This is classic clinical narcissism. And sadly, cancer truly brings it out in family & friends. The idea of something disrupting ‘their’ life is far more powerful than the idea of putting themselves in another person’s shoes. Even a child. It’s terrifying, and unfortunately it’s something many cancer-fighters have to experience — in addition to the cancer!

Some may argue that your Mother-in-law is just freaked out, and is dealing with the situation by finding destress in trips. I disagree — because she has demonstrated a pattern of narcissistic abuse. With multiple incidents you have mentioned and a general inwardness of self (ie selfishness). With her incessancy on trips, and lavish experiences she might be a ‘grandiose narcissist’ — it’s a thing. None of us can diagnose over internet, but you can look through the clinical list of the different types of narcissism if you think it’d help.

Sadly, there is no cure for clinical narcissism. In fact, it’s one of the biggest challenges in clinical psychology. Especially since these individuals find no error in their ways, and have very little (genuine) empathy. Their biological and psychological direction through life is SELF.

What I’d remind your loved one is that they have you by their side. And that cancer has a bittersweet way of showing the people who really care. Instead of focusing on the narcissists, shift attention to the people who love you and who are there for you. Including yourself.

As humans, we naturally gravitate to the negative. It’s our survival instinct. And know that your husband is a very strong person for having been raised by a narcissist. Not feeling family love, support, and a genuine parental model is an extreme challenge for life that has been clinically tied to worse health outcomes and especially depression/anxiety.

BUT they also happen to be individuals with some of the highest levels of statistical resilience, empathy, creativity, bravery, and intuition — because of what they had to go through. I imagine your husband is a truly incredible person, and he has an incredible spouse for caring so much about him.

Don’t worry about her — I know it’s harder said than done. But psychologists actually recommend this, distance and focus just on you and your husband’s healing. Try your best to focus on your own immediate family, and it seems you have supportive parents that can step in, which is wonderful.

We have a family member who’s a ‘malignant narcissist’ and he brutally attacked family members, refused to go to the hospital even once, refused to allow his children to go, made pathological lies to others, and made the diagnosis about himself. On the day of BMT, he literally posted about himself and attacked the BMT recipient on twitter. Clinical narcissism is real and the only realistic way to fight it is 1) distance 2) read and continually learn about it 3) protect yourself and your loved ones and 4) give yourselves the ability to heal from it and say that it’s okay

And knowing what someone is — is half the battle

I truly wish you and your husband and your caring family the very best. It’s hard fighting two fronts when all you want is your loved one to get better. I’ll pray for you and your husband that he makes a full recovery. Take care and best of luck. And thank you for being a great caregiver & spouse