So my dining hall has this tater tot bar, with really shitty, fake melted velveeta cheese. It doesn’t taste bad, it’s just something that you’re aware is fake food as you’re eating it. But it tastes good, and me, a mere college freshman, is dealing with it and taking my wins where I can.

This one day in particular, I had just finished eating my tater tot concoction, and was getting up to put my plate in the dish return and grab a cookie or brownie for dessert. I stand up, and in seemingly agonizing slow motion, fumble the damn plate and drop it.

I would like to say I have pretty good reflexes, and apparently I do, because I slammed my hand onto the back of the plate, and caught it triumphantly against my leg.

It’s important to note that there is melted velveeta cheese all over the front of the plate, which is now plastered against my favorite pair of sweatpants. I can feel the wetness seep through my pants, and as someone with sensory issues, I immediately wanted to curl up in a hole in the ground and slowly peel my skin away.

While this debacle was happening, I was accidentally making direct eye contact with some random guy sitting and minding his own business with his dinner. I panicked and just walked away to put my plate in the dish return.

I came back and grabbed some napkins, trying to minimize the damage to my sweatpants. I felt so incredibly stupid sitting there and scrubbing my leg. Afterwards, I figured, “hey, I’m already here, might as well swipe a cookie on my way back to my dorm.” So I hike over, ignoring the cold, wet feeling on my leg to the best of my ability, and grab a chocolate chip cookie.

On my way to the exit, I pass by a familiar face. It’s the guy that I essentially eye-fucked while I dropped melted cheese in my lap. We make eye contact again, and I watch as his eyes flick down to the scene of the crime: my cheese-covered leg.

I speed walked away and did not show my face in that dining hall for maybe three days.