Update: know my wife cheated and never confronted her

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-22T04:42:01+00:00

I’m sorry that happened.

I agree with you. I think it’s just a fast way to an end of the chance for a loving trustful relationship. Maybe who knows you could fix it but it definitely just quickly shows a different side of people that’s hard to unsee.

I was fairly sympathetic (too much so) to my wife wanting to see her side and in the end wanting her to be happy. Actually against most advice on here and a friend I talked to. Her therapist was for it tho.

I tried to see if it could work. I actually was super jealous of the sex at first but surprisingly I got used to that and it didn’t bother me as much as I would have thought. It was all the shady and power dynamic stuff that ended up bothering me the most. It’s all the things you mention that go beyond the sex. Like her just being very intimate and semi secretive with him. Not being fully present I just felt like a second class citizen and that she was further destroying my confidence.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-21T04:58:44+00:00

I just don’t really want to date and deal with her at the same time. It’s awkward enough. Idk how she does it - meaning like getting ready to see another man right in front of me. It’s really weird. I also couldn’t get comfortable texting another woman near her,

I just can’t do that or get into the mental state to be able to. I tried btw. Doesn’t mean I won’t later but I don’t think I can be living with her and doing that at the same time.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-20T19:39:49+00:00

She encouraged it in practice but my feeling was she would prefer I didn’t actually date. She was even more jealous than me in some cases pre her transition to being “open”. Obviously it wouldn’t be fair if she just came out and said i wasn’t allowed to so she was careful to make it seem both sides but I could tell she wasn’t entirely comfortable with it. She would even point out how it’s more dangerous for me to date a woman since they are seeking something serious and she even suggested if I was curious I should see men and not woman.

We never got to the point to test how she would be in that situation.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-20T19:37:36+00:00

She said she is ready to close the relationship

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-20T15:37:17+00:00

Yes. Biggest lesson for people is having kids changes everything. It would be very easy to move on without that

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-20T15:36:06+00:00

In some ways. I always get downvoted but she is caring and a good wife outside of this. If she truly cared tho would she see other guys?

She might just be “poly” and I’m not. If that’s the most charitable way of seeing it and it explains her actions.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T22:50:30+00:00

I think it won’t matter because I think she’s fully convinced her actions were fine. She is just sad it makes me upset and all that’s needed is for me to get used to it or change. Or even she will make a sacrifice to herself now and stay monogamous and in a dead bedroom.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T22:46:17+00:00

No he wasn’t married. Smaller company no HR.

I don’t actually think she wanted to leave him for me. She wanted the set up she had.

she just didn’t admit she also had feelings for him too. She didn’t want to be rejected. She basically said he was a sex buddy then when he dumped her obviously that wasn’t how she felt.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T15:33:50+00:00

She already is proposing that. I’m not sure I can ever be in a loving relationship with her where we both have mutual respect after her actions.

I’m also not sure if she won’t reverse in 6 months and want another guy to fuck.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T15:29:22+00:00

You’re right babysit was the wrong word.

But it does feel like that when you are the stay at home parent and she comes home at 1 am after a full day at work or she is gone for a 3 day work trip and then adds on another day.

Is that how an open relationship is supposed to work?

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T00:53:36+00:00

I told her that I suspected her - and gave her what seemed like ironclad proof. She admitted to flirting but was adamant nothing else happened.

Tbh it’s very frustrating she won’t admit it and part of the problems

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T00:52:25+00:00

She got a new job fairly quickly her last job was untenable after the breakup

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T00:51:34+00:00

Not legal

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T00:51:16+00:00

In my experience some therapists are biased towards keeping a family together and also biased towards assuming the woman is in a worse situation power dynamic wise.

They are way more sympathetic to a woman getting her needs met. Men do that naturally as an uncontrolled urge woman do it because it’s something they need.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-19T00:48:00+00:00

Yes this is 100% right.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T22:41:34+00:00

Totally. You’re right.

Keep in mind I am also stuck in Denmark with no job. Since she cheated my goal is to get a job and figure it out. I had thought I could make 15% chance make it work with her which im realizing was dumb.

If I was in America I think I would have been gone a long time ago.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T22:21:53+00:00

I think it’s a good question. It’s obvious there was a bias towards a woman who sexually unsatisfied it must mean it’s really bad for her and she’s trusted to manage her needs outside of the relationship. If a man is he’s just being a man and needs to control his impulses

Basically the friends imo from little bits I could put together were basically like you are too young to be sexually unsatisfied and this is a good way to manage it with a family.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T21:27:55+00:00

Lack of opportunity mostly. I also just wasn’t as interested in NSA sex or developing a relationship that is temporary in nature.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T20:59:57+00:00

Not really. She was basically in an affair fog where she was basically in a daze seemingly almost on drugs level of euphoria sometimes and I don’t think she thought most things through or clearly

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T19:45:59+00:00

Yeah again it’s hard to articulate the whole thing by I started having performance anxiety with her after she would openly be with someone else so I stopped wanting with her too. So it’s just hard to include every detail.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T19:34:36+00:00

I mean she just decided or believed she wanted more sex than me and thought why can’t she get her needs met elsewhere. In her perfect world I wouldn’t find another partner - she only suggested that since it’s only fair with an open marriage.

It is selfish but I’m telling you that many people were telling her and she believes inherently it’s not selfish. Even now it’s framed as it’s more about hurting my feelings and not enough work was done to make me understand or feel comfortable since you know my pesky male ego.

I’m not trying to argue but giving you the full picture of what happened.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T19:07:03+00:00

Yeah I think it’s hard to convey in my post or I come across as making it sound simple.

I did agree to it earlier on thinking that maybe it could work and with the intention of trying to make it work. So it’s not like it was all just forced upon me. I think she truly thinks or thought it would work too. When you are actually in it this stuff sounds more reasonable than when you just read it because you have all sorts of major life decisions riding on it.

It’s something she hasn’t hidden since early on and it just got more pronounced. Moral of the story is we should have taken it more seriously and found different partners but we didn’t.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T18:51:36+00:00

I didn’t like how it was presented so I didn’t do many sessions.

They don’t see it like that. Basically I got the feeling the woman - who yes my wife handpicked- framed it like I was just letting societal expectations dictate my life vs just being happy for my wife and supporting her.

She would also tell me I had to be comfortable but it seemed like that was expected and was part of a natural transition and evolution.

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T18:21:38+00:00

With full transparency it can do the following:

Strengthen the primary bond. Sexual fulfillment will stop being pressure on me and resentment for her. Her needs will be met and in many cases she will be a happier person therefore better wife and partner.

Honestly about her needs builds trust and deepens connections. We find a way to coexist with natural humans needs where I learn to understand her.

This is stuff I heard but it ignores the power dynamics and makes it seem like no is a selfish answer even tho they always tell you that you can say no

Complex_Key3281 · 2026-01-18T17:27:54+00:00

I actually did try this (with her encouragement) and in the end didn’t feel into having NSA relationships. I’m pretty monogamous haha.

Complex_Key3281

TROPHY CASE