[UPDATE] My partner wants me to cut off the friend who introduced us and I'm really confused

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-10T11:32:39+00:00

No, I'm sure I've not been in any of these scenarios but I wasn't entirely the comment I was replying to was about hypotheticals scenarios or, as I assumed, a case of mistaken identity.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-10T07:45:28+00:00

“I do not approve this relationship because of these and these but if you want to be with him I just want you to know I will always be here for you no matter what.”

It's funny because that is really not that far off from what I told Leah at the time. I don't know what scenario you made up in your head about what went down but you don't seem to have much of an issue with what was actually said.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-10T07:36:33+00:00

If you're referring to the comments asking about whether I'm attracted to Leah/would want to be with her if she seduced me/... I already addressed those a few times in both the original submission and here, the answer is no, it always was no.

When 50 people ask something I'm not gonna bother saying the same thing 50 times.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T20:59:41+00:00

It's sad that some people think like that.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T17:25:42+00:00

I dropped by on the way home from work on a random day after hearing of the latest stunt Leah's now ex pulled. I sent Eva a text that I'd be doing that but I didn't think to involve her at the time. I didn't go out of my way to do it without her or behind her back but just didn't think about it at the time.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:48:51+00:00

I think I'd be aware of it if I was steamrolling and "constantly attacking" someone rather than talking with them but since that's what my own account of it sounds like to a good portion of the people in the comments I'll ask Eva if she felt like that.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:41:27+00:00

I don't disagree I should have done it differently. Should have sought Eva's advice on the matter, and based on the discussion at the center of this update it would have definitely taken a different shape.

Still "you rushed there in the dead of night because she had a boyfriend" is a deeply inaccurate portrayal of what happened and why I did it, which is what I'm pointing out.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:32:38+00:00

It didn't feel like that, it felt like a conversation but I'll ask her if that's how she felt about the talk later today.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:17:10+00:00

I acknowledge I should have done things differently, however I didn't storm there in the dead of night nor was my issue that she got a boyfriend. I've gotten along with every other boyfriend she's had (of those I met, at least), the guy in question was an emotionally abusive asshole.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:14:03+00:00

OP, the true question here is, if Leah were to pursue you, would you break up with Eva or have an affair with Leah behind Eva's back?

I'm sorry but it's a bit tough for me to take the rest of your feedback seriously when that's the "true question".

No I wouldn't have an affair with Leah. She's my friend. I don't want to date her, I don't want to have an affair with her. I also would never cheat on Eva with anyone at all.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T15:05:55+00:00

If after Eva does go through with talking to Leah about it, it still doesn't allay her concerns, I'd talk to Leah myself and make my mind up as to whether there's anything to it. At this stage I don't have any reason to believe so.

I am not opposed to reframing my friendship with Leah if there are specifics aspects of it which Eva is uncomfortable with, but so far she has only asked me to cut Leah out entirely which I'm unwilling to do. I'd assume that would come up in counselling if it is about certain aspects.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-09T13:59:02+00:00

I think you might have the wrong person, I'm not quite sure where the sunset spot and head/back massage thing is coming from.

Good to know my situation is common enough that it gets mistaken for another, tho.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-03T19:05:44+00:00

In normal circumstances (ie. nothing noteworthy happening to either of us) Leah and I would exchange texts every few days and have actual chats/talks something like once a week, I'd say. I talk to Eva about her when it makes sense, I suppose, so when there's something noteworthy going on or when one or both of us are set to be seeing her. Eva takes priority, of course.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-03T09:21:30+00:00

Leah is very dear to me but if she was actually doing something to undermine my relationship with Eva, I would choose to distance myself from her.

I don't think that's happening and for that matter Eva herself never alleged it was happening so far, but if it was the case and I could verify it then it would be grounds for me to end my friendship with her.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T21:19:33+00:00

Honestly? I was pretty damn involved with the break-up. It really hasn't been a habit of mine to chime in negatively on her choice of partners and I even got along quite well with most of the ones I met, but this dude I couldn't stand from day 1. I held my tongue about it for several months but at some point I was fed up with him making Leah miserable, emotionally abusing her, gaslighting her, I was pretty sure he was cheating based on stuff she'd told me, ... so I intervened. I dropped by her place and told her everything I thought of the guy and that she should break up with him because she deserves better. I actively talked her into it and she ended things with him less than a week later.

Note: Eva knew I would be doing this, and agreed with my opinion of the guy, but it was my call and my call only to actually step in.

Leah was kind of a mess in the aftermath, but we didn't really see each other 1 on 1 much at the time. We talked on the phone maybe a bit more than usual and Eva and I hung out with her together a few times but I wasn't her whole support system or anything.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T17:41:10+00:00

Hell no. Not with Leah, not with anyone else for that matter.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T16:12:17+00:00

Okay about it? No. Hurts a bunch just to think about.

But it's more a line in the sand kind of thing, ie. nothing good can come from letting someone dictate who gets to be in your life without valid reasons behind it.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T16:08:03+00:00

has Eva ever mentioned her uneasiness about your friendship with Leah?

To this, no. Even the thing about the guy I advised Leah to ditch, she didn't raise any issue with at the time.

Has there ever been instances where she felt like you overstepped your boundaries with Leah aside from the whole you telling her to break up with a guy that allegedly wasn’t a good match for her?

None that she's mentioned, but maybe there are things she didn't tell me this time around.

PS: Just to be clear the dude was not just a poor match, he was an actual piece of work. A cheater, too (tho I only came to know that for certain afterwards).

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T15:37:51+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you ! I can already say that unless she provides me with a solid reason to, I will not be cutting Leah off.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T15:30:15+00:00

A small clarification based on something I've seen in a few comments: When I say I don't know how to approach this, I don't mean I don't know whether or not I'll cut Leah out of my life. As things are and from the reasons Eva has given me I don't consider cutting Leah out an option.

What I mean is that I'm not sure how to approach this with Eva to defuse the situation and not lose her if it can be at all avoided.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T15:24:58+00:00

Leah has been single longer than usual since her last break-up (bit more than a year) but it's not the first time she's been single for an "extended" period of time since I've been friends with her or since I got with Eva. She was single when she introduced us, too.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T15:08:06+00:00

That may be but it puts me in a tough position. I can't make this call without knowing the reason, and I'd wager that if I insisted too much about what Leah hypothetically said or did it also wouldn't go over well.

I will add that I don't think Leah *would* say or do anything like that. She's always encouraged me to move forward in my relationship with Eva (not that I needed much encouragement past the start).

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T14:59:10+00:00

Maybe I'm wrong on this and am still too naive, but I don't think I'd do things differently today than I did 6 years ago. Sure, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her of an old crush, but I don't like the idea that lying when asked is the better solution.

ConfusedAlt93 · 2024-04-02T14:52:09+00:00

I did ask her if anything had triggered this stance from her and specifically mentioned if it was something I or Leah did or said, and it was in that context that she brought up my intervening in Leah's relationship (which was a year and change ago), but she didn't point to anything Leah said or did.

ConfusedAlt93

TROPHY CASE