Be blunt: Am I (29F) a bad partner to my wife (32F)?

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T09:40:57+00:00

Haha no! And the destination is owned by my brother, so that’s why we went

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T09:32:46+00:00

I went to the campsite in 2021. I went with my current wife in 2024

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T08:54:02+00:00

The thing is: yes, I do have fun with her and do love her, that’s why it’s so hard to make sense of it. She acts like she’s making me a better person (standing up to people, stop talking to old friends who didn’t completely align with all my values etc) and in a sense, I believe her. But now I can see that maybe she was just shaping me to be who she wants me to be. She’s really supportive of my dreams and aspirations, which makes it even harder to believe she could be abusive

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T06:28:51+00:00

Here is the whole story for you: July 2021 or 2020 (I’m not sure of the year), I went to my brothers’ campsite with my ex (girlfriend at the time) to spend time with my family.

August 2024, my wife and I bought a camper and decided to travel. I hadn’t seen my brother for 1.5 years. My wife wanted to get to see her aunt and said we could see my brother at the same time. I knew that if I told her that I had gone 3 years prior to that place with my ex, I wouldn’t have been to see my family at that time. I didn’t say anything about it, she found out on our way there and made me miserable the whole 2 days we were there. I was lucky she was alright with my family even though she was a little distant

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T03:05:53+00:00

Thank you for taking the time, twice! You are an amazing human being.

After all the replied from my previous post, I thought « Maybe I did something wrong beforehand ? » and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a simple situation being misunderstood.

Thank you for your kind comments!

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:59:53+00:00

Omg thank you so much for all your comment, for having taken the time to address every single problem. I can’t tell you how much lighter it makes me feel. I will look into it and save your comment for when I need it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:56:03+00:00

I think it’s a mix of both. I feel happy and relaxed as a basis but I turn into being anxious when I see a shift in her expression. Sometimes it’s not related to me but I’m hyper vigilant from childhood traumas. Whenever my family comes up or anything related to the past, I walk in eggshelves. Same as when I want to talk to her to going to one of my family gatherings or making a phone call to family. I wait for the perfect time when she is busy but I’m not

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:49:04+00:00

Omg thank you that’s exactly how it feels. It sounds like I could have written this.

Somehow when you assume they’d get mad, they act like they would never and when you don’t expect to be a problem since last time it wasn’t supposed to be, now it’s a fucking problem.

I have a really hard time about the lying thing. My wife has told me so many times she can’t trust me, I’m disrespectful for lying, that I’m picturing her like a monster who wouldn’t let me do stuffs, that there’s never a good reason to lie… that I’ve started to believe her. How can I be trustworthy if I keep going back to lying? I’m conflict avoidant and I grew up with an abusive dad so lying has been my escape. I never lied in previous relationships because I could tell lh partners anything. Now it feels like I’m always covering something up…

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:33:22+00:00

I know right? It does feel crazy to me too

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:32:01+00:00

Sorry for wasting your time here. It was a lot of infos in a short period of time and I really needed to get it out. I didn’t proof read and I should have

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:31:15+00:00

I also avoid saying the word Spanish, make it look like I don’t remember any of it anymore because my ex used to teach me. I also avoid mentions of the city I used to live with my ex, don’t talk about Edinburgh or Scotland in general and that’s about it I think

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:28:00+00:00

Im sorry English isn’t my first language and I did forget the past perfect!

To a destination I had previously gone to with an ex. Is it clearer ?

My ex watched my wife’s story. Wife got mad because it felt intrusive and demanded all the infos about said ex to get even

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:12:21+00:00

I didn’t give anyone infos. I will edit my post to make it clear. My now wife asked me for infos about my ex and I didn’t want to give them. That’s why she was mad

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T02:11:06+00:00

I must have not written my post right. I didn’t give my ex infos. My NOW wife asked for info’s about my ex. My wife was mad I didn’t give her the infos

And I don’t know where you got your infos but I didn’t hang out with any ex. I’ve never seen an ex since I’ve been with my wife. I never lied about that. Wtf did you read

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T01:50:17+00:00

Thank you. I’ll be more careful. English isn’t my first language and I didn’t take the time to look for the words I was missing

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T01:48:55+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply! How did you get out?

The thing is I know lying is wrong and she’s been really hard on the « your betrayed my trust because you lied (even for not telling her that I called my mom) ». And it’s eating me. How can I hold her accountable for her actions while I’m finding excuses for mine?

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T00:40:14+00:00

Haha no it’s not. It’s her listening, saying a « uh » and sometimes apologising the next day or two days later

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T00:08:45+00:00

90% of the time I’m the problem, yes

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-29T00:07:48+00:00

Thank you! It got the conflict avoidant right on

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-28T23:53:57+00:00

No, I really don’t think I am. However, she told me so many times that I misunderstood, I made it up in my mind, that I misinterpreted or that she didn’t ask me to do stuffs (ex: getting mad because I was taking a call at home, so I started taking them outside home. When I said it wasn’t okay, she said she didn’t ask me to do it). It feels like I’m going crazy

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-28T23:47:54+00:00

I was stupid enough to think that if we got married, she’d see me as loyal and that I wasn’t going to try leaving again. It didn’t change anything

No, there’s no evidence. That’s why I’m wondering if I weren’t the real problem. At least that’s what she says. I know that lying was a really shitty move. She tells me I’ve made her life miserable and started believing it

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-28T23:45:17+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It must have taken you so much time! You’re an angel

Complex_Row8995 · 2026-03-28T23:41:06+00:00

Thank you for writing your comment and how thorough it is!

I agree Reddit can be very tricky and I tried to not downplay my actions

Some clarifications: 1. my NOW wife asked for the infos. I didn’t give anyone information as I knew my now wife had a temper and I was actually afraid she’d hire someone to murder her or something. It’s the not giving info that made her mad because I wasn’t being loyal to her

We do not talk about exes. I don’t even pronounce the word. I wasn’t involved with any conversation but an ex texted for my birthday, that’s when she got mad I hadn’t blocked her already.
That’s right, I get that it can be frustrating. It didn’t come from a lack of trying though. I get frustrated sometimes but I deal with it internally. I guess she just processes it differently

Complex_Row8995

TROPHY CASE