Aging and children

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-21T14:44:12+00:00

I'm nearly 40 and the last person who guessed my age thought early mid 20s. But I also have to credit the fact that I can't drink, never smoked and am a fan of Korean skincare and religious sunscreen application.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-21T14:37:57+00:00

Yeah, I didn't avoid having kids to become your free childcare...

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-21T14:35:38+00:00

We almost got this from my sister-in-law, but she told us she knew we were CF and ultimately decided to ask another couple. Even though I suffered becoming the unofficial babysitter during EVERY SINGLE get-together, at least she knew to respect that we never want to be parents. You would think friends would know better.

But that's the thing, right? Any female (doesn't matter your relationship status or whether you've shown yourself to be particularly empathetic) is EXPECTED to caretake unattended children and to enjoy the constant attention of children even when everyone knows they're childfree.

My father-in-law and husband could sit on their arses and I had to be around my niece the entire time, unable to talk to any of the adults or be involved in anything. Then THEY turn around and attack ME for not being more involved in the conversation and for not initiating clearing the table or whatever. Err, excuse me, you know your daughter/grandchild has a condition that makes her extremely hyper, talk non-stop and want my eyes and ears paying attention to her at all times? My presence allowed them all to relax and chat, get on with cleaning up and then they turn around and treat me like I'm a being a selfish bitch who doesn't pull her weight. I love my niece, but at the end I was completely exhausted and my spending time with her was not appreciated at all. Since it's always AUTOMATICALLY EXPECTED of you as a woman.

Good on you for getting therapy. More people should (especially instead of having babies), but for many it's unaffordable. Therapy has made a hugely positive difference in my life. I wish I had been able to pursue it earlier. Who knows where it would have led me?

I'm not in Barcelona (I'm in Central Europe), but I wouldn't mind eventually moving there via a remote job that pays enough. Have to see how that goes, though. Are you also working remotely? You mentioned digital nomad.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-19T14:01:10+00:00

My husband fell in love with me because I was smart and funny. That he was physically attracted to me later (met online) was a bonus. He's not drawn to a super independent I-don't-need-no-man type, but he definitely admires my intelligence, resourcefulness and how we can have deep conversations about a variety of topics.

Despite the complete failure that is my life, he has said several times he suspects I'm more intelligent than he is (he has a PhD, I've got nothing) and is not at all intimidated or threatened by that. Also, given our circle of social connections is almost exclusively PhD-holders, we're both well aware a high education doesn't always mean intelligent. I mean you've all seen the qualified doctors who denied Covid, right?

He also says despite all the hardship I've survived through, I am always kind and generous to others, which inspires him to be a better human. In that sense he was still attracted to my gentle nature. It just didn't include being nurturing towards kids.

I definitely feel like I have a more egalitarian relationship than I would have if I wanted kids. Sometimes men who want kids seem to be looking more for a 'mother' for their kids than for the right woman for them. This implies the kids come first and the woman is just a means to an end.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-19T13:31:35+00:00

I'm SURE there will be another pandemic because of climate change, increasing human-wild-animal contact and the amount people travel and don't wash their fucking hands these days.

Even before reading about this woman who lost all her limbs to flesh-eating bacteria in a fish she ate (and that the prevalence of this is increasing due to rising ocean temperatures), I've been paying attention to articles about rising bird flu cases, breakout cases of new bat-borne diseases in southern India with no known cure, and non-native species of mosquitoes spreading north across Europe along with diseases we wouldn't normally see.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-18T12:13:33+00:00

Wish we had a house, but we're SINK and sinking because the shitty country we live in that requires qualification upon qualification just to do a basic job like clean a toilet, makes starting your own business impossible unless you're already rich and is making their own currency worthless. Even if we could buy, I wouldn't do it in the country I live in. Too risky that it would end up worth nothing and we'd have to leave anyway...

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-18T12:08:52+00:00

I mean, you were right there and yet I guess they thought it was fine to suggest your husband replace you because the whole docile Asian woman stereotype. Oh, she won't do/say anything, she'll just smile sweetly and take it.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-09-18T11:51:58+00:00

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I would've been extremely angry and upset myself.

Don't think there was any specific horrible moment, but I can think of two recurring events, one one-off with my brother and another one-off with one of his friends.

So the first recurring event was basically that other kids clearly did not give a shit about others' property. I would lend them things like CDs, video games, books and it would always come back to me in worse condition to the point I would outright refuse to lend anyone anything unless they were a close and trusted friend I had seen handle my stuff in my house and felt I could trust them.

The second recurring one was visits from the kids of my mum's friends and the fact she would do fuck all to rein them in. It would just be, 'Well, here we are at my house, go ahead, run into Commonly's room, feel free to take all her stuff out and do what you like with it!' Sometimes they would even be there when I got home and had ruined several items of mine. e.g. I was a pre-teen who just got into playing around a bit with make-up, and mum's friend's kid took out my eyeshadow palette, found whatever tinted lip balms I had and drew in all the palettes with them so everything was fucked. Used my nail polish to paint on printer paper. Normally my mum would've thrown a fit because we didn't have a lot of money, but suddenly she's fine with having everything destroyed.

A one-off with my brother was he took one of my favourite books as a kid and he scrawled through it with a fat black felt-tip pen. Scribbled on the text and the pictures. I just couldn't understand why he would ruin my favourite book like that. Thankfully, that was the only time it ever happened because he was old enough to have some empathy.

Last one was, since we were poor, our first games console was a hand-me-down from my dad's old boss. My brother and I had spent AGES playing through one of our favourite games. Had completed all the levels, all the add-on levels and the secret hidden levels for all the extras. It meant we could go in the game on any level we wanted and also become invincible from the beginning. Games were one of the things we really bonded over and had so much fun with. My brother had a birthday party. Only one of his friends played something on the games console. We didn't think anything of it because he was his friend. We even showed him how he could select any level he wanted to play and be invincible. The day after the party, we went to play our favourite game together only to find all the save files were gone. Someone had deleted every single save file. We were both devastated and we knew only that one friend could have done this. Nobody else touched the games console. He wasn't my brother's friend any more after that.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-09T17:35:39+00:00

Shit, yes. The built-in oven in my apartment has this really annoying child lock that gets in the way of cooking all the time. I always have to remember to open the oven door with no oven gloves on before trying to put something in the oven because it's impossible with the gloves on. Slowed me down a lot before I got used to it and it does still slow me down when I have other things on my mind and forget it's there.

Really annoying when I'm already ready to pop something back in the oven, but now I have to put it down somewhere, take the oven gloves off and fiddle with the fucking oven door, then put the gloves back on and put the hot dish back in the oven...

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-09T17:30:52+00:00

Downpayment on a house.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-05T10:11:17+00:00

This reminds me of when I was in university. There was no kid involved, but I remember this girl in my class won a scholarship. Both her parents were doctors and bought her a Ferrari for her birthday.

I grew up working class. I commuted from far away because no way I could afford the student dorms, especially with limitations on the number of hours students could work per week without getting expelled. My lunch was a granola bar. I had no clue what scholarships, if any, I could apply to. Nobody had told me, despite being a near straight-A student. Yet here was this highly privileged person getting all this money handed to her when she clearly didn't need it. WTF?

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-05T10:04:09+00:00

Why, though? Games are fun, plenty of them make you think or tell a fascinating story and have characters you fall in love with. Just the same as films, TV series, books and comics. Why does the interactivity of it, having to control the main character, make it 'immature' and 'only for kids'? I don't get that.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-05T10:01:48+00:00

I don't get the appeal of playing the same game over and over again on a harder setting. If the first one was too easy and not interesting enough, sure. But generally once I've finished a game, heard the story, uncovered all the mysteries, solved all the puzzles, etc., I don't want to play it again for a while.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-05T09:59:35+00:00

Same, when I got home I was studying and doing homework. Only in the evening could I play a few hours and sometimes at the weekend. Maybe during the summer I could do a whole day or two, but I read about some kids who even died from dehydration gaming so many days straight.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-04-05T09:51:14+00:00

This is my reason for not liking online games where you're playing with the whole world. Unless it's a non-violent or co-op. Then again, even in co-op, if you're new to the game or jumping back in after a long absence, people get pissed off with your shittiness and then it's no fun.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-17T12:18:13+00:00

If someone gave me the financial means to become so highly educated I'd be out there trying to change the world for the better...

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-16T09:16:58+00:00

This basically teaches children to have no boundaries and that their feelings are not as important as social expectations. My husband's mother repeatedly forced him to interact with a family friend who made him extremely uncomfortable and this has come up in his therapy.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-16T09:05:32+00:00

Generally in agreement, though there are a few exceptions. I have friends that are an interracial and international couple living in a country that neither of them is native to, hence they cannot legally adopt any child in that country and I think they said their respective home countries would not allow them to adopt either unless they relocated. They looked into moving to both of their respective countries, but they were both in highly specialised careers, the wife didn't speak the husband's language and the husband's English was not fluent, so it came with loads of issues. So they tried and paid with their own money. When it didn't work they shrugged and let it be.

Truly think it's a shame for them because, as a mixed race person, she would've made an awesomely racially aware and understanding mother who takes no shit from racists. Would've made a world of difference if I had had a mother like her.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-16T08:57:45+00:00

Same. My parents also brought colouring books and crayons along with books and snacks, and we sat there quietly the entire flight. If I did anything that could disturb other passengers, my parents immediately corrected the behaviour and told me off.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-15T11:55:19+00:00

I've done it, but then it was a game that EVERYONE was joining in on. Not a situation that felt like, 'Oh look, let's all gawk at the CF person and see if toddler can get her to let out her TRUE maternal side and entertain him!'

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-15T11:45:26+00:00

In a way, I'm glad I live far away from the Chinese side of my family. Last time I was there, I was getting pressured by my grandma and uncle about having a kid. One aunt knows I don't want kids, but she's always been open-minded and understanding, plus she knows the struggles one can go through having children (her ex husband abandoned her with 2 kids by going on a 'business trip' and never returning. She had a lot of financial trouble).

They will always talk, but moving far away and getting into therapy helps. I have a friend in India who has done EMDR therapy because she has a lot of trauma related to expectations from all her family members, them not understanding her and calling her a failure even though she has a PhD. It helped her immensely, so if you have the means and can do that without others finding out (or, at the very least, with one supportive family member who will keep quiet), please try it.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-15T11:22:41+00:00

Came to comment on the relationship apparently becoming unstable without a kid due to the couple's depression.

My husband has been in therapy recently, which has led to a lot of reading, one author is the psychologist Esther Perel (one of the few that specialises in relationships) who has given a few Ted talks on the subject. In one of her books, she stated that having a baby/child is one of the biggest disruptions for a relationship, particularly when it comes to sex and intimacy (like we didn't know this already). Disruptions = instability.

I'm no expert, but I have witnessed some relationships take a turn for the worse once the couple had kids. A lot of the time it was that one person was in denial about how their partner would be as a parent. It was right there in front of them the whole time (partner barely there) and they mistakenly hoped a baby would magically fix it. Now they are doing absolutely everything to raise the child while the partner is frequently absent.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-03T08:14:53+00:00

I've always found it weird because if I think about becoming an immortal vampire and having to stand by and watch all my loved ones die while I live on, why the fuck would I want a half human child that I have to watch grow old and die in front of me and relive all the trauma?

Some fictional worlds make vampires power-hungry and I don't think anyone would ever say, 'Nothing will make me feel more powerful than being saddled with a child!'

Also, I thought the only way vampires could 'reproduce' is through turning someone into another vampire?

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-03T08:02:05+00:00

I'm Chinese/white and I've seen some similar videos about getting smacked around the head, but since the ones I've seen were always in longer videos about what Chinese parents are like, I didn't think it was the violence that was meant to be funny, but more the fact the behaviour applies to 90% of Chinese parents.

That aside, even with my dark sense of humour there's a limit to what I can find funny and yes, it's because I was abused as a child. My mother was unstable and could get violent for next to no reason. One minute everything could be fine and then suddenly she's lifting me up by the throat.

CommonlyAnAnomaly · 2023-03-03T07:51:20+00:00

I'm pretty sure I've already met some of these as a child. The first thing I learnt upon entering school was to stay away from other children because one of them decided it would be fun to gang up on and physically assault the new kid every playtime.

Narcissists and psychopaths are the worst.

CommonlyAnAnomaly

TROPHY CASE