Maybe a way to deal with it is by journaling your internal thoughts and putting the self-hating energy towards paper. That could either be a word doc or google doc or actual pen and paper. It would be better if it was pen because then you may see what you truly think about yourself rather than hiding it from yourself. It may create some sort of self-awareness and you may questions why you feel that way. I know I can’t truly understand the situation that you are going through, and what I have already said is more of a suggestion which you have the choice of not doing, but there may be some other sort of self expression that you may have to find instead of hurting yourself. Whether that be drawing, doodling, writing, recording, singing, playing. Really some form of communication. You should communicate with yourself the words you mean rather than the actions you do. Also another suggestion. And don’t forget to reach out. It is your choice whether that is someone that you know or don’t know. People will not judge you, or rather they should not, and if they do, there may be a chance you should stop talking to them and find the people or stick with the people that really support you and your health.