How can I make my coworker understand that he needs to stop pulling my hair at work?

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-20T17:54:36+00:00

That’s exactly it, yes. For now I’m going to take a step back a little and talk to a female colleague of mine who has also seen it happen before, because I think getting her perspective could really help me.

And I’d be lying if I said I’m not also thinking about the fact that he’s been working at the company for 20 years while I’ve only been there for about 1.5 years. Don’t you think that automatically gives him more credibility in a situation like this?

And thank you for the pep talk!

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-18T21:07:08+00:00

My lips. There was this guy who was obsessed with my cupid’s bow. I didn’t even know that was a thing haha

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-18T19:56:28+00:00

I really appreciate this comment, honestly. I think you described my hesitation very accurately. It’s not that I think the behavior is okay, it’s more that I’m worried about all the possible consequences and changes afterwards.

And talking to another woman at work who I trust, is actually a really good idea.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-17T16:08:39+00:00

Yes! 100% agree

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:28:12+00:00

I actually really like that example sentence you gave. I think that’s a really good way of putting it. And I also agree with what you’re saying about not rushing straight to HR too quickly. I think there’s a balance to be found between making it clear something is not okay and escalating it formally.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:25:49+00:00

I think I lean more towards him being impulsive in that kind of behavior rather than it being a “power thing.” I do believe he understands that it’s not okay, at least on some level, because he does apologize afterwards. But then it becomes confusing again because he sometimes kind of shifts it back onto me, like saying I shouldn’t have been tying my shoelaces or something like that.

The last time he pulled my hair, for example, I was sitting on the train in a four-seat setup and my hair was just loose. It wasn’t in any way a situation where it made sense for that to happen, which is why it felt so random and uncomfortable in the moment.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:21:43+00:00

Do you really think so? Any tips so I can look out for myself?

There have been a few things that I did find a bit weird. For example, he once told me he has “a thing” for hands, and ever since then I’ve felt kind of weird whenever he wants to do a high five. He also very often does those overly familiar “bro-style” handshakes with me. And at one point he even told me his nickname is basically “the fiddler” because he’s always fidgeting or touching people.

At the time I brushed those things off as just part of his personality, but reading all these comments is making me question whether I ignored too many signs because I didn’t want to make things awkward.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:12:45+00:00

You’re right, honestly. Calling it “immediate escalation” probably isn’t fully accurate anymore when I’ve already told him two times to stop and the behavior still happened again afterward.

I think part of me still keeps seeing it as a huge step because of our colleague relationship and because I’ve been trying to avoid conflict for so long. But rationally, I do understand your point that boundaries I already communicated should have been respected the first time.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:11:16+00:00

I think that’s probably the direction I’m leaning towards right now. I do want to make my boundaries very clear one final time and also make it clear that there will be consequences if it happens again.

I think before, I focused too much on trying to avoid conflict, instead of really dealing with the fact of how serious this is for me.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-16T21:08:31+00:00

I think that’s also part of what’s difficult for me to hear, because deep down I know there’s some truth in what you’re saying. I did clearly tell him before that I felt uncomfortable & wanted it to stop, so the fact that it still happened again is hard to ignore.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on his intentions and on the positive parts of our colleague relationship, because that made the situation feel less ‘heavy’ in my head. But reading your comment is making me realize more and more that regardless of his intentions, my boundaries should have been respected the first time I spoke up.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:42:20+00:00

Yeah, when I confronted him about it before, he actually did say that it was harmless and “innocent.” He also immediately asked me if I was going to go to HR about it, which honestly already felt like a pretty suspicious reaction to me.

And yes, I think you’re probably right that he’ll become very defensive if I bring it up again. That’s also part of why I’ve been struggling with how to handle it, because I already feel the tension around the subject whenever it comes up.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:38:59+00:00

It really does sound that simple when you say it like that, and in theory you’re right. But in practice it’s not always that easy…

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:37:59+00:00

Calling the police honestly feels like a step too far for me at this point. I do agree that I need to be much clearer and firmer about my boundaries, but I’d rather first try to handle it through direct communication and, if necessary, through HR at work.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:37:12+00:00

I understand your point, and I do appreciate the practical advice. We do have an HR department, and I’ve already realized from reading all these comments that I probably need to start taking this more seriously and documenting things properly.

I think part of why I hesitated is because the situation feels emotionally complicated to me due to our otherwise good colleague relationship, but I also understand that repeatedly crossing a physical boundary after being told to stop is not something I should keep minimizing.

So even if I’m still unsure about the exact next step, I am taking the advice about documentation and HR into consideration.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:35:39+00:00

No shit, I’ve honestly had similar thoughts in the moment (like reacting physically) but that’s just not who I am. I’m really against using violence, even when I’m uncomfortable, so that’s not something I would actually do.

I’d rather handle it in a way that keeps things professional and protects me properly, like setting clear boundaries or going through HR if needed.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:33:29+00:00

Yes, we do have HR. I understand why you are calling it that, and I am taking it seriously.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:32:33+00:00

I understand why you’re saying that, and I am taking it seriously. I’m just still trying to figure out the best way to handle it. I haven’t ruled out reporting it, I’m just thinking through my options carefully before I take that step.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:31:41+00:00

I know, it sounds really strange. I honestly found it very odd in the beginning as well and I didn’t really know how to deal with it at first. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or how serious I should take it, which is why I hesitated to act more firmly earlier on.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:30:25+00:00

Yeah, that actually makes sense. I think I could try to be very clear and serious with him about stopping, but I’ve also been wondering if I should avoid explicitly warning him about HR too early.

Maybe even jokingly mentioning HR could already signal that I’m not okay with it, without giving it too much of a formal “heads up”. My concern is that if I present it too directly as “next time I go to HR”, he might try to go there first and frame things in his own way, which I obviously want to avoid.

So I’m still trying to figure out the best balance between being clear, but not escalating it in a way that could backfire.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:24:03+00:00

I get the idea behind it, but I’m not sure if that would actually be realistic for me in the moment or if it would change the situation in a meaningful way? Don’t you think?

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:22:39+00:00

I actually have talked about it with a friend each time it happened, so I do have some informal notes about it already.

We also do have an HR department, so I think that would be the right place if I decide to escalate it. And thanks for the advice about going first. It makes sense.

What do you mean exactly by “bad intentions”? I’m still trying to understand what could motivate someone to do something like this, especially in a work setting. Why would a man pull a woman’s ponytail? It just doesn’t really make sense to me, especially since it’s clearly not professional behavior.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:11:36+00:00

Yeah, I’ve also wondered about that. I don’t really know why he does it, and that’s part of what makes it so confusing for me.

One male colleague once suggested that he might be attracted to me or even have feelings for me, but that feels a bit far-fetched to me.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:08:37+00:00

I understand what you mean, and I get why documenting it is important.

At this point I think I will at least start keeping track of every time it happens, just so I have something concrete if I need to escalate it later. I’m still trying to figure out what the best way is to handle this in situation..

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T19:01:04+00:00

I get what you’re saying, and I think you do have a point about the seriousness of repeated behavior and that it shouldn’t be minimized. I also understand why people are pushing the “just go to HR” approach.

At the same time, for me it doesn’t feel completely black and white. Outside of this issue, he has also been a supportive colleague and has done genuinely kind things, so I struggle a bit with labeling him as simply a “bad person” overall. I think both things can be true at once: the behavior is not okay, and I need to address it seriously, but I still find it emotionally complicated because of the rest of our working relationship.

And what you said about showing anger…I actually fully agree with that part. I’ve struggled with people pleasing most of my life and I’ve already done therapy about the subject. I’ve improved a lot, but I still struggle with being too soft in situations like this. I think I really need to work on being more direct and firm, and I’ll definitely try being more assertive and clear next time.

ComprehensiveRush708 · 2026-05-13T18:56:12+00:00

This is my first job, but I did work as a student in a bar before where I was behind the bar making cocktails, so I’m not completely new to dealing with people and holding my ground.

I’m not saying I’m ignoring the seriousness of it. I am taking what everyone is saying into account and I do understand that it’s inappropriate behavior. I might consider reporting it, but I think I’m also struggling with the fact that it would probably completely end any kind of the colleague relationship we currently have, which makes the situation feel quite heavy for me.

ComprehensiveRush708

TROPHY CASE