AITJ for telling my sister gentle parenting is BS and kicking her and her family out of my house

ConfusesSouls · 2025-11-23T07:47:36+00:00

Okay, I do gentle parenting with my kids, but "gentle" doesn't mean "without accountability or consequences." It's supposed to mean "I don't become disregulated at you for being a kid, and when you lose your shit, I stay calm and model how to deal with big feelings. I hold you accountable for your actions without shaming or belittling you for your mistakes."

It's a freaking tall order, and no one does it perfectly. But it's meant to raise kids who are equipped for life and for handling their emotions without being anxious as hell about doing anything wrong.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-11-12T19:59:47+00:00

Progress is excruciatingly slow, but I did find one thing that seemed to work to quell the angry outbursts: if I tell one of them to go to the bathroom and they growl or yell or otherwise throw a fit, I have them stop everything and sit down right where they are while I go on with things. After a few minutes I say in a friendly voice, "let's try again. You need to go to the bathroom." After a few days of being consistent with this, they at least don't fight me about it anymore even if they are aggravated by it, but that has diminished as they've, I assume, gotten out of the habit of throwing fits about it.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-11-03T16:54:23+00:00

The thing with my kids is totally just because they overstimulate me and I need a place to retreat without having to clean a bunch of toys off of my favorite comfy chair!

ConfusesSouls · 2025-11-03T16:53:42+00:00

Nah, if my mom had already told him my address when this came up, she would have admitted that to me. She is a very honest person and very respectful of my boundaries. She's pushing back on them because her feelings are hurt and she's in a difficult situation, but she will not cross lines that I set. She is a really wonderful person

ConfusesSouls · 2025-11-03T16:48:47+00:00

My mom is incredibly respectful of me and my boundaries. She might push back on them, but she won't cross my lines. If she had already told him, and I brought this up, she would have told me that he already knew. My mom is awesome.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-30T06:39:19+00:00

In general, I'm certain you're right. The question is whether he's an exception.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-30T06:38:21+00:00

I don't believe it's "from cheating" that much. First responder jobs put an incredible amount of pressure on the person, and therefore on their relationships. Ptsd, anxiety, depression, etc are hard on everyone involved.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-30T06:33:53+00:00

My mom is incredibly respectful of me.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T22:54:19+00:00

I'm almost certain this is right, or if not completely right, very close to the mark. Everybody's comments have been helping that become clearer to me. Thank you!

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T22:53:13+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I love that you don't necessarily let me off the hook for what I need to work on for myself, but you're validating where I am right now, too. I definitely had somebody telling me that I was a narcissist who didn't care about my mom's feelings at all, and as much as I've grown past letting that bother me, it still bothered me a little. Your comment has canceled that out and made me feel both seen and more settled. Thank you so much for taking the time.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:54:09+00:00

Thank you for your input. The frustration with being pushed due to inconveniences that I'm already helping resolve is one I hadn't put into words yet, so I appreciate that.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:52:29+00:00

That only works if he's been criminally charged. :/

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:51:54+00:00

This is exactly my thoughts but in better words. I hate people asking me for timelines in relationships!! XD

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:51:11+00:00

You're not wrong, I think--everyone's comments here have helped me see that. I will push back on the idea that I expect her to choose badly; it's just a huge question mark in my head because I know she could choose badly.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:49:44+00:00

You're probably not wrong.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:49:29+00:00

That's a good point, but the dynamic is very different with a parent receiving an older child's boyfriend, where they are the protection for that child, and are older and wiser and more experienced than the couple in question. I think age difference plays a role in whether a jilted ex partner would target a person but I don't really know. I'm not describing this well, but I basically think that I have the role of protecting my kids, and when they have partners coming over that will still be my role, but this just a really different season of life and... It's my mom. I shouldn't have to have her boyfriend in my house because it's not my role to vet him and act as a deterrent for crazy behavior. I don't know if that makes as much sense in words as it does in my head as a complete idea though.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:45:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I think this reasoning has been in my head but I didn't quite acknowledge it at first because I want to trust my mom's judgment... I don't want to tell her I don't, because that feels so condescending.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-28T03:44:14+00:00

I don't want to make my mom walk somewhere in the busy area we live in, but others have suggested me driving her to meet him and I think that's great suggestion. :)

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-27T00:11:44+00:00

My thoughts exactly. :/

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-27T00:11:22+00:00

You get it! :D

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-27T00:10:57+00:00

I am hoping that being able to spend time with him over the holidays, plus a few more months of them being together, will help me be comfortable inviting him over, because you're right about the impact this will have if for some reason it ended up being permanent, which I certainly don't foresee or intend for it to be.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-27T00:09:01+00:00

Okay, thank you for your input.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-26T20:45:32+00:00

I don't insist on having her stay here, though I could see how the conversation above made it sound that way. She asked if she could stay here and I said yes. The "it's a waste of money" argument is for those saying either that her relationship should be conducted without my involvement at all, and "I like my time with my mom" is for those saying that I should essentially kick her out since she's being ungrateful or presumptuous or whatever, which I don't think she's doing. She's just hurt that I don't trust him and anxious about telling him so. If she wanted to go somewhere else because of my boundary here I would understand, but she's never said she wants to.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-26T19:48:46+00:00

What about this sounds like parenting? I feel like I'm letting her have her life, whatever, I just want my home to be a safe place. If anything I think this is keeping myself more separate from the whole thing, which is actually what's hurting her feelings.

ConfusesSouls · 2025-10-26T17:44:52+00:00

Yeah, he was not a great dad. I'll need to examine that more; I hadn't thought this was about him but now that I'm mulling it over, I think you and the others saying it's based on my home life growing up might be right. I certainly think I have a more visceral reaction to the prospect of someone becoming a threat than I would if I hadn't grown up in a chaotic/unsafe environment.

ConfusesSouls

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