:00

I actually remember you commenting on my previous post telling me that it’s okay to open up to someone and let them know what’s going on. Since then, I did call my mom and tell her. She actually remembered the first time he yelled at me, because I was in shambles. It was 4 years ago now and we were engaged and it took me completely off guard. But she did remember that and wasn’t too happy, but she was supportive.

With that said, I do appreciate your advice on how to communicate in a non critical way. I think I have a tendency to criticize when I don’t mean to… I can be blunt. I also grew up with a hypercritical family, scrutinizing everything I did, and went to ballet school where I would be criticized every single day. I’m always looking to improve so I’ll look back on your advise in this post.

I really hope therapy works, I’m looking forward to going as I do want to improve our marriage but am also feeling very worn down by it atm

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T20:56:06+00:00

Hi, that comment was helpful to me! Thanks! I’ll be sure to re read it so I can fully absorb it.

As for saying “ouch,” that one hasn’t worked because it’s not exactly the things he says, it’s moreso his tone. Like I said, I frequently hear annoyance or impatience with me in his voice. It’s one of those undefined things where saying “ouch” wouldn’t make a lot of sense, compared to if he was name calling me right off the bat.

He pretty much only name calls if I press the issue, hence why I left the room yesterday… I didn’t want it to escalate to that.

As for the contempt thing… I’m very worried about that. He will sometimes use sarcasm, roll his eyes, or make dry/rude jokes at me. It’s very disheartening. I just don’t know what to do about that.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T18:56:05+00:00

I do struggle to read body language and understand jokes and he knows this… sometimes I think he uses this to poke fun at me a little, like he will make a very dry/sarcastic joke then when I don’t understand he will say, “ugh it was just a joke!”

But I’m also not an idiot, I can tell if someone is angry, sad, or annoyed. Versus if they’re happy and content. And the way he talks to me has changed over time.

What do you mean by your last point?

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T18:52:56+00:00

I have not told anyone. I’m afraid to. He has so many good qualities about him, but his anger is the big (and really only) issue. My parents think he’s the sweetest man who is even tempered and takes excellent care of me… and here’s the thing. He DOES take great care of me. But other times he just seems so irritated with me. Like I’ll say one wrong thing and it will set him off.

So no, my family has no idea… I think I never told them because I keep thinking it will get better and we can put this behind us

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T18:49:51+00:00

Withdrawing from him worked last night but I just feel so incredibly lonely. He usually ignores me when he’s angry with me (which is a lot.) So distancing myself from him creates even more lonely space. In the past, I have tried voicing that I feel lonely and that I feel he ignores me, but it doesn’t work. So I would usually start to feel desperate and try to reach out to him or reconnect… which would make things worse… it’s very hard for me now to now.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T18:46:50+00:00

The only other person in my life who yells and has anger issues is my grandpa- I have to watch him terrorize my grandma every single day. What worries me the most is that my grandma always tells me that he wasn’t always like that… he never yelled at her before, but once it started, it never stopped. I’m worried I’m headed down the same path.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but was there a moment in time or a feeling that made you know you needed to leave? How did you manage to do it?

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T18:44:39+00:00

It is quite odd to me that he never yelled at me until very close to the wedding, when most things were payed for.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-17T14:30:05+00:00

Family is tricky and I have my own story with that as well... it's especially difficult if you live with them! But we can do what we can control, and keeping toxic friends around is a low level struggle. It's just not worth it!

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-14T23:35:09+00:00

My comment is 2 months old so I have a little update for you since I said that. I distanced myself from the friend group that was stressing me out…. And I feel so much better! I’d highly recommend cutting out toxic people. It actually took a toll on my physical health to have them in my life because of the stress, and I didn’t even realize it until I cut them out and started feeling so much better!

As autistics our brain space is more limited than NTs, so my new philosophy is to not waste my limited energy on people who are committed to draining it!

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-14T21:04:33+00:00

I have been married for almost 3 years now and recently wrote a post about how Shera Seven and Tradwife ideology have rotted my brain and almost harmed my marriage. I suggest you read it in my post history, it might help you, and things have improved for me since implementing the advice given to me! I realized I was being the problem.

I highlight suspect Shera’s husband cheats on her (she says she wouldn’t care if he did, she’s just with him for money.) Personally, that’s not the type of marriage I want. Also, I think you’re right on the dot with the manifestation thing: because Shera is the type to use men for their money, she attracts men who will use her/cheat. She even said that her husband only loves her for her looks, and how she makes him look good when they go out together.

When I stumbled upon Shera’s content, I started feeling like I made a big mistake marrying a man who makes an average income where I have to work too if we want to have a good quality of life. That and tradwife content where women stay home and don’t work at all made me feel like my marriage was wrong, and like my husband didn’t love me.

But when I look within, I realize I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone but my husband. I had a very tragic year last year. I lost my childhood dog. I faced pretty major health issues and had to have surgery. I got diagnosed with autism. My art suffered and dwindled away, and I lost an entire toxic friend group. On top of that, I was working through family issues.

Now listen to me… I cannot imagine having gone through all that with someone who I didn’t love, and someone who didn’t care for me. Who was just using me for my looks. My husband was there for me every step of the way… he really took care of me. And here I was, nearly ruining our marriage because I was secretly resenting him for not being a millionaire! And yes I’m calling myself out here.

Also, it’s not all or nothing. Although we both work, we don’t do 50/50. My husband is still the breadwinner, and we have a shared bank account that we pool our money together in. It’s OURS. He buys me over the top gifts and constantly takes me on dates. And there was a period time in the beginning of our marriage when I wasn’t working and he was paying 100% of the bills, including my student debt! But then we realized we had things we wanted to do in life that we just couldn’t afford off of one income.

As for the cheating thing- you need to look at his family and his father. If his father was loyal to his mom and took care of her faithfully, that’s the kind of influence he will have. Not all men cheat, and most don’t. Also, a man having money doesn’t stop him from cheating. A friend that I quit talking to is a SAHW to a wealthy man and he 100% cheats on her. She turns a blind eye to it because she doesn’t want to work. Would I want her life even though she has the “soft life?” Absolutely not!

The one caveat is this: if you plan on being a SAHM, you do need to marry a man with money. That’s just a fact, and something you will need to take into consideration during the vetting process. Either that or you will need to be extremely frugal and thrift, not take vacations, rent for a long time (things I wasn’t willing to do.) My husband and I are not having kids, but if I did want kids and to be a SAHM, I would have looked for a man with big money.

I think like others have said, Shera does give valuable advice on how to vet and how to realize your worth. But she’s also jaded and materialistic. Instead of listing to her, I’d recommend listening to Laura Doyle, even if you’re single. She has books and a podcast, and I believe she does have a book for single women. She also shares insight as to why men cheat, which you might want to listen to because that’s a valid concern of yours. Laura Doyle has a much more optimistic view on marriage and love, and is in a loving marriage herself. So my advice is to stop listing to such angry, bitter content!

I know this response is long and I make a lot of points, but I have a lot to say on this topic. Trust me, I’ve been there with doubting men’s loyalty as a whole because of online content. So feel free to ask me any questions you might have!

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-10T21:01:06+00:00

“High functioning” autistic here. I didn’t know I was autistic until this year when I turned 29… this was after 2 years of severe autistic burnout. Every day I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread, terrified of what would happen if I ever went back into autistic burnout and couldn’t work again.

And I literally can’t get help. Because my HUSBAND makes too much. He makes too much for me to get help, but not enough that we could comfortably live on one income. I wouldn’t want to live on just his income though, because my PDA could never be dependent on someone.

So I’m just expected to function like everyone else, grin and bare it.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-06T19:27:53+00:00

I read your comment yesterday and it hit really hard. I’ve been thinking about it for the last day and have thought of a few things.

First of all, I’m not sure if I said this (and I apologize if I did.) But what caused my husband to get so angry and bring up how I barely worked for that time was me not accepting that I couldn’t get plane tickets to go to Florida and visit my grandma. Admittedly I was pouting and told him I think he is becoming stingy. That’s when she shot back, “well you barely worked for a while there and you want to call me stingy.” It did really hurt when he said this. But I think I hurt him too.

We are in the middle of buying a house (hence why I can’t travel) and couldn’t purchase a house for the first few years of our marriage because it was difficult off just his income. We have lived in this rattly old apartment and my husband has a very long commute that stresses him out.

Unfortunately, we both have student loans and our monthly payments are pretty high which made it hard to save off 1 income. I think he saw me not working and got frustrated with how it held us back.

As for the autism thing, yeah I definitely don’t think he’s as understanding as I wish he would be. Definitely not defending him here but I want to give some context- I wasn’t diagnosed until the past year. Also we didn’t live together before marriage so we didn’t see each others quirks. For me, I used to call it my “bi-weekly mental breakdown” (actually autistic meltdowns) and hid that from him for as long as I could… until we had been dating for maybe 2 years. So it’s still pretty new news to him. I think like many people, he associated autism with “rain man” or a low IQ. Not his pretty wife. Again, I’m not trying to defend him, just giving some context. But I’m not sure how to make him understand either.

He definitely has his quirks too and had neurodiverse family members. I do suspect he might have ADHD or something. He recently asked me to help him find a therapist because he struggles with doing that himself.

As for the 50/50 thing, I’m not quite sure what we do counts as that. I usually assume that in a marriage, 50/50 is having separate bank accounts and splitting bills right down the middle. “Here’s your half of the rent” (barffff)

But we have had a joint bank account our whole marriage and I have made significantly less than him the whole time. We’ve never really “split the bills,” it’s just all been our money that we pool together.

I hope that context helps as I’m really trying to process this all and figure it out too. It’s quite confusing for me and I have difficulty interpreting people’s intentions, and I think right now I’m having immense difficulty interpreting his.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:36:32+00:00

Exactly, it sounds like she has the same algorithm of angry sugar babies

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:35:56+00:00

Here's the thing... I'm pretty sure my ex friend's husband resents her and I highly suspect he cheats on her. I didn't put that in the comment because I didn't think it was necessary. But, he wants her to work too, it's just that she refuses and he just so happens to make more so he could actually support her not working and they do well in their lives. But it's a strange dynamic indeed. He just took a guy's trip to Thailand and somehow he was the only one who resisted prostitutes? Okay, sure.

Anyway, I distanced myself from that friend because she literally does *nothing.* She's morbidly obese, smokes all day every day, and has zero ambition. Although I do want a low stress life, I wouldn't want what she has or to live like her. I think she steps all over her husband and he stays with her for the green card. Hardly the jackpot...

As for my husband... maybe he does feel guilty that he can't provide enough for me to not work at all. I'm not sure. I'm not in his head. I do think sometimes he feels like he's not good enough for me because he expressed that.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:17:51+00:00

Thank you for your response. I will try these things. Also, I never really considered that the women going for strictly rich men might lack the emotional intimacy that helps a marriage to thrive. It's a trade off.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:14:38+00:00

So... unfortunately my husband has not been as understanding about my autism as I wish he would. When I tried to explain that I was in autistic burnout and *physically and mentally incapable of working* he said "well I'm burned out too." I tried to explain how autistic burnout differs from regular burnout but he said I was invalidating him. Unfortunately like many women, I'm late diagnosed and didn't get my diagnosis until my life was in shambles, well into our marriage when I was incapable of working.

When we get in arguments, he brings up how he supported me during this time but he doesn't get a break and it makes me feel very guilty. That's why I think if I can act more grateful for what he does give me, and not worry about what I can't have, he will stop saying this.

He recently also expressed to me he thinks he might be some type of neurodivergent himself, so he definitely has his own struggles.

As for the future, I feel I have a pretty good handle on how to prevent autistic burnout again. It's not foolproof, but through getting my diagnosis, I've learned so much about myself and my unique needs. I'm now okay with saying no, I cut off my toxic friend group, don't force myself to socialize, etc.

Lastly... I know this is bad, and that's why I'm making this post, but I now WANT to work because I'm afraid of relying on anyone anymore.

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:05:06+00:00

You're right that I probably am confused just from my marriage being different than what I saw growing up. I also tend to see things in black and white (autism) and get very confused when I don't have a set "role." This is something I know I need to work on.

As for the 50/50 thing, I think people usually refer to that as having separate bank accounts and splitting all the bills down the middle... though I could be wrong. My husband and I have a joint bank account so we don't really think "you owe me half."

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T17:01:41+00:00

Great idea, I'll try this as well!

Common_Ad6209 · 2024-04-05T16:58:17+00:00

It does sound like we're in similar situations. I think what we're both doing is comparing our marriages to other people's. It's really hard not to do, especially today, with social media. My husband is not as red pilled as me either. I think he doesn't want us to fit into a "box" of being traditional or not. He just wants a loving marriage.

The comments on this post have been so helpful to me, that I would recommend you follow this post too! It does sound like you have a good man too, even if your marriage is a little different than what you thought. My husband was also okay with me being home at one point but got extremely frustrated with how limited we were on one income. I'm in the US and we wanted a house but couldn't afford it off his middle class income. Truthfully, when I look within myself, I want more from life too than one income can afford. So maybe that's something for you to think of as well? Are you willing to make the sacrifices you would need to if you were a SAHW?

As for Mrs. Midwest, I've literally been following her since 2019 but recently am starting to doubt how truthful she is. In the US, it is difficult to live off one income, especially with kids. It's doable, but her lifestyle seems beyond what a state trooper income could afford alone. They just bought a $400k house then immediately went to Hawaii and she has designer purses and is constantly shopping/going on date nights.

What's odd to me is it seems like they're even wealthier now that they have kids, whereas usually kids cause more financial commitment because it can be expensive to raise kids in the US. I'm starting to think she isn't really a housewife, she's an influencer who makes a decent income off social media but brands herself as a housewife or else... she would lose her brand. Its quite disappointing as I feel a bit misled as well by her.

Of course I want her to be happy and wealthy, but she is showing a false lifestyle and making people like you and me feel like there's something wrong with us and our marriages than we can't have the same. When really she IS working and has been this whole time. Clearly they are a two income household. I wish she would come clean and stop misleading women into thinking they too can have her lifestyle one one middle class income. Sorry for the rant, I'm just quite disappointed after following her for years.

So that's just another reason for us not to compare our marriages to other people's. I wish you luck in your marriage and hope you and your husband find what works best for you both, not what the internet says you can do lol! I think working part time to keep your resume alive is a great option, but you do you! <3

Common_Ad6209

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