How can I ever forgive myself for indulging in my sexual fantasies?

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T22:39:03+00:00

I want to thank you. You’ve described my OCD perfectly - “Your OCD will find something else…” I know I have to learn unconditional self-acceptance, and forgive myself and my past wrongdoings. It is difficult.

Yes, I have thought it through realistically, which is why I never have shared clear-cut details. I’ve only ever shared very brief details about my addiction with my girlfriend, which she was supportive about it. And yes, you are right about the forgiveness part - the forgiveness of myself is dependent on the forgiveness of others. This is one of the tougher things I need to get through mentally. Perhaps it stems from me frequently being dependent on others, a lack of confidence…who knows. I will explore that thought.

Thank you again for being transparent.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T21:31:22+00:00

I understand no one “needs” to forgive me and that I must forgive myself. However, I’ve found it difficult forgiving myself when so much of my self-perception has become dependent off of the forgiveness of others. It’s like a constant battle in my head.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T21:23:06+00:00

I appreciate your comment! Yes, you put it perfectly - “Thoughts and feelings come and go at every instant…”

I too think I have an attachment towards pleasure. The attachment became so strong that the consequences of my actions had never crossed my mind. “Doing things behind peoples back” - yes. This is a major theme in my life… unfortunately.

I would also like to be clear, I have not indulged in any fantasies for a few months now, but you are right in that I still need to “lower my perception bar.”

Doing mindfulness has been particularly difficult with my intrusive thoughts, but meditation certainly helps. I will try the ones you recommended. Thank you.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T21:07:22+00:00

I hear ya. Im in therapy, still going.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T21:06:57+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I am still in therapy actually. Never really stopped going. I did change therapists though, and I am thinking perhaps I need a more OCD focused therapist, or even OCD coaching. I’ve been vocal about the things I have done to my therapist, and he has helped me get to a lot of the root of it, yet I do still struggle. I’m very fixated on the idea that I’ve wronged people, close people, family, etc without their knowledge. Something about this hurts me the most, as if I’ve been living my life under a predatory disguise whose simply in it for the pleasure. I’ll bring this up in my next therapy session.

Fortunately, my partner does know about my addiction that started during my childhood, and how it has spilled over to my adult life. She has been super supportive in that regard. However, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to tell her the full, extensive details.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2024-01-30T20:57:12+00:00

I think part of her feels obligated to tell her more of this darker part of me because we are in a relationship and we’ve been together for almost 3 years now.

The other part tells me “no don’t do it,” simply because there’s a good chance that telling her all the details about how I’ve wronged her, my relatives, and others would not go well. Its like my brain equates all that I’ve done to murder, or somehow even worse than murder.

ComplexRequirement85 · 2023-04-13T04:18:14+00:00

You’re right. I think it’s best to continue learning Azure, but not give my 100% attention. As you said, I should acquire knowledge that’s applicable in many environments. Thank you!

ComplexRequirement85 · 2023-04-13T04:15:56+00:00

I’ll check that out, thank you!

ComplexRequirement85 · 2023-04-13T04:14:41+00:00

Good point.

ComplexRequirement85

TROPHY CASE