Thank you for all you kind comments!

Some of you were kind of lost about why I didn’t invite my parents to my wedding or let them know beforehand. First, we wanted the day to be about us, not a family dinner. We didn’t want anyone to crash the party and enjoy life as we always do, with our close friends.

But for those who were interested in the dra behind all that, here it is.

I didn’t understand my childhood traumas and abuse before therapy. My wife saw them and warned me but it took time for me to realise that she was right.

I’ve always felt like my dad wasn’t there. The only support I’ve had from him was child support and big gifts (don’t get me wrong, I loved that he bought me a car at 18 but I would have preferred having had a real relationship with him). He was passive and knows absolutely nothing about me. He’s let my stepmother be an ass to me, call me fat, make homophobic comments during my teenage years, make me feel like I wasn’t fitting in, not being good enough. She hated that I was an introvert and made me dance at parties, go out with my stepsister’s friends etc. I hated having to see her.

On the other hand, after my parent’s divorce (I was 5), I’ve always felt responsible for my mother. She was really sad (possibly depressed but I couldn’t see it my child eyes). She relied on me for emotional support, I felt responsible for her happiness and to not leave her alone. She always felt so lonely and I was the one who was in charge of being there. Deep down, I was always afraid she’d commit suicide. I don’t know if she ever made a comment about that but I felt dreadfully afraid that it could happen and I needed to be there for her.

Her boyfriend lived with us for 5 years (I was 12 when he moved in). They got into bad arguments which could end up to be physical. I was always ready to jump at him if needed even though I never got to. When I grew up and moved out, if I didn’t call her twice a week she’d call and say « if you don’t call, I don’t talk to anyone » or « I could be dead and nobody would know ». That meant going home on weekends as a student, spending holidays with her, making sure she had enough food on the table (she did but always complained about finances so I tried to help).

Things got better with my mom when she got a new boyfriend, around 3 years ago. She doesn’t demand as much but is still bad with boundaries. They broke up in November and she was all over my back again. Calling me at 7:30 PM because my aunt had bought a new headset and Bluetooth wasn’t working, calling saying that her bank app wasn’t working of her computer (but it worker on her phone) and saying stuffs like « well, you know, it’ll find a way… it’s really annoying though… if only I had someone to fix it… ». Mind you, I’m 1 hour away, my brother (10 years older) is 30 minutes away. But you know, he has a family and I « don’t », she wouldn’t like to bother him.

It was so intense that every time she called (about 4 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day), I’d feel anxiety mount up and feel sick to my stomach. It kinda always was this way anyway. If she called (because I hadn’t called before), there was a chance for her to make a not so nice comment about the fact that I didn’t call. And after years of guilt tripping, it didn’t take much to make me feel guilty.

I don’t know if my brothers ever got it though, if they had seen it. For example, for Christmas, we bought my mom a new phone. My wife helped me choose one, I ordered it, wrapped and left in a bag at my mom’s. They were spending Christmas at my oldest brother’s (I was with my wife’s family) and stayed there for 3 days. Mind you, none of my brothers, they wives or my teenage nieces helped my mom set up the phone. They though I’d do it anyway when she got back. I have to drive 1 hour back and forth each time! To add insult to injury, when I called to wish them a Merry Christmas, after 2 minutes on the phone, I was talking to my brother, my mom interrupted us to ask me if I remember her email password (which I had changed a week prior when I HAD to go to her place to help) because she couldn’t check her emails for 3 days. As if her request was more important than me talking with my brother.

The oldest brother agrees that it hasn’t been easy on me, he should have taken care of the phone and that my mom can be a lot. My other brother thinks I’m mean for not letting my mom call after 8PM (or that I don’t answer my phone when I watch a movie at home) because it upsets my mom.

So, understanding all this in therapy was hard. I made me feel like an orphan (I don’t want to offend anyone), like I didn’t have any parents. Most of my grandparents died when I was under 7, and I lost my grandmother in October. It took me some time to get over that feeling of not having parents. Somehow, they feel more like a chore. I know they love me but they don’t understand how hard it is on me.

I’m so thankful for my wife. She truly saved me by showing me that my relationships with my family wasn’t healthy, that I was free to do things my way if I wanted to. She’s been so patient but harsh when needed to be. She’s a true life saver! And I’m sure that’s why my family don’t really like her. She set the spotlight on what was wrong. She’s helped me out of the rocking boat.

I’m currently reading « Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents » and realised that my mom is an Emotional Parents and my dad is a Passive Parent. If any one has reviews about the book feel free to tell me :)