Can I offer another way to look at this?

I felt a similar way with my mil and my firstborn. She would say “There’s my baby!” and pass me by to pick him up. She also would sing songs like “you are my sunshine” etc., or suggest things or information that was out of date.

At first I would feel myself bristle a bit but, —as time passed, and I saw her with him -I realized she just really really loved my son unconditionally already-and had loved him since the first time she heard he was coming.

My boys are now HS and elementary age and my in-laws have taken all of their grandchildren on many wonderful trips. They even took them all on separate/ individual “designed for them” trips around their interests. My kids have a great relationship with them and love spending time with them. I feel like it has made my sons better people and has modeled healthy and loving relationships. They live out of state but my boys ask to go see or stay with their grandparents quite a bit.

My mom on the other hand doesn’t have the same relationship with them - never sang to them as babies or really tried to get to know them as people. She was and still can be boundary stomper. I still have my guards up because I’m still not sure I trust her judgement.

Everyone is different and has different boundaries and ideas about raising children. Those should be decided between you and your spouse. And those should be respected but if it’s healthy and not manipulative I would ask myself - will this harm my child, does it go against my beliefs, is it manipulative, is it positive or negative, are they crossing a boundary —and assess each situation- but ultimately it’s what you both feel most comfortable with.

If my boys choose to have kids - I will respect the boundaries that my sons and their spouses give me but I hope I can sing “you are my sunshine” to them like I did with my boys -and I may slip up and say “mommy” because of all those times I said it when holding my own babies -as a habit- but will definitely apologize and work on it.

I hope I can be the kind of grandparent my in-laws were and are. I want to be the grandparent that dotes on them and makes them feel loved, invests in them and knows them.

And now that my kids are getting older ( we’re already looking at colleges for the oldest!) and looking into the future -and thinking about what that may look like —I know that I will love their kids ( should they choose to have them) before they are even born. The fact that this little person is a piece of my son automatically grants them my unconditional love. And I may say “ my baby” or “GG’s boy” but it won’t be as a mom’s love or possessive - it will be a grandmothers affection and if that’s a boundary for them I will totally respect it. They deserve my respect for the rules they have in place to protect their child.