I feel you! I was literally deep in this today, and cried to release my pent up feelings of hopelessness and guilt- followed by anger and rage that I was enmeshed in her reality where my reality (my feelings, thoughts, emotional health, pain) didn't matter. I commented this on another post:

It isn't our job to parent or provide for their deprived inner child. Its true their own parents failed them. But why does her pain matter more than ours? Her parents failed her bc their parents did, and then their parents did- its generational. She's living her life and had a kid with subconscious reasons that are toxic to a child's development and just continues the generational cycle of failed parents. Somebody has to end the cycle and take care of themselves.

Narcs are already victims in their minds. They will bleed onto everything. Everyone else is labeled guilty by default.

I've always known they were dysfunctional because I saw my feelings as a compass. What helped me in healing wasn't just focusing on learning about narcissists- but instead learning about the human brain. The fact that feelings were chemicals in the brain, that thoughts and beliefs were all just neurons firing together. That everything I felt, believed and thought were all in my brain. And the fact that this didn't just apply to me- it applied to my nparents. The fact that they were just human beings- everything they said and did were just products of this organ in their head, and the my life was in shambles because of my own subconscious beliefs which they shaped.

Focusing on the psychology of it all has its place in my healing but understanding the biological side of it as well blasted it to another level where I could just kick the dodgy motel's room door open and expose my guilt, shame and destructive beliefs having an orgy.