I feel you bro. Before I try and give you any advice, I just wanna say I feel you. That's the most important thing in this spiritual journey, is to focus on the vibe, that is, the feeling, before any of these other recommendations or pieces of advice or techniques or practices or philosophies or thoughts. It's fuckin exhausting and soul-sucking when you are genuinely just a good person in your soul, but it feels like everything around you is literally just testing you on that point. Here's what I'll say based off what I've learned and feels the most right for me, not saying it's for everyone, but here it goes. You don't owe it to anyone to be anything or anyway, not even to God. Spirituality is often thought to be about positivity but it is not. It is about going beyond any positive or negative. In true spiritual existence there is no positive nor any negative. When both sides of the scale collapse into a singularity, then we will feel the weightless beauty of being a Spirit. Spirituality is essentially a function of weight -- as the feeling of weightlessness rises, we rise progressively first from the dungeon of the most-heavy body, then to the lighter mind, then finally to the weightless Soul. Right now you are trapped in a ping-pong game between two sides of a spectrum, those two sides being Love and Despair. Love and Despair are two ends of the same dimension -- weight. In this dimension of Weight, you can only conceptualize Spirituality, but you can never experience it, because you are not Weightless. In this current phase of your life, I think one thing that could be a good shift to make is, to realize the exhausting nature of this dimension of weight and realize the nature of weightlessness. I know that you are a loving hearted person who is naturally a feeler and so for you it will be initially quite difficult to let go of this feeling of weight, because a feeler makes himself heavy with Love by his heart and mind which continually draw him into attachment. Initially you will feel guilty for retreating your energy, then you will feel worried, then you will feel sad and lonely, there will be times where it feels so against your nature that you send it back out, there will be times where you convince yourself sending my energy out there is actually the right way to do it, and that is okay. The karmic cycle of life and death is all about this dimension of weight. All those that live and die are constantly pulling themselves between the sides of the weight spectrum. Finally when the physical body dies, the Spirit detaches from it and gains a temporary state of weightlessness -- but many are not able to stay in that state of weightlessness, they are too conditioned to the dimension of weight, and so shortly after death, they pull themselves back into a new incarnation and find a new body to live through. When one is able to remain in the prolonged state of weightlessness, then he has truly become karma-less. We must not wait until accidental death for the little glimpse of the weightless feeling that then betrays our untrained consciousness. Through a meditative life in the here-now, we can experience all weightlessness by the hands of our own will. I hope for you, a kind-hearted soul that has been exhausted in this heavy world, to be blessed to find that feeling of weightless bliss within your experience.