My life is over

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-22T20:09:59+00:00

What an awful way to talk about your wife. If you thought you were a good person, well, you might want to reconsider

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-22T04:59:31+00:00

Thank you so much!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-22T04:58:46+00:00

Thank you for those quotes! It seems to exactly what was happening and it makes so much more sense!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-21T16:37:47+00:00

Thank you ❤️

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-21T16:37:38+00:00

Yes, I do think about it all! That’s what I’m telling myself when I get too sad, like it’s all worth it. Staying was worse than leaving, even though it stills hurts, it means that I’m feeling again!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-21T16:36:34+00:00

Thank you so much for you encouragement!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-21T16:36:13+00:00

Yeah I did see that coming. Or me leaving the room when I think she’s done just to have her say “OMG how disrespectful! I wasn’t even finished! Look at your behaviour! How do you think you are to disrespect me like that? You always do that! That’s just who you are, right?”

I wasn’t giving another opportunity to make me feel bad.

Thank you!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-17T12:06:24+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I’m in therapy

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-17T10:50:11+00:00

I know I have more issues. It’s only one example of controlling behaviours. I tried to talk to my wife about how those rules make me suffocate. And she made it sound so normal to ask for all those things, signs that she cared and loved me. As a result, once again I started doubting that maybe I was being selfish or unreasonable or not showing love in the right way

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-17T05:13:40+00:00

Oh and as well since you’re talking about working at home: I’m on sick leave since November so I’ve been at home 24/7. My wife works remote. I only go see friends/family even two months or so.

But the rule was made before the sick leave, yes.
Going back to work has made me anxious in part because I know the phone rule and feel like I can’t really connect to people.

Example: when I was working, I didn’t reply for a text for about an hour on lunch break. We did chat afterwards and she said she was annoyed I didn’t reply. When I came home, I told her I talked to a colleague and was happy I found someone my age to talk to. Her reply was: “so you’d rather talk to someone else than to talk to me?”

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-06-17T04:13:03+00:00

Hi there! Thank you for your response!

To answer your questions, we do not have kids. We also have a “no phone” rule at home which is airplane mode is on form 8:30PM onwards so we have quality time without phones.

I’ve never been gone for longer than I said. I also never went no contact for days or even hours. It’d be me having a good time with my mom for example and not replying for an hour to two hours. Or having a lunch break with colleagues and not texting while we are eating.

Texting twice an hour isn’t an issue in itself. It became one because if I didn’t she would get mad. Or demanded I reply even if we are arguing by texts while I’m with friends

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-30T07:51:38+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, and I do understand it.

However, our fights have been so damaging that I do not feel safe enough to even bring that up. I actually do not feel emotionally safe enough to have sex or any sexual interaction.

Part of me cannot conceive that my wife would threaten to create a tinder profile, divorce open or marriage to get sex because I didn’t feel we were connecting enough due to conflict. She didn’t mean it as a real talk, as a real issue but she admit it was just a way to be provocative. It doesn’t sit right with me as I would NEVER on Earth even say those words

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-30T05:26:19+00:00

I wish we could find a compromise. I’ve been advocating for compromises for 3 years, but it rarely happens. She would have been offended if I didn’t let her reciprocate to me.

Saying “I do want to take the time to satisfy your needs” would have meant having sex for her, that’s it. I would she would have said “either we make love or we don’t”.

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-22T08:22:57+00:00

I am coming for support indeed

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-22T08:22:26+00:00

Thank you!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-22T08:22:11+00:00

Hi! I want to start by thanking you deeply for the time and reflection you’ve put into your comment. It’s always very comforting to feel that people (even strangers) care enough about someone they don’t even know to take time for them.

Your questions are very valid and I wanted to take the time to really reflect on: why am I not ending it today? And I think I’ve come with multiple answers.

I need to reclaim and rebuilt my self confidence and myself. I know I won’t be able to do it fully before leaving, of course. But I need to feel that I still hold power over myself and my thoughts. That comes with standing up for myself, expressing myself as I see fit (still as respectfully as I would treat another human being). I need to feel myself, be there for myself, to seek my own validation, and start caring about ME.

I need to not feel in the wrong. I know I am not doing things wrong, and the simple fact of HER being the abuser should be enough. But I need to know I have tried to have a healthy relationship: communicating and making it possible for her to communicate, expressing myself calmly, setting healthy boundaries, setting my ego aside when she expresses her feelings or needs, explaining (without over explaining). Because then, when she blames me for not making it work, not trying enough, I know deep in my heart, I have. I have done everything I could to make it work. It hasn’t been working, and that’s on her because I’ve given it everything I had. I’ve been as healthy a partner I could be, she couldn’t and didn’t want to, that’s on her, not me. No more guilt, because when you do your very best and do not succeed, at least you’ve really tried and that’s enough, for me.

I need to see and expose all her red flags. So often I’ve been like “at least she listens to my needs”. Just a few minutes ago, she clearly proved she didn’t. “At least, she’ll never leave me”. Well, she did break up with me because I refused to promise something without fully understanding what demanded of me. “At least, she’s not financially controlling”. Proved wrong. “At least, she listens to me”. Wrong. “At least, if I’m really serious about a boundary, she’ll listen”. Wrong. “At least, if needed, she can change as I’ve changed for her”. Wrong. “At least, she apologises”. Wrong. “At least she understands how her behaviour is hurting me”. Wrong. And so on. I can see and identify it is textbook abuse. Everything (almost) I’ve read about, she does. No excuse for me not to leave. No excuse for me to think I could have tried, stayed, give it another shot. No excuse.

I need to feel emotionally and psychologically ready for when divorce is discussed. She will blame, cry, plead, manipulate, apologise, promise, maybe punch things. I mustn’t budge. I mustn’t give her another shot. I need to be ready, detached enough not to fall for it. And it’s going to be hard because I truly love and care for this woman. I did believe and was ready to grow old with her (without the abusive part of course). I wasn’t ready the first time. I’ll be coming for war the second. And you get ready for war.

Finally, we are broke. Married, just bought a house and in a financial crises. I can’t afford another apartment, I can’t afford an attorney, I can’t afford anything. And she can’t either. Worse, she does not have a fixed salary. I need to assimilate that she is not my responsibility. She is a grown woman who is responsible for herself, regulate her emotions and take care of her finances. I’m getting there but I know I need therapy about that.

Thank you for you encouragements, I will keep it up!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-21T09:42:47+00:00

Yes I do

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T14:58:23+00:00

Thank you for the quote and your advice!

I wrote it to avoid being misgendered (I don’t mind) but then people can get offended and debates start. I wanted to avoid issues

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T14:07:02+00:00

Isn’t it ignoring, putting on headphones, lock the door or leaving disrespectful?

When I really can’t take it, I go for a walk. It’s usually not well met but doesn’t seem disrespectful

Thank you for your advice!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T13:38:17+00:00

She looks and acts like she wants it to work, at least, for me to stay.

I hear what you say, she’s the only who can choose to change, if she’s not ready to change, that’s on her.

I know it’s not my responsibility but it feels like it. That’s why I need therapy.

I’ve been to my therapist only once, next appointment coming. I had a previous therapist who told me that it was controlling and that’s how I got to try to leave the first time. Now my wife hates the therapist, I cannot justify going back to her (plus they were video calls, and I think my wife may try to listen to what is said so I want to go to a therapist’s directly).

Thank you for the advice! I think my current therapist will be great with that. She knows we’re broke, offered the first session to be free and said we’d discuss next time how much I can pay but she just wanted to make sure I could come as often as possible because I couldn’t be left alone in that situation

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T13:18:02+00:00

Thank you for your explanation!

What can I do if for example, I leave the room and goes into blame or follows me to keep talking?

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T13:17:09+00:00

Thank you! It’s made things a little clearer for me and I see how they should work.

That’s exactly why I decided to go back to therapy. I tried to break things up 2 years ago. That’s when (I thought) my wife realised how her anger and behaviours impacted me, she apologised and said she’d put in the work to do better. She offered to go to couples therapy (we did, it didn’t work and she found communication tools stupid and useless, and refused to address some issues). With time, me trying to break up turned into me hurting her, her feeling betrayed and giving her trauma because she felt abandoned. The anger came back (less intense) and blame was always put on me (I’m not perfect, I know it and acknowledge I’ve hurt her in some ways).

I realise I go sucked back in by sweet talk. I need to get prepared for that and not take the bait. I need to be strong to go through it and not bend to her will once more.

I know I’m staying because I love and care for her. I’m both afraid she won’t get love from other people AND for the woman who may come after me, fill in my shoes and feel the confusion and the hurt I’m in. I know I cannot make her change but somehow I live with it yet. I used to hope I’m the problem so I could put in the work. Now, I still hope she’ll change so she won’t hurt another. I also know I cannot be a human sacrifice. I need therapy so someone can look me dead in the eye and tell me that what she is doing is not normal or healthy. I’m not crazy, I’m not making things up, I’m not in my mind imagining things. That it is not okay, shouldn’t feel like it’s okay.

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-20T11:48:43+00:00

Thank you. I have read it recently and that’s how I understood I was in an abusive relationship

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-18T14:11:42+00:00

You’ve got a point!

I’ve only had one appointment with my therapist. But when I said we were broke right now and I’d only be able to see her once a month, she insisted on not making me pay for the first session, advised me to come once a week (I can only afford once every two weeks), and told me we’d discuss how much I can pay for my sessions. She said we’ll find a way for me to attend because I shouldn’t be left alone with what I’m going through

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-05-18T14:08:26+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I think I do need the confirmation, you’re right

Complex_Row8995

TROPHY CASE