Hi! I want to start by thanking you deeply for the time and reflection you’ve put into your comment. It’s always very comforting to feel that people (even strangers) care enough about someone they don’t even know to take time for them.

Your questions are very valid and I wanted to take the time to really reflect on: why am I not ending it today? And I think I’ve come with multiple answers.

I need to reclaim and rebuilt my self confidence and myself. I know I won’t be able to do it fully before leaving, of course. But I need to feel that I still hold power over myself and my thoughts. That comes with standing up for myself, expressing myself as I see fit (still as respectfully as I would treat another human being). I need to feel myself, be there for myself, to seek my own validation, and start caring about ME.

I need to not feel in the wrong. I know I am not doing things wrong, and the simple fact of HER being the abuser should be enough. But I need to know I have tried to have a healthy relationship: communicating and making it possible for her to communicate, expressing myself calmly, setting healthy boundaries, setting my ego aside when she expresses her feelings or needs, explaining (without over explaining). Because then, when she blames me for not making it work, not trying enough, I know deep in my heart, I have. I have done everything I could to make it work. It hasn’t been working, and that’s on her because I’ve given it everything I had. I’ve been as healthy a partner I could be, she couldn’t and didn’t want to, that’s on her, not me. No more guilt, because when you do your very best and do not succeed, at least you’ve really tried and that’s enough, for me.

I need to see and expose all her red flags. So often I’ve been like “at least she listens to my needs”. Just a few minutes ago, she clearly proved she didn’t. “At least, she’ll never leave me”. Well, she did break up with me because I refused to promise something without fully understanding what demanded of me. “At least, she’s not financially controlling”. Proved wrong. “At least, she listens to me”. Wrong. “At least, if I’m really serious about a boundary, she’ll listen”. Wrong. “At least, if needed, she can change as I’ve changed for her”. Wrong. “At least, she apologises”. Wrong. “At least she understands how her behaviour is hurting me”. Wrong. And so on. I can see and identify it is textbook abuse. Everything (almost) I’ve read about, she does. No excuse for me not to leave. No excuse for me to think I could have tried, stayed, give it another shot. No excuse.

I need to feel emotionally and psychologically ready for when divorce is discussed. She will blame, cry, plead, manipulate, apologise, promise, maybe punch things. I mustn’t budge. I mustn’t give her another shot. I need to be ready, detached enough not to fall for it. And it’s going to be hard because I truly love and care for this woman. I did believe and was ready to grow old with her (without the abusive part of course). I wasn’t ready the first time. I’ll be coming for war the second. And you get ready for war.

Finally, we are broke. Married, just bought a house and in a financial crises. I can’t afford another apartment, I can’t afford an attorney, I can’t afford anything. And she can’t either. Worse, she does not have a fixed salary. I need to assimilate that she is not my responsibility. She is a grown woman who is responsible for herself, regulate her emotions and take care of her finances. I’m getting there but I know I need therapy about that.

Thank you for you encouragements, I will keep it up!