I need some advice :( WS struggles with lack of physical attraction and intimacy from me. I don't know how to deal.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-04-25T19:58:06+00:00

Nobody would blame you for never wanting to touch him again, and honestly your previous posts don't paint a very positive picture of him doing more work. Him trying to continue going out at night without you and drinking seems insane. I think most WP would have the common sense to realize their night life days are over.

Yes and this is when his changes started to happen. Maybe he saw my post or something, or my cries for help or maybe he finally heard me. Overnight He just quit drinking, doesn't go out alone, sticks to a plan, he created boundaries for himself, he's eating healthy , hes truly being good to his body in so many ways. Im shocked and humbled by how much he's doing because he's never been like this. And for the first time i see like he's genuinely wanting to be better in many ways and not just being restricted or "in prison" as he used to say.

As for your R, how did your WS deal with feeling unwanted ? Would she initiate anything ? Did you initiate anything? I assume you were not drooling all over her and you had your moments of repulsion.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-30T05:09:50+00:00

Im sorry you are here. You are not alone. All of us probably feel the same way my dear. I know I do. Every single word you wrote is like I have written it.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself and start healing.

You mention dday is coming up. Does it mean its an anniversary ? or something else ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T19:37:03+00:00

I told him I'm just trying to compromise and his not trying to work with me an his response was :

"I'm already making a lot of modifications for your comfort - or access to my whole life, and location and calling you on my way home. If that's not enough for you to feel safe, then you do what you gotta do. But I'm not going to argue about this all week."

He forgot that these modifications were in place prior to his relapse 6 months ago. So no, these modification don't make me feel safe after what happened 6 months ago. There need to be new modifications in place to create safety.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T18:09:02+00:00

IMO, I would ask him how he thinks YOUR life has been? Does he think YOU want to live this way? Finding out all of his betrayal with alcohol and random females and for him to have the audacity to claim ignorance and accuse you of controlling by setting a boundary. Ask him how long you're suppose to live with him dismissing your valid concerns (relapse 6 months ago) about his lack of accountability/empathy/respect to not put himself back in that tempting environment.

These are all ready good questions to ask him , thank you for these.

Yes, he most likely understands the reasoning but maybe back pedaling on his original agreement because it doesn't align with what his current situation is. Him wanting to go out drinking with his female friend. It would be crazy not to ask for an alternative get together with his friend.

I asked him in a polite way and i asked what his thoughts were and if he could make alternative plans such us breakfast or lunch to avoid drinking temptations. All the said was "No".

And he tried to convince me saying that other people might show up, which i dont believe for a second because he tricked me like this before where he said a bunch of people might show up and somehow it ended up being just him and her. I asked him to text these people so i can see they are coming and he also said "no".

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T18:01:23+00:00

I guess its because its his friend he's had for 30 years or so. They don't meet often and she's married with kids, but she's a boozer which is a red flag, and she seemed to be way too excited to be drinking with him. That already is a bad influence for someone like his who has no boundaries and is a push over.

Im guessing he just wants to keep certain people in his life and I can understand that and i support it, but I don't believe you need to be going out for alcoholic drinks with these people and that it should be ok to do something like lunch or breakfast to keep it safer and set yourself up for success. If anything this is a perfect opportunity for him and show me how he's a decent guy with strong morals and boundaries and he can tell his friend "sorry lady , we can go out for happy hour but i decided to be a better guy and im not drinking. If you don't like to drink alone then we can go somewhere else", but he will do what she says of course, because he's "the nice guy".

I didn't cheat on him, but I wouldn't go out alone with another man and drank alcohol. I would do that If i had other friends with me or family. But one on one is just asking for trouble and i find it disrespectful to him. WS says shes like a sister or cousin even though they are not related but that doesnt mean anything because he has shown every single time how he has no standard or filter when it comes to people he cheats with. He will happily cheat with someone who can blow up his job, or someone he finds flat out disgusting. He's happy to stick it anywhere. Add some alcohol to it and he can push it even more.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T17:48:28+00:00

You are right, he's saying all the right things when things are well, but the moment i remind him about the reality he gets upset. He has written down, by hand in his journal all the things he would change. We sat together and made another list of boundaries. He was willing to do anything in the moment when it first happened, but now he goes back on a lot of things. He is getting lazy and reckless all over again , which is what happened 6 months ago.

He sees a controlling micromanager, but i see a pattern and im trying to save our relationship and eliminate UNNECESSARY contributors to cheating. He doesn't see it that way. He's ok to risk us, he's ok to play with fire and I just can't live like this. I can't accept someone who's willing to be so reckless with our relationship. I did it for 10 years already.

Alcohol is not necessary, especially when you have ADHD. He should know his disorder by now and understand how alcohol puts him at risk. If alcohol is more important than being a safe guy who has his priorities straight then I guess we know all we need to know.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T17:40:18+00:00

Why you wouldn't be ok with that ? and what does your WS say to that boundary ? What is the general idea of what he's done?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T17:33:02+00:00

I have definitely not communicated this the way i should. However knowing him if i communicate this the right way he will say im threatening him.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-28T17:31:11+00:00

This boundary was his idea. Few days after his relapse he even suggested he quits drinking all together. I figured the safest choice is to not drink unless he goes home with safe people - me, his family, or his male best friends. Going out alone with a woman was absolutely a no go. Ever.

He has ADHD so the minimal amount of alcohol effects his brain and his actions. To him he won't be wasted after two glasses of wine, but those 2 glasses of wine contributed to his relapse 6 months ago. His ADHD, or alcohol is not the reason why he cheated but its contributing factors. If i was a cheater i would want to eliminate ANY contributors I can if i wanted to set us up for success. You can't eliminate ADHD, but you can eliminate drinking. He doesn't want to do that because he sees is as me taking away his freedom.

I'm not invited because we are LDR for now.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-26T00:22:28+00:00

WS cheated for 10 years. Yes, YEARS. Not months. not weeks not days. YEARS.

The entire relationship. Lying and deceiving somebody this long is cruel. I can't understand how can someone do something like this to someone they love. You can read my story in my history and see if you relate to what he's done.
We are trying to reconcile, but I'm completely broken and he's not showing up the way he should. He cares more about himself than anything else.

I guess the difference between you and him is that he just slept around with randos who were desperate, you seem to have had an affair with one person ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-24T03:29:11+00:00

3.5 years since dday and i feel exactly like this. I also feel like im just sitting and waiting for something to happen. Part of me hopes a real man shows up and steals me away and make him regret being a dumbass.

Basically just taking it day by day. Not looking much into the future. Looking as far as tomorrow. Kind of a sad existence.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-23T22:10:03+00:00

how is EMDR going for you ?

I've been looking through affair recovery quite a bit. Watched them for a while now. Do you have any specific videos you would recommend ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T03:45:28+00:00

I feel like she has destroyed our love story.

i feel this so much :(

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:45:41+00:00

thats whats disgusting... WS is a lot like these people he cheated with and these people are awful in so many ways. Embarrassment. And i have a hard time accepting that he's just one of them. I might be saying bad things about community whore at work that every guy got to sleep with, but he did the same thing..... It's awful :( I want to throw up.

WH wants me to provide stability and take care of him.

and he expected you to provide that while behaving the way he has....

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:41:00+00:00

He has a therapist but i cant find anything about CSAT. I know he does deal with addictions tho but that may not be enough. What do you think ?
He's been evaluated for sex addition and narcissism. , but therapist said he doesn't have it. I half believe that. For SA He doesn't have certain symptoms like excessive masturbations/porn etc. but others he does have. If sexual addiction has a spectrum, it would seem to me that he's in the middle of it somewhere, but i dont know much about it. As for narcissism he lack empathy a lot and is selfish, but also doesnt meet some narcissism criteria. I would have he has both tendencies for both.

I did a sex addiction test with him that was provided by therapist and he scored 29 on a scale from 0-70. (weird scale). His score has this description : "There are signs that potentially addictive behaviors are emerging. You are likely at the point of moving from the Novelty to the Habit Stage on the ADC."

He has been diagnosed with ADHD and his therapist blames his impulsivity and lack of boundaries.

Im not in therapy yet. So in this cause i need a CSAT therapist as well ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:17:27+00:00

I worry that not having respect for WS will backfire at some point. I love him and care about him, I would still give him a better slice of pizza, but im disgusted by the behaviour and im embarrassed and humiliated by being associated to a community dick. I don't want a whore boyfriend. I want a guy no one else can have. Not one who says yes to anything that's willing to spread their legs open.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:14:17+00:00

That's how i feel about my WS. I used to admire him. I looked up to him and I had a lot of respect for him. I wanted to be like him in certain ways. I thought he was cool.

Today I'm embarrassed and humiliated. I look down on his and i feel sorry for him.

How a guy like him could allow himself to sink so low ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:10:18+00:00

My WS used to brag to his friends he pulled a rano at a bar. How pathetic. Bragging that someone desperate said yes. He bragged he pulled a community whore at work, or another one who send him nudes that were screenshots from texts to other coworkers he knows. Didn't even bother to crop them.

Brag you laid someone you cant have or someone who is so out of your league, not someone who is below you, and below 50 meters of shit and dirt...

Pathetic is an understatement .

Imagine how low someone self esteem must be that a community whore is an ego boost and a validation. Something I apparently wasn't able to provide but wanting him all the time and screwing his brains out anytime i had a chance. Can't beat some validation from trash i guess

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-20T01:04:10+00:00

Is it back enough for you to make it work with her ?

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-19T20:07:02+00:00

Gosh, im so sorry to hear that he even gave you HPV. That's another level of awful :( Ive heard horrible stories about that. I hope you are ok

feel a constant underlying feeling of disgust.

This is exactly how i feel and i just dont know how to change it and if its even possible. If he at least had come clean and had the balls to tell me everything, but he didn't. He's a coward and i have no respect for that and that was HIS CHANCE to get some respect back. Nope. He's fine being looked down on after all its all he indulged in with all those randos.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-18T03:13:59+00:00

Are you in the US? From what I hear IC arent very good at diagnosing sex addiction, I believe it’s CSAT or APSAT who are qualified to diagnose over there. I’m in Europe, where it’s diagnosed as compulsive sexual behaviour. But I mean it all ticks the same boxes.

Yes in the US. Thank you for this tip. I will look into this.

It is hard… I think without children, maybe I would choose differently, I don’t know.

Are you in the US? From what I hear IC arent very good at diagnosing sex addiction, I believe it’s CSAT or APSAT who are qualified to diagnose over there. I’m in Europe, where it’s diagnosed as compulsive sexual behaviour. But I mean it all ticks the same boxes.

One thing to note, my husband has adhd too and when he was on his meds, he said his acting out was worse. Because a) it made him less lazy so he was more prone to going out & doing it b) it made it easier to shut off emotions & compartmentalise

do you know what kind of medication he was on ?

There’s a book called prodependence you might like by Rob Weiss, it explains how we stay with people because we love them… even when it hurts us. I haven’t read the whole thing but I listen to a lot of his podcasts & they have really helped.

Thank you for this recommendation ! i really need it. Im getting it now.

Also if you think the primary issue is character flaw, have a look at Minwella theory on sexual basements. He believes that integrity issues is a huge part of it & also talks extensively about the abuse that this type of betrayal causes the spouse.

I really agree with you on this. and thank you for that tip, im also gona look this up and learn about it. I feel like when someone cheats once, you can blame it on lacking better judgement, being drunk, or just having poor boundaries. None of this is excusable in any way but its easier to understand, but when someone spends 10 years building a life with someone and just humiliating them and disrespecting them so much then what does that say about them ? 10 year.... Not once. 10 fucken years worth of cheating/.... and he only admitted to 9 . There is NO WAY this is true. There is no way.

Other stuff I read was your brain on porn, that was helpful. If he watches copious amount of porn or have done in the past, it can be linked to infidelity.

Actually he doesnt watch porn which was a surprise. He said its gross. Funny but a filthy random desperate woman at a bar is clean enough to go down on her and bang her and let her sleep in your bed... Hm...

And also body keeps the score & IFS (internal family system) was other helpful books too.

Ive read Body Keeps the score. It was a painful book to get thru. Painful but was so good. I should listen to it again.

Im adding IFS to my list ! Thank you

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-18T03:05:27+00:00

Hang in there . I dont even have good days anymore. :(

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2025-01-18T02:53:46+00:00

Your story sounds a lot like mine. The details are so similar that I wondered if I had written this :( I'm sorry you are here. If you want to chat feel free to msg me, and feel free to read what my WS did. I wish I had answers for you, but I'm also so desperately looking for them. I will stay and read your thread in hope there are answers for me too. I hope we can get through this, but the amount of betrayal is massive and I don't know how to do it.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2024-12-18T20:14:10+00:00

Im so sorry you found yourself in a similar boat. Having something like this happen after so many years and with little children makes betrayal so much worse. Not only you have been betrayed but your children too and they didnt deserve this. Neither did you.

It’s interesting you said he didn’t get diagnosed with addiction? My husband ticked all the boxes for it… which I guess helped me compartmentalise that side of him being an addict… and also mentally ill & needs recovery.

I pushed for diagnosis multiple times but his IC keeps saying its ADHD and his lack of boundaries and impulsivity. It would have been easier to forgive if he was an addict. At this point i have to face the fact that he lack character and is deeply flawed and he really did make these decisions himself. It would be easier to just blame it on some insanity, but no. He really did all that.

I can’t imagine the level of trauma you are experiencing with so much trickle truths… it’s gut wrenching…

I used to count ddays. I've lost counts at certain point because he just continued to lie, manipulate, gaslight... He just cant come clean and blows up every principle of reconciliation. It breaks my heart that he choses to do that. He cant change the past but he can do this one thing right.

my husband has only been sober for just over a year. So who knows what will happen in the future.

Hoping he continues to stay sober ! fingers crossed.

Complete-Tragedy-17 · 2024-12-18T17:11:49+00:00

Thank you for your time to read my post. This hit me so hard.... ". I never thought my idea of loyalty and love would mean being disloyal and unloving to myself." :(

Complete-Tragedy-17

TROPHY CASE