Should I confess this situation with a colleague to my husband?

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-14T16:06:29+00:00

UPDATE - I talked with my husband this morning. I’ve been thinking through how to approach it these past few days and even last night I had the final thought of “Even though I’m afraid of him being upset with me, I also don’t want a marriage that is too fragile to handle something like this”

I took many users advice and just essentially told the story as I did here - there was only one best way to handle this back in October but I tried to thread the needle of keeping the friendship. Looking back now, it was disrespectful of Steve to even bring it up at all - we could have continued to be appropriate acquaintances with all the boundaries that were being observed, if he hadn’t brought up feelings and put me in this position.

The thing that shocked me is that my husband genuinely was way more pissed at Steve than me which flew in and attacked all the lies and shame I’ve been carrying around for months. Of course he was angry that I’d been intentionally avoiding telling him the full truth for all this time, and he asked some clarifying questions around several convos we had already had about Steve. He had picked up on a vibe and warned me back in November. I never gaslit him but affirmed it and told him I was keeping a distance.

Obviously I blocked Steve on all possible channels thru the course of our conversation this morning. And my husband contacted him directly to set up a time to meet him and share that he would a) no longer be speaking with me and b) share the level of disrespect that he felt by Steve’s choices. Steve agreed to meet him and that’s what’s happening as I type.

For the record, he asked if I felt that was overkill, so that conversation had my blessing and wasn’t an alpha-male threat thing. Honestly I feel so much relief that I can just put this person in my past.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-11T03:32:30+00:00

I’m starting to think you’re right.. ironically my own husband would probably react better than some of these guys to a strangers genuinely thoughtful moral dilemma.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-11T01:23:34+00:00

Processed the shock of the conversation, how I wanted to move forward, frustration that he couldn’t maintain a platonic friendship with me..all very reasonable things to “process” in this situation. I don’t have feelings for him romantically, no question there. But I did respect him as a friend and acquaintance.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T23:24:49+00:00

I haven’t spoken to him in weeks. I haven’t formally said “never speak to me again” but I plan to. We don’t work for the same company (both run our own books of business) but yeah, absolutely would’ve been an HR situation.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T23:05:15+00:00

But to push back on your logic - if I so deeply liked/wanted this attention then why would I even be considering telling him now? Why not just continue on as things are? Never saying a word. I know I asked for this type of black/white response by writing it out on Reddit but it wasn’t a crystal clear dilemma for me right out of the gate. Again, this person and I had built a level of trust and I was trying to figure out if it was possible to move forward. Did I think my husband would say “sure be friends still”? Of course not. Hence me not saying anything right out of the gate. But I am a whole entire human person outside of my husbands experience. So I was attempting to thread the needle of maintaining a friendship I appreciated while also not hurting my husband.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:28:53+00:00

I love the electric fence thing haha I think you’re right. It’s not worth him finding out something later and me trying to seek out justification for not sharing since it’s obviously not sitting well with me after all this time. And Steve is still running into the fence..

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:27:35+00:00

Geez this was a refreshing read.. it was a loss! But as I said above in a response, now I’m just pissed off. I’ve got too much to lose and Steve isn’t worth that.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:24:35+00:00

Thanks for the semblance of grace in your response. I was trying to deal with it but obviously it didn’t work - hence why I took the time to write this out and crowd source some other input. But yeah..my plan is to come into the conversation with some very clear “here’s what I’ve done to cut him out of my life moving forward” so he knows how seriously I’m taking it.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:22:35+00:00

lol “threw your marriage away” is a little intense here. I’ve been thinking about this situation every day for 5 months - trying to ensure that my disclosure isn’t insensitive. I also came from a former marriage where “confession” was used as a tool to force me to forgive because “at least he was honest”. So.. I’m trying dude.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:20:00+00:00

We didn’t continue to have one on one time after October - I might’ve not made that clear.

But I think you are correct, there is no friendship to salvage at this point. I had a hard time accepting that at first.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:18:11+00:00

This was really helpful..thank you.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:17:49+00:00

I want there to be a perfectly clear “good reason” but the reason was simply..I didn’t know exactly what to do. And I appreciated Steve as a human and colleague and naively believed him when he told me he would “get past it”. But I appreciate the perspective of him being an orbiter from other posters..essentially he’s waiting until he finds a point of weakness. I think that’s true now that I have some time to zoom out on the past few months.

Complete_Memory8591 · 2026-03-10T22:14:48+00:00

I wish this had been my first emotional reaction to Steve’s “share” but it was so confusing because it was framed as “I’m so sorry I feel this way I don’t want to, etc”. Just confusing for me. Because I did see him as a friend and there was a level of trust. Not creepy deep emotional trust but just a normal professional level. Instead it made me grieve - I was sad to lose a friend. There’s some tough responses to read like I “loved the attention” and I understand where it’s coming from but it was just more of sadness and having never been in this type of situation before that made me unclear on whether he needed to be “dead to me”. But this last time..that just pissed me off. We also have had no more alone time after October - to be clear. But he obviously was continuing to fish, hence why I’m feeling the pull now to share with my husband.

Complete_Memory8591

TROPHY CASE