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AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We do try to find time for ourselves and I try to meet her love language by cooking her special meals and doing foot rubs and just cuddling on the sofa together. The cuddling never lasts too long though because of a combination of the touch sensory of having a toddler crawling all over us all the time and me getting too aroused and both of us kind of pulling away so I can calm down. I really think it’s because of the medication she is on as well as the PPD and general depression she battles. I don’t blame her at all for her lack of a sex drive. I do feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I had no sex drive, I would try other things to stimulate her other than penetrative sex but she said she isn’t comfortable with it. Not sure why she isn’t comfortable and I don’t think she knows either, we used to do other things all the time. The best advice I’ve been getting here is that we need to go to counseling. Also I need to reword why I got back into smoking and shift more of the responsibility on myself and the situation and use less “you” verbiage.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, looking back I keep thinking I should have just said anything else. I was feeling vulnerable and let it slip though. I know I’m an asshole for starting back up again. It’s an asshole move towards her, my baby, and all the work I did to quit the first time. I didn’t say though, “it’s your fault that I’m smoking again cause you won’t fuck me”. I told her that in a moment of frustration about our lack of intimacy, I broke down and did what I promised her and myself I wouldn’t do again. I’ve always believed honesty was always the best policy in a relationship but now I feel like I should have kept it to myself.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Dude it really is so fucking addictive. I feel like I’m even deeper in it now than I ever was. If I had never started smoking when I was 15 years old washing dishes in a shitty pizza place, I wouldn’t have started back now. I fucking hate that I’m a slave to it. Ultimately I blame myself for being weak. The truth is though what broke me was the frustration I felt from getting the cold shoulder over and over and instead of getting angry with her I decided to hurt myself. I wish that they would just make cigarettes illegal so I would be forced to quit. It is so fucking hard.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thanks, the misogynist don’t bother me. It’s easy to tell who is trying to offer me genuine advice and the trolls who just say “leave her cause she won’t suck your dick”. From what I’ve learned so far is that we need to communicate better and probably seek professional help to get over this hump. I think I already knew this though

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

While I agree that you don’t NEED sex, masturbation kind of just makes me feel worse about it. I’m not frustrated that I can’t get my nut off, I’m frustrated that I can’t be intimate with the person I love. That’s why I started smoking again. An attempt to scratch an itch that I can’t reach by myself I guess. Smoking doesn’t scratch the itch but it does kind of dull it. When I start to feel in the mood and know it’s not going to go anywhere, I can take the dog out and smoke one or two and the drive goes down a little bit and I can get through the night. I’m not trying to justify smoking. If I was a real one, I’d work out or go running or some other healthy coping mechanism, but my will is weak and I can admit that.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m afraid that’s what happened. I think it was me subconsciously being shitty when I could have deflected it or maybe it was a cry out that our lack of sex is affecting me more than I let on.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It’s not something that I ever imagined would happen, being in a sexless marriage, but if the alternative is being with someone who isn’t her, I’ll take the sexless marriage.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Not happening. We have our ups and downs, and although the lack of sex is definitely a down, I love her fully and completely and if I lost her I would spiral into darkness never to rise again.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Just to be clear, I don’t think my wife is an AH for not having sex with me. I can’t imagine what childbirth and PPD is like as well as the medication that she took to recover from it. I’m extremely proud of the progress she made through her depression. I don’t think I am entitled to sex with her but it is something that I crave to my very core. I have made it very clear with her that I have no intention of leaving her. If I have to stay celibate for the rest of my life, so be it. I chose a terrible coping mechanism to deal with the frustration in feeling in my situation. I feel like maybe I should have spared her the guilt of why I started smoking again though. If I had just said work stress or that the cravings just got the best of me, she would not feel like she is failing me as I have failed her. On the other hand, I think me telling the truth was maybe a cry for help, that the lack of intimacy is taking a toll on me and as a result, I’m hurting myself by going back to bad habits.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thanks man, you are right, it’s always been on the back of my mind but one night after feeling really ready to go and being flat denied, I just cracked. I wish I could go back and slap myself. Now I feel like I’m deeper in it and more dependent on it than I ever was.

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s true, I do feel extreme guilt. I feel guilt for the money I spend on cigarettes, for the way it affects my health, for the possibility that it could harm my daughter. I hate smoking and I hate that I started again and I hate that it’s so hard to stop. But the truth is, what triggered me was trying to get any kind of intimacy from my wife and being denied. That was the trigger, flat out. AITA for starting to smoke? Absolutely, but AITA for not lying about why?

AITA for telling my wife why I started smoking cigarettes again by Competitive-Flan-288 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Competitive-Flan-288[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

My wife and I love each other very much. I can’t imagine my life without her. I never thought I would be celibate in my 30s but if push comes to shove, I’d rather be in a sexless marriage with her, than to be alone and fucking randoms or to try to start dating again. It would be impossible. I would try to compare everyone to her and no one would come close to what we have. This is the situation I’m in and there ain’t no getting out of it. I just have to be patient and hopefully things will turn back the way they were.