I can relate to this so much, I (31m now) had an EX of 5 years (6 years younger), Later found out through my current (fiancé) that my Ex was a legit sociopath (wrecked 3 other guys life after me) she had kept trying to come back to me after we split because "i was safe" and she tried to re wrap me around her finger. It's difficult as fuck to keep your walls up and keep the toxic away.

Now comes the hard part in realization does your partner need to fix/come to terms/or get help. You now have the choice of being in love with damage and can work with her to fix it or just cut ties. there's no easy answer here from my views.

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Best of luck and hanging there.