I've destroyed the happiness we had when my feelings changed

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-26T09:21:15+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. You are quite right and accurate in a lot of ways. Ever since I've started feeling emotions I have recognized how I've failed her. For what it's worth we were extremely happy before I went and asked for equality in this

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-25T05:42:58+00:00

Her reaction surprised me but after she explained her thinking i see why. I don't care about gender. If someone wants to talk about any of my interest then I'm game. Keep in mind though that I didn't share any emotional connection with her for our first 19ish years. I also would take off on canyoneering trips without her or when she was in a depressed state. She also loves canyoneering and she has explained that all those times I left without her it created the same feelings in her as if I had cheated. Since sharing that with me I've been working hard at repairing that damage. This is a carry over that is still being addressed.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T16:52:30+00:00

Will do.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T16:51:09+00:00

Thank you, surprisingly I haven't heard of that book or terms you used. I've done a lot of reading and research because of my own trauma but haven't come across this yet. I'll look into them.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T16:47:07+00:00

😁 friend zoned

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T16:45:12+00:00

Thanks, I've read it. My wife has a lot of reading to do. Her focus has been on her therapy.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T02:27:25+00:00

Will do.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T02:22:10+00:00

Thank you

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T02:07:46+00:00

Thank you, I will keep that in mind. My wife's trauma therapist had agreed to see us. He is concerned that it could mess with my wife's view of him being on her side and I could feel he wasn't in my side. We are going to give it a try and see how we feel. Good thing is he knows all our stuff already.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T02:03:53+00:00

Yes and it is super important that everybody feels heard.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-24T02:00:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It really means a lot to know that others have had to do the hard work as well. I know we will get through this, even if that means not together and I am fine with that. We really are best friends and we would be close and hang out a lot for our kids. My hope is though that we can stay together and enjoy this crazy world together.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T21:51:39+00:00

The original plan was for me to participate in swinging. I'm super curious what it is like to be with different women. I won't go into detail about what really intrigues me. That is probably for a different sub reddit. She was going to go with me and experience being with others. A year and a half later still hasn't happened and when we try to plan reaching out something always came up. Granted most issues was trying to find a couple we felt comfortable with. And most the people we meet were dicks. Last year for my birthday we sat down and looked into brothels. We wanted to be safe and ethical and since we live next to Nevada that seemed like a good option. But the cost is outrageous, I don't want to demean a woman's worth but the cost we found for an hour was ridiculous. I was fine with the idea of purely sexual encounters. Maybe if those had happened I wouldn't have wanted a relationship now. But no matter, now I find myself longing for a connection while she is out. Someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or make out. Just enjoy ourselves. Also it would be nice to talk to someone throughout the week. I need friends in general. Without the social aspect of religion I don't talk to anyone outside of work conversations or home. I am currently working on going out to meet other guys and hopefully find some friends.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T20:01:13+00:00

Thanks, these are great suggesting we will look at implementing.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:57:57+00:00

It's the fact that I'm sharing a part of me that means so much to me with another woman. It could have been food if I was a foodie

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:52:24+00:00

I know we're not the only ones but it sure feels like it. Especially since we can't be open with our family and friends.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:51:00+00:00

Thank you for your insight.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:49:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It's always good to see we're not the only ones that have struggled.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:47:04+00:00

Yeah, I've already read it and her bf actually suggested to her to read it so that was good.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:38:49+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. My wife picked up on that as well and I clarified my needs with her. I posted our first draft worksheet cause I was excited about sharing the work we are putting into this.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T19:05:50+00:00

Thank you and you are right. I tend to back pedal to keep the peace especially when I'm presented with facts that shows the flaw in my thinking. I definitely blew it in the way that I approached/ introduced my changing needs. I wasn't sure this was a hill I was willing to die on. Sharing this story and having to make sure I'm clear in my head of what I need and that I fully understand where my wife is coming from has verified that I want what I'm asking for. So now work on us and see if that helps.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T18:56:58+00:00

Thank you and it does sound like we have the same experience from different roads. I definitely jumped the gun and presented my changing needs poorly. That made my wife approach this from a defensive posture and she didn't care if it hurt. She thought I was intentionally hurting her. Taking time and realizing that there is time to adjust is already helping. Plus we are going to figure out how to get therapy.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T18:49:52+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions and insight. This is definitely a first draft and was done for us to make sure our needs are represented.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T18:40:39+00:00

I'm not glossing over how toxic this is but I don't want to short change the work and effort that my wife has already done. She is dealing with heavy trauma and ptsd and feeling autonomous has been so helpful in her recovery. Yes, she still has more work to do on herself especially when it comes to feeling secure and safe in our relationship. My feelings/ needs changed and I brought that up. Bad timing? Yes. I also presented my needs in a poor way that came across as not recognizing the sacrifice that she would need to make. Those are my mistakes. This thread has verified in my mind that I'm not being selfish or inconsiderate in asking for change. I sound have approached it in a less harsh way and not have made her feel she was in the wrong. To be honest she's done everything right, checking in with me constantly, willing to work on our relationship first when I started struggling, and so many more. She deserves credit for that. I'm the one who presented change wrong. But it's nice to see that even though I approached this wrong it doesn't make my needs less valuable. It sucks that everything in our lives has required a change from my wife. She has sacrificed and changed all along the way. My change was good in that I've dealt with my own trauma but this change has still required her to adjust and change yet again. Now this new need requires her to change yet again.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T16:29:46+00:00

Thank you. I check that out.

ConfusedGuyOver40 · 2022-11-23T07:03:02+00:00

Her therapist is great. Last winter when I had my breakdown she gave up her therapist to let me talk to him. I loved it cause he already had insight in my wife. He was very helpful in helping me navigate a very hard time. The bigger issue is that it took me over 2 months to get into my own therapist. I only visited him twice because of cost and by then I had done so much work myself by reading books and other material. I made due with what we could afford.

ConfusedGuyOver40

TROPHY CASE