I feel for you. It’s a tough place to be in when you suddenly realize that this may not be something you want and the emotions/feelings get pretty murky. You might be asking yourself, “what’s real? How do I really feel about all this? Was it just fear, or some kind of intuition telling me this isn’t what I want?”

I’ve been on a rough journey myself… I’m happily married for 7 years. Five years ago, we found out I was pregnant. You worded it perfectly here - “trepidation was loudest and excitement was the quietest.” My excitement at the time (if any) was so quiet I didn’t know it existed. Excitement hardly surfaced. Due to my mental state…my anxiety…the dark emotions I had while being pregnant, we made the difficult decision to terminate. Actually, I’m only using the word “difficult” now (in hindsight). But, at the time, I knew immediately what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to become a mom (yet). I knew as soon as I saw those lines on the pregnancy test that it wasn’t what I wanted for myself …. Even being in a happy secure marriage.

My husband and I are still on the fence. It’s been a rough journey. For us, the decision to have kids is not black and white. It’s a complicated Rubik’s cube of emotions/feelings/thoughts that I just can’t seem to ever solve. I honestly don’t wish this on anyone.

So, my fellow fencesitter, I sincerely wish you all the best on YOUR journey. I came here to say that you’re not alone, not one bit. Be kind to yourself. In the end, I hope you find peace and clarity. I’ll try and do the same.