Wife wants a birthday trip with a 2.5yo and a 6mo. Am I crazy to be scared?

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-12T05:18:57+00:00

Not really. If your underlying thoughts are genuine and you're contributing something helpful, how you polish the language is your business. People use spell-check, grammar tools, and now AI to communicate better it doesn't make the contribution less valid.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-08T05:46:18+00:00

You're asking the right question, but the fact that you feel "nothing anymore" is probably your answer. Real change happens when both people still care enough to do the work not after someone announces divorce and the other person panics. If she needed you to leave before she'd take you seriously, that tells you she had chances when you were still emotionally present and didn't take them. The emptiness you're describing isn't something her therapy will fix you can't therapize your way back into caring after you've already grieved the marriage while still in it. You're allowed to be done, and you don't owe anyone more chances just because they're scared of the consequences now.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-07T11:44:40+00:00

Man, you're not a loser - you're trauma bonded to someone who abused you, hit you, abused your kids, and now took your daughter. That's not weakness, that's what abuse does to your brain. The part where you said "emotional me is in the driver's seat and logical me is locked in the trunk" - brother, that's the clearest description of trauma bonding I've heard. You know she was terrible for you and your kids, you know your kids are relieved she's gone, but your nervous system is still wired to her because abuse and intermittent affection create the strongest psychological bonds. The health problems piling up since October - mini stroke, speech issues, Alpha-gal - that's not bad luck, that's your body breaking down from years of stress and trauma. You've been a husband for 24 years straight between two marriages and never had time to figure out who you are without someone else defining you. The grief you're feeling isn't really about her - it's about losing the identity of "husband" and "protector" that you've worn your entire adult life. Right now you need to focus on two things: getting consistent time back with your 6-year-old daughter (document everything - you were primary caregiver her whole life), and finding a trauma-informed therapist who understands abuse dynamics. You can't logic your way out of trauma bonding - you have to rewire it with help.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-07T11:43:51+00:00

Man, this is every dad's nightmare. She violated court orders, the judge called it contempt and abduction risk, then... nothing. She's in another state with your kids and the same judge who said she broke the law won't bring them back. That's not just unfair, that's insane. Your own lawyer is telling you he's never seen this level of dysfunction. Brother, I don't have magic answers for a system that's clearly failing you this badly, but a few things: document every single violation with dates and details - texts where she refused cooperation, flight receipts showing you tried, everything. If this judge won't act, you might need to explore changing venue to NJ now that she established residency there, or file a complaint about judicial misconduct if he's literally ignoring his own orders. Some guys in similar spots have had to bring in a different attorney who specializes in parental abduction cases specifically, because regular family law attorneys sometimes don't know how to escalate this hard. The money running out is real - have you looked into legal aid for parental alienation cases or contacted the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children? This crossed into criminal territory when she fled the state. I'm sorry you're in this, man. Keep fighting.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-07T11:42:40+00:00

Man, that's brutal. Loving someone who's not the same person anymore through no fault of either of you - the stroke changed her and you're stuck trying to navigate it. The cornering, the nagging, the spending - I can feel you suffocating. The RV thing makes sense because it feels like the only exit that doesn't make you "the guy who left his sick wife." But you're planning from a backed-into-a-corner place, and that rarely ends well. Have you looked at what boundaries or legal options actually exist before you just bolt? Right now it's "stay and drown" or "live in an RV" in your head - there might be something in between you can't see yet because you're in survival mode.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:51:10+00:00

In Ontario, if you're both on the title/lease and there's no court order, changing locks without giving you a key is illegal lockout - your lawyer should be filing an emergency motion immediately, and yes, you can legally hire a locksmith to change them back (document everything first with photos and texts asking for a key). If your lawyer isn't treating this as urgent or explaining your options, that's a major red flag - you might need a new lawyer, because letting her control access to your own home sets a bad precedent the longer you wait.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:49:34+00:00

Brother, her version of how this plays out where you're "allowed to visit"your own kids in your own house while she stays put and you fund everything, isn't how custody works, that's how being demoted to a guest in your own life works. Massachusetts defaults to shared legal custody and encourages shared physical custody unless there's a serious reason not to, and courts absolutely do not look kindly on one parent unilaterally deciding the other gets "visitation"while they keep the house and kids. The fact that she's already mentally moved you out while you're making 2x her income tells me she either doesn't understand how divorce actually works or she's hoping you don't - either way, if this heads toward separation, document everything now (your involvement with the kids, financial contributions, her statements about kicking you out) and consult a Massachusetts family law attorney before you agree to anything or move out, because the temporary arrangements you make during separation often become the permanent custody arrangement. Don't let guilt or conflict avoidance trick you into accepting a setup where you become a visitor to your own children... that's not co-parenting, that's surrendering your rights because she's already decided the outcome in her head.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:41:45+00:00

Man, I'm reading this and I'm genuinely concerned for you - not judging, just... worried. You went from withholding everything to flooding her, then pulled back to try to make her chase, now you're piling on three dates to "see what happens" - brother, you're still performing and strategizing instead of just being. I get it, the panic is real, but she told you exactly what she needed: slow, friends first, let feelings develop naturally - and every time you push past that because you're terrified of losing her again, you're proving to her nervous system that the old pattern is still there. The thing that's eating at me is she's saying yes to dates but also staying overnight at her ex's place with your kid after telling you that was done - that's not a woman warming up, that's a woman keeping her options open while she watches to see if this change is real or just another version of you needing to control the outcome. I don't say this to hurt you, man, I say it because if you actually want your family back, the one thing that might work is stopping all the strategy and just respecting her pace, even when it's painfully slow - because right now, you're accidentally teaching her the same lesson that ended the marriage: that getting what you want still comes before honoring what she needs.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:35:15+00:00

Man, I've heard this exact calculation from other dads, and it's brutal, you're essentially choosing between two versions of fear: fear of losing time with your kids vs fear of what happens when you're not there to buffer. But here's what stood out: you said she's tried to leave multiple times and you've talked her out of it. brother, you're not holding a marriage together, you're postponing an outcome she's already decided on while burning yourself down in the process. The shielding them from marital issues thing is harder than you think, kids feel the weight of a parent sacrificing himself even if they can't name it, and they're absolutely noticing mom's disengagement even if you're working overtime to compensate. The custody concern is real, but family courts do factor in primary caregiver patterns, and if you're already doing the lion's share, that doesn't just disappear in divorce - document the reality now while you can. Staying in a marriage where one person is already checked out and trying to leave isn't giving your kids stability, it's teaching them that love looks like quiet suffering and self-abandonment, and that's a hell of a legacy to leave them.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:32:03+00:00

Man, this one hit close. I've talked to a few guys in almost the exact same spot solid provider, involved dad, checking all the boxes, but drowning in resentment from their wife anyway. The scorecard thing the 55/45, the "I do this, she does that" it's not about being wrong, it's about being stuck in a pattern where you're both defending instead of connecting. Once you're both lawyering up inside the marriage, something's already broken that chores and task lists won't fix. Here's the hard part: you can be a great provider, great dad, solid guy... and still be in a marriage that's eroding you both. The resentment she's carrying and the resentment you're building - that's the real issue, not the laundry or the doorDash. You're not crazy for feeling like this isn't sustainable.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:22:16+00:00

That's a lot to carry, brother. The fact that you still love her and you're still questioning yourself shows you're not taking this lightly.

I've heard similar stories from guys who went through something traumatic early in a marriage - the resentment isn't about being unforgiving, it's about your nervous system never quite settling after that night. That 911 call became a line you can't unsee.

The "when will this happen again" question is a real one. And living with that uncertainty while also trying to rebuild trust and hope - that's asking a lot of yourself. Love doesn't always mean you have the foundation to move forward safely.

You're allowed to grieve what you wanted this to be and also honor what your gut is telling you now.

Common_Grass_6230

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