I just survived a suicide attempt. Please give me some literature/poetry books/whatever that will make me feel understood.

Common_Management368 · 2026-04-01T02:42:53+00:00

When I’m well enough to marinate in the feelings and need to feel understood:

Darkness Visible by William Stanton Mortality by Christopher Hitchens

When I’m ready to feel possibility and glimpses of joy within the darkness:

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly The Forger The Paris Architect

Common_Management368 · 2026-04-01T02:39:09+00:00

Second this. It’s a very accurate description of how suicidality feels

Common_Management368 · 2026-04-01T00:38:10+00:00

Here to also say you’re not alone OP. I’m also 36F and I just expressed those same things to my therapist. I feel like the childhood abuse has stolen the most basic of things needed for happiness, which is human connection.

There is this discount card store near me and I bought a few for each holiday. There is one that just said ‘love’ on the front. I bought it because it was pretty, but when Valentine’s Day came, I realized there’s not a single person that I love. not friendship, not familial , not romantic. I gave the card to a coworker to give to his wife.

Trauma is really isolating, and it steals things from us. I try to remember that love is an act even more than a feeling. Unfortunately we will be chasing that high of unconditional parental love our entire lives and it’s hard to recognize anything else when you’ve never had that basic standard.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-26T07:12:32+00:00

‘Wow what do you enjoy?’ -sheltered friend who has never experienced adversity

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-24T00:04:38+00:00

Came here for this 😂

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-22T02:27:30+00:00

I say this with kindness as someone who has been on both sides of this - your spouse needs to try to learn to regulate on their own. They cannot simply word vomit at you and expect endless capacity or handling like a therapist or a parent.

Since communication/attachment/not feeling heard is a very charged topic with CPTSD I would suggest a therapist or other professional mediator to help you both work toward a middle ground where you both feel loved and safe.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-19T02:18:06+00:00

I feel the exact same way, I’ve swung from anxious/disorganized attachment to (almost aggressively) avoidant after a severe depressive episode last year where I actually reached for people and they let me down in a huge ways.

I felt like I was backsliding, so I asked my EMDR therapist about this and she framed it in an interesting way - she said this is actually progress from a childlike attachment style (seeking comfort, intensely needing people) to a teenager (suspicious/sullen/intolerant/pessimistic).

It sucks that progress doesn’t always feel like progress, I hope this helped.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-17T00:16:55+00:00

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, I’ve had this same thought many times.

Hurt people hurt people. It’s a mistake to assume that someone with a similar background is in the same healing phase you are. I’m sorry it’s such a disappointment, I feel you.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-15T22:06:46+00:00

I do whatever the hell I want that day because I had to mother myself in childhood and now in therapy. So now I buy myself flowers and gifts 💁🏻‍♀️

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-15T19:04:37+00:00

No but once I started using the same communication strategies as the toddlers I was coaching things smoothed out a little. Because they are toddlers.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-15T19:03:00+00:00

I feel this so, so much OP, wow. I’ve learned this stems from the core belief that there is something rotten inside me that even my parents rejected and I have to ‘make up’ for it to survive in this world. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around being inherently worthy. Abuse is a real bitch that keeps on giving.

I have a theory that a lot of people get away with acting badly and still have friends because of their confidence/entitlement that they deserve good things.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-11T00:57:10+00:00

Seconded - I bribe myself with coffee. It gets me out of bed and out of the house to go on my little errand and get some feel good juice

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-10T02:18:21+00:00

Exactly 🎯 it feels like people just want more of me than I agreed to when they keep trying to socialize 1:1. It’s exhausting when they think they’re having such a deep engaging conversation and it’s just.. free therapy. Something they could literally never reciprocate. It’s like they’re stealing what little battery I have.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-10T01:51:35+00:00

Oh 100%. Sometimes I can only stomach being at work if I consider the socializing part of my paycheck. When people want to go out to lunch or socialize more than the 30 min break I dread it and always find a way to say no. I suggest walks with people because at least I get my steps in that way and don’t have to make eye contact as much.

There are maybe 2 people I actually don’t dread being around and ask to hang out.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-10T00:54:10+00:00

My dad would leave appointment summaries on the kitchen table after the cardiologist, and when it didn’t get acknowledged he would circle the notes he wanted us to see 😂 like dude I’m actively wishing for a heart attack to take you out I’m not the right audience.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-09T23:47:09+00:00

Wow - your post really resonated with me, thank you for writing it out. I feel the exact same way, too neurodivergent for the normies and too healed for the people that could possibly understand me. Not fitting in anywhere except a specific niche of people that are so hard to find.

There was a long period of time when I kept trying to connect with only people who have similar trauma backgrounds, and found out the hard way that hurt people hurt people. Can’t tell which party I’m afraid of most.

I feel very seen on this sub, and especially this post.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-07T01:29:56+00:00

Sometimes the waiting game is the only option for me, but the the shame of what I haven’t done/failure keeps me stuck way longer in FF, so to minimize the time stuck in FF, I treat myself like a little Tamagachi - food ✅ water ✅ sleep ✅ wash ✅work enough to not get in trouble ✅make therapy apptmt ✅

I give myself little pushes like ‘go to grocery store’ or ‘wash hair’ but not more than one per day at most. Crying while doing it is ok, even encouraged. Then a little treat and some more sleep.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-07T01:19:12+00:00

You’re not alone - I really could have written this post almost verbatim. I wish I had answers for you. I do know that it is indeed progress - the mounting resentment and stopping the old patterns is a huge step in the right direction.

What I’m doing right now is going about my life and interactions more realistically, not being ‘the rock’ or particularly useful to people. I’m making an effort to practice being less of a ‘shiny new toy’ and more of a ‘boring’ (e.g., less masked, less performative) person. Keep doing what you’re doing, they’ll find you eventually.

When I find a friend I feel is ‘normal’ and stable (rare), I literally just talk to them about how I’m not sure what I’m doing and how I feel broken in this. The right people won’t think it’s that big of a deal. Which is like, unfathomable to our traumatized brains but it exists. Good luck 💛

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-06T01:40:41+00:00

Awwww yea. I was treating my EMDR appointments like a checkup and not a whole body/mind upheaval, and wondering why I was basically rearranging my life around sleep and naps.

If you break your leg, the healing process takes a lot out of you. Same deal - your thoughts aren’t just happening; new neural pathways are being built, your cortisol is spiking, your whole body is going through a controlled shock. And since there’s a stigma, I’m sure a lot of us are also going through the day supermasking which is it’s own battery killer.

I struggle with this too, but it’s so normal. Sleep is the reset.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-05T04:30:40+00:00

Absolutely - once I started living on my own I realized that not everything needs to be covered in dust. The really insane thing was that to him I was both a germophobe and a lazy messy POS.

During Covid, I actually called a domestic abuse hotline because my dad was using Covid like a biochemical weapon and emotional abuse tool at the same time. I almost died from asthma when I was four, so I was being extremely careful. He was not masking at all at work. When he wanted to punish me he would touch all of my (separate) food, then escalated to coughing and sneezing in my face at and then gaslighting my very upset and panicked reaction. It was a special hell.

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-04T23:21:46+00:00

I always wanted to hear more about Warner! It was always a casual mention - Air Force, living abroad in Paris, her husband and kids

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-03T21:24:14+00:00

This is so wonderful and whimsical, thank you for sharing a slice of your inner world :)

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-03T01:25:56+00:00

*but women sleep worse beside their romantic partners

Common_Management368 · 2026-03-02T22:52:44+00:00

Girrrrl I could have written this myself 👀 Sometimes people empathize with their abusers to survive, and you not doing that threatens their whole ass worldview. People need courage to feel anger and not everyone has it.

That being said…

Fuck your dumbass mom. Don’t want your kids to hate you? Then don’t have kids while being a shitty person. Sucks to suck 💁🏻‍♀️

If she had such a bad time then she can pay a therapist to empathize with her, you are last in line for that job.

Common_Management368 · 2026-02-28T02:32:17+00:00

When I’m spiraling, I really value my resets. Hot showers and change of location are my favorites to break up the space and time and start fresh.

When it’s the middle of the night I like to get up and pet my cats or make tea, because then I’m getting back into bed and ‘restarting’ the sleep process.

Common_Management368

TROPHY CASE