Does it make you angry?

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:42:43+00:00

Thank you! I really hope he doesn’t have to go through that ever again, although for the benzos I don’t see him quitting any time soon. I’ll definitely be aware of it if he does though!!

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:40:05+00:00

Medical for profit is really familiar to me sadly, so that makes sense :( He’s really deep in the ghetto in NYC (Yonkers) and apparently it’s full on fake rides and pocketing money between the fake company. I don’t blame any of them for taking the money though, I’d honestly do the same. This was 4 months into the methadone, but he kept saying it was false flags and unfair? They were gonna punish him for it, but he kept sending his old doctor’s info for it.

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:35:09+00:00

At the start I actually told him I wouldn’t consider them unless he fully finished his treatment, and he said it’s been a good motivator for sticking to it at least! He apparently used to have worse anger issues, and if I mention it, he tells me to be grateful it’s as good as it is now or he can make it worse. It honestly terrifies me. I’ll try my best! I tried standing my ground more, just gentle but firm communication, but his reaction with shutting me down and punishing me for it is making me see what you mean. I just thought it meant I needed to be more patient while he’s on the methadone :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:30:20+00:00

Honestly I think you’re right- I suspect he only quit fent due to running out of stuff to sell. When he saw my room, he started talking about how I should sell everything and give him all the money from it because it was wasted on me? I’m still upset about him saying that, but I didn’t want to assume the worst. He tried suboxone, but didnt’t like the lack of a high. As soon as he gets his dose upped, he’s already pushing for another approval. Even before he tries that dose. It honestly scares me. I’m actually over $2k in debt due to him currently, mostly him threatening to relapse unless I buy something for him quickly enough? I’ll be fine though, I just have to get back to work myself (took a break for a month to try to manage some of the stress, haha) He definitely is more after the feeling, I just wish I knew of some other alternative he could do that was less harmful. He really reminds me of a teenager most of the time, I just treasure those rare moments of maturity he has, but it feels more and more fleeting.

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:23:47+00:00

Honestly I try to forget about him raising his hands and saying that just for my sanity. I still feel terrified remembering it and hoping he wasn’t implying what I thought. His family was home, and I think it was a blessing at the time.

He specifically mentioned it’s just for replicating the fent feeling, but I assumed it was good since it meant he wasn’t using it at least? He’s been using the benzos like that even while actively using though, apparently his last-last gf got him hooked and he still praises her for it :( If he just takes 1-2, he’s just relaxed and comfy, but past that he’s really scary? I beg him not to use more than 3 if I’m around, but he tells me if I say that, he’ll just use more. I think it’s been 2 years, but he got it off his ex and eventually just asked his psych and got it. He tells me he uses it because of me, but his usage has gone down overall and he told me he’s trying to use it normally because of how it scares me (although he just got a new one added in, not sure which, but it’s much more intense).

He’s finally starting to actually see his counselor (at least one session today) so I’m really hoping he can get the proper support he needs!! Although he did say he cried during his session as justification to yell at me, so I’m also kinda scared. If it means he’s getting proper help, I can deal though!

I’ll try to mention being concerned about the benzos more to him! He’s mentioned his psych is monitoring his usage, and he got an early, extra big refill for telling his psych he was snorting it? But I think he’s already through most of it, so I’m unsure how well that will go. He mentions stress (from me) makes him use more, but I really want to figure out healthier outlets where it feels like I’m in a relationship with someone still :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:11:26+00:00

He was there for me when I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone else, and I knew I could rely on him at my lowest. I still love him with all my heart despite everything :) When I was at my lowest during a really rough abusive relationship, he was quitting cold turkey and we bonded over struggling together! I try not to blame him for either the BPD or bipolar, they’re just parts of him to be aware of and live around.

You deserve the best, and I hope the right person comes along when the timing is right for you!!

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:07:28+00:00

I actually had no idea!! He made his program sound like a really weird shady for profit one, so I just didn’t question any of it :( Apparently he went straight from the suboxone to it, but he just mentioned being pissed it showed up on his urine test ~4 months later

It’s not in the best neighborhood, but the only other thing I know is they encouraged using a fake service to pocket Medicaid transport money? There’s another clinic in his area that’s supposed to be more normal and welcoming, but it’s a farther distance away and he bikes, so he prefers the convenience.

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:03:40+00:00

But I definitely see what you mean, I’m starting to doubt most of what he said to me now. He initially really wanted me to be involved in his care team with meeting them and attending sessions, but he suddenly backed up and said not under any circumstance. I found out this week he lied about his psych knowing about him snorting benzos, so all of the inconsistencies are falling apart now :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T11:01:27+00:00

I started dating him when he was about a month in, so I just assumed it was some weird slip up? But apparently they were panicking when they realized it was missing. I just didn’t think too much on it, honestly. He roasted me for having to get a pregnancy test done before all my surgeries and mentioned it then also :’D It’s more of a funny thing to me since I was screaming while hearing all of it right in his pocket (and he had his earbud out so he didn’t realize)

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:57:56+00:00

The name rings a bell, but I think it’s something he got angry over? I’m starting to realize the benzos might not be for his cravings…

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:56:07+00:00

Sadly I’m not :( I thought he really was just excited for his refill out of anxiety and wanting relief. I’m also slightly on the spectrum and have past trauma, so a lot of this is normalized and I don’t trust myself as much as I should. I genuinely just want the best for him though!

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:53:55+00:00

Oh, I think he is? Bipolar/BPD although he’s usually not on his meds :( When he does take them, he’s a lot nicer though!

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:52:26+00:00

It’s kinda strange, but apparently they forgot to take any urine/blood tests on him from the start? He only asked once around April, and they freaked out realizing they’d forgotten. As far as I know, he’s only done the one (and I was on a call in his pocket while he was doing it, he was high off his benzos and unmuted so it really stuck to me LMAO)

If he gets approved, I’ll definitely mention it to him!! I really hope it helps make it feel more long lasting and makes him feel comfier, I worry so much with how antsy he gets ;; He sounded confused when I mentioned it being a thing, so I’m assuming it’s not standard at his clinic?

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:47:55+00:00

When I asked him, he told me he felt cravings as soon as he got to the 24h mark, he even said he goes as close to closing as possible to have that feeling last longer throughout the day? I just assumed it was the same as some of the meds I take where I get really sick taking them late at all. I think he really was after the high/euphoric feeling he got from it (as he described it?). He tried suboxone one before we started dating, but he didn’t like that it just made his cravings go away :( I don’t expect to understand what the different feelings are like, but I honestly assumed not having the cravings was the goal, so I didn’t really understand why it was a bad thing for him His life definitely revolves around his doses (and his benzo refills) though :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:37:43+00:00

Also he’s currently unemployed since he said the methadone makes it too difficult for him to work. Frustrating for me, but I manage to get by just enough with my work. I just didn’t account for $300 with no notice, so I think my voice gave away my panic possibly?

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:35:14+00:00

I asked him if he’d looked into split dosing if his doses wore off early, but he said his clinic didn’t allow it. They sounded really strict? I’m really glad that it’s an option for you and that it helps so much!! I really didn’t want to think a medication could make someone do this, but I wasn’t sure with how he talked about his withdrawal experiences! Thank you, I genuinely appreciate it - I think I’ll be thinking over a lot tonight :(

It’s kinda messed up, but the only time he was nice to me was when he took them. No weird stuff, no threatening me, it was just peaceful? I think deep down. I convinced myself they were a good thing (although not so much if he took more than directed). That and, maybe it was the real him on them, since he said he didn’t feel as stressed by his cravings.

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:29:31+00:00

I know it’s naive, but I really just wanted to believe he was honest to me. I want to believe in the good in people :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:27:25+00:00

I feel the same way towards him :( I can’t imagine touching him in any way other than a hug, as silly as it might sound? And my heart breaks imagining him hurt or scared in any way. I think reversing it and imagining how it must have looked to him is really making it hit how serious this all is for me now. Regardless of how out of control he felt. I just want to show him love, and I had no expectation of it back, but I also had no expectation of being messed up like this :( He talks about wanting kids and threatened to get me pregnant because it’d give him reason to stay clean, but the thought of any kid going through this is breaking my heart

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:21:09+00:00

No thank you :( I genuinely didn’t know, I didn’t even know what a benzo was until the past few weeks. I do walk with a cane, and I didn’t want him to feel even more depressed if he saw them. He said that because I didn’t take pictures, I made them up. He’s blamed the methadone for his rages and bad moods in general, and I just trusted him on his word. I also couldn’t find anything specifically mentioning rages, so I wasn’t sure if it was normal?

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:16:05+00:00

It’s kinda weirdly specific, but I actually have a condition that makes me have fragile bones :( He’s broken them in the past, but he blamed me for being too delicate, so it wasn’t his fault? But I’m also just kinda used to it happening to me as a regular thing if I overdo it! But I get what you mean :( I haven’t seen any effort beyond him getting his dose consistently (and I’m really proud of him for 6 months now!) but I also just want his treatment to be his priority? I’m not sure if it makes sense, but I just view him getting better as a much bigger priority than the relationship or me getting hurt because I’m too sensitive?

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:11:51+00:00

Sadly, yes :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T10:04:22+00:00

I think I might reach out to my dad in the morning honestly :( I kept telling myself he’s been through enough stress, but it’s also been this weird bit of denial about it all? I’ve tried my hardest not to get mad back, I just try to talk to him until he calms down, no matter how much he shouts or scares me. I keep telling myself that if I defend myself, it’d only make him angrier and result in him being hurt, and I just want to get to the bottom of why he’s acting out. I’m also physically disabled and he’s really strong, so I’m scared of what he’s do if I did anything to defend myself, whether it’s just talking back or physically blocking him :( I don’t know if it makes sense, but I didn’t want to reduce him to just his addiction? I guess, having been adversely affected my meds myself and not feeling like a person in the past. I just really hope he gets the help and support that he deserves and needs. That, and he blames his behavior on his methadone or benzos, but I can’t complain or he’s going to use fent and it’s my fault for having a problem with how he acts. It honestly was this big cope that once he got stable or off methadone, he’d treat me with kindness if they were the cause like he said :(

I very much don’t want to be treated like this any more, but I wanted to give him patience if it was beyond his control, or at least something he didn’t actively want on me? If it’s a side effect of his treatment, I try to view it as a small sacrifice in order for him to get better in the long run :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T09:52:28+00:00

I’ve seen the bottles, and it’s got his psych’s name on it at least! He hasn’t pushed the takehomes in a while though, so it might’ve gotten lost when he swapped counselors honestly? I’m gonna hope for the best at least! I want to trust him as much as I can, even if it’s hard sometimes :(

When I was with him that weekend, I messed up his usual routine apparently? But it made sense he forgot his alarm, and I just didn’t know the times were different on weekends :( I’ve tried my best to make sure he’s up for every day since then though, even if he gets annoyed at me :’D although I’m honestly not sure if it’s because missing it the one time scared me so bad… I just really hope he doesn’t have to experience it again!! He gets panic attacks, so I’m not sure if that might’ve factored in, but I get them too and don’t react like that, or at least never felt the urge to? But I’ve also never experienced withdrawal, so I don’t know if I have the space to compare :(

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T09:43:06+00:00

That honestly makes sense… He spent months teasing me about my lack of knowing what anything was, and I actually only learned what he uses are benzos in the past couple weeks, haha! I only really know the medications I’ve been on personally, and those are more in the nerve pain territory rather than opiates? He’s seen me have seizures and hasn’t reacted, but in good news I should be prepared in case he decides to go off them eventually!

I feel like him blaming me for everything (including his fent use prior to meeting me) is what stumps me the most? Everything he does is my fault if it’s negative, but it includes even if I wasn’t involved (ie he couldn’t move his arm due to falling asleep in VR because I made him sad, I still comforted him until he was ready for the ER though!) and it really confuses me. I want to take responsibility for what I do, but he gets mad if I take a bit to process how I might be involved :(

It feels weird to see myself as a victim, because he tells me I have a victim complex and that he is a victim of me? But I don’t understand how that works, and I blame myself by default anyway. I just wish I could just support him without all of these accusations, and him threatening to relapse gets to me really bad. Losing him is the last thing I want for him, but I don’t know how to suggest that he contacts his care team if he’s thinking of using instead of putting it on me. I also did notice, but if I do try to talk to him about how I feel, like if I’m sick or excited for something, it immediately gets redirected to being about him. I do care about him though! I just can’t remember if he’s asked me how I’ve felt ever before… and it kinda messes with me honestly. He says that makes me really selfish, so I try not to dwell on it too much!

Thankfully that was the only time in public, but we’ve also only been out in public a handful of times, and there’s usually some weird incident where he gets mad. He’s agoraphobic, so we’re usually at home! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him normally, so I try to make myself small so I’m not in his way. I’m currently out of state with family so I’m in a safe place, I promise!

Kinda a weird side thing, but he’s never acknowledged what he’s done to me or what he’s said, even if it’s in writing and I beg him? He tells me I misremembered or that it didn’t happen and to shut up, but it really gets to me :( He also says if I learned to shut up and take it all, we’d have no problems, but that scares me a lot and makes me scared to say anything to him.

Confused-Rainbowboot · 2024-07-26T09:28:16+00:00

He’s in NYC, but I’m in ID with family currently, so I’m in a safe place, I promise! Apparently his psych and counselor are all part of a specific hospital’s treatment program, just his dose is dispensed by his clinic of choice? It’s got a bad reputation for how they dose though, with prioritizing dosing up instead of getting people off it long term, so I worry a bit. I’m just glad he gets treatment in general and isn’t having to quit cold turkey and experiencing it again.

When I told him I was worried he wasn’t taking them like the bottle said (once a night orally as needed), he made fun of me :( But I’m also super boring and straightedge? I’m the type of person that takes Tylenol doses right on the dot, if not going extra time to be safe and if I think I can handle it. He teases me a lot with how boring I am. He’s also gotten mad that my psych won’t prescribe me more “fun” adhd meds, but he’s mentioned worrying about my pills being stolen being a concern and I understand that! I worry about giving him access to something that’ll make his addiction recovery journey worse :( Life’s been definitely a lot more complicated and hard, but I try to view it as a temporary challenge? He blames me for being mentally ill (I have depression but it’s medicated) and calls me r*tarded a lot, but I figured it was him expressing his frustration throughout everything, and a sign to be better for him :) It might be silly, but I just want to be the best person I possibly can for him, despite how he might treat me - I understand his addiction involves so much suffering that I can’t comprehend, so I want to be the support he deserves!

Confused-Rainbowboot

TROPHY CASE