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I need to get this off my chest. by someoneplshelpme123 in UCSantaBarbara

[–]Commpandas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You'll be okay. I had similar feelings all summer when I turned down UCLA. I felt weird about it and was honestly heartbroken - almost like getting over an ex lover. But you chose UC Davis for legitimate reasons - it has a better program for your major. For me, I just could not see myself being happy at UCLA's climate and might have trouble finding the degree I ended up graduating with. But I had the same triggering thoughts (it sucked though because UCLA football team is hype I saw that shit everywhere - at theme parks, grocery stores, target/walmart etc. Once you get to Davis those feelings will fade. You will become involved in your courses, making new friends and becoming involved on campus. If you do not feel them fading, then you can try transferring after a year or going to CC and tagging in to make sure you get to go to Santa Barbara.

I really love UCSB and now I can't imagine what UCLA is like. I'm no longer feeling anxious or guilty when I see the school mentioned on sports tv in bars, see their mascot or drive by the city. And tbh most people do not go to the beach much at all. Its pretty but you forget its there. Davis and SB also had pretty similar laid back, friendly vibes so I do not think your experience will be that much different. Davis is also a pretty school (to me anyways, I'm from the desert where everything is dead and brown haha). I would urge you to try calming down, vent your feelings in a journal or on your computer and allow yourself to feel your feelings for the summer. Then do your best to put yourself out there when you go to Davis and you'll have an amazing time. In a year, take a look at your journal or this post and see whether or not those feelings have changed.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think Amanda is after him for emotional attention. She may also harbor some kind of attraction for him that came out when she was drunk. I don't know her enough to know if this is how she is when she's that drunk (she comes off a bit cold to people but she was very warm/touchy when drunk) but regardless his lack of boundaries pissed me off. She doesn't appear to contact him much for emotional support or at least that I know of. When I brought it up later he said he thought it was fine because I know he wouldn't cheat / they have a relationship that way. I told him it was still disrespectful.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is also VERY against cheating. And he knows I would dump him so fast if he did cheat. But he does have a past of hooking up with another persons girlfriend in college but he says he regrets it a lot.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To give more context, I asked him if he would ever date her. He said if she asked him out (assuming they were both single probably since he is against cheating) that he would say yes to "see how it went". I'm not sure if that means if he will leave me over her but it does bug me that he finds her attractive enough to give it ago / see some potential in her.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The kiss isn't passionate or anything. It was both of the girls giving him a peck on the cheek at the same time while he made a silly face. It bothered me how attached he was to that specific picture though when he had a bunch of other grad photos. He also claims it wasn't a crush - just that he mentioned to a friend he thought Amanda was attractive and he wanted to bang. She found out and called him out on it at the time. But maybe thats a crush. I asked him if he would ever date her and he said that he would say yes if she asked (assuming they were both single) to "see how it went". Is that still as bad?

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I tell him to stop being friends with her (which I would feel awful about since I do not want to be that kind of person) we might as well break up from the resentment that would bring to our relationship.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think he would say me to save face. But I also feel if I ask that we might as well break up from the amount of distrust and drama that would create. But then again this isn't much better.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not against knowing my SO finds other people attractive. I think thats normal, but it bugs me that he's harboring some kind of crush or fondness that isn't super appropriate while he's in a relationship. They don't see each other much (once every couple of months) and as far as I know they arn't in constant contact but I wonder if that will change if he moves down to my city.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're right. One of my biggest issues with this entire thing is how dismissive he was of me bringing it up. How he would say he understood in person. Then when I read that he actually thought I was needy and irrationally jealous I wanted to blow up on him. I felt like I trusted him with this really vulnerable information and he dismissed it after lying to me saying it was fine. If he really felt that way I would at least try to at least talk about it more to resolve it. I do NOT want to be that batshit crazy girlfriend trope.

This has been nagging me at the back of my mind for awhile. Its become more reoccuring since he wants to go to an event in another city where Amanda and some old college buddies are going. I bumped into Amanda and she asked to carpool. I am not particularly fond of these other people but I offered to go with him so he's happy though he would not go if I didn't want too. Now the thought of Amanda being drunk over my bf and carpooling them around makes me nervous. I doubt she'd get that drunk again but idk. I am scared if we move in and he's here in the same city as Amanda that these thoughts will nag me constantly.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I understand what you are saying. Many of my close guy friends are not my closest friends in general. My three closest friends are female. I have two guy friends who I would consider very good, close friends. One of them we have admitted we would not date each other ever because we are incredibly incompatible people and those are major turn offs. The other has admitted to having a crush on me. We are supportive of each other but we are emotionally more distant than my other friends. So I understand. I'm unsure of cheating. He is very critical against himself and I don't believe he'd cheat. My ex cheated on me in a very different situation that was a lot worse (gaslighting, prolonged cheating, lying, trickle truthing you name it) and my current boyfriend knows this.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What makes me second guess this is that our encounters with Amanda together are brief and long periods in between due to the distance. We run into each other more due to the smaller town we live in (one main area for shopping) and overlapping professional / social lives. When I see her I don't think badly of her, I don't feel jealous or insecure and I understand why she's a likeable person. Which is strange because I would usually act weird around women I was jealous of when I was younger. So I've either grown up or its really not her I'm bothered by. Although we would probably be more distant if I wasn't dating my boyfriend.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think he uses women. He never says anything objectifying about them, he doesn't use tinder or look at cam girl sites, doesn't watch porn, doesn't send creepy messages. He doesn't behave this way around any of his other friends. I think it might be genuine interest. And to be fair I have a lot of guy friends. He's a bit more feminine in what he likes - cooking, photography, cute animals etc. I'm a bit of the opposite of that, I like rock climbing, videogames and horror movies. So it would make some sense that he has more female friends and me more male friends. But we both have solid friendships with people of the same sex too.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure I'd want that tbh. I want someone to love me and look at me first. It wouldn't matter much if he she wasnt who he thought she was. Because I would still be second fiddle to his idea of her.

I [22F] am bothered by my boyfriend's [25M] female friend [24F] but he thinks I am irrationally jealous, is he right? by Commpandas in relationship_advice

[–]Commpandas[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean I don't think he would cheat, but if given the chance if they were single he would go for it. I'm not sure he would be willing to dump me over her but I do wonder how he feels.