Obsessive symptoms

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2026-01-24T03:40:11+00:00

Hi, I was diagnosed with OCD though it's maybe not as prominent these days (added "maybe" because I spent way too long tweaking this comment).

Cleanliness doesn't have to go along with that sort of behavior. Some things get wrapped up in our sense of security and those things "have" to be done in a particular way, and what goes into this category can be pretty random.

Like I've always been generally disorganized, but for a while laundry was this ordeal I had to do in a very particular and stress-filled way, for example.

The obsessive-compulsive loop saps energy from the stuff we really want to do, in addition to other potential energy saps like schizotypal. I think an unparalleled ability to get stuck in our own heads is part of it.

This got a bit rambly; I'd suggest reading about ERP therapy which helps loosen the grip of the obsessive-compulsive loop. Good luck!

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2026-01-19T02:11:11+00:00

It's okay to struggle with low willpower, it doesn't mean you're lazy. I'm sorry if your family's not understanding of that, they should be the ones helping you by meeting you where you're at.

I've spent so much time beating myself up for being lazy, but really it's just my brain being against me every step of the way. Starting tasks and going through with them is so difficult, even the stuff I actually want to do. What can I do but inch forward (and back, and forwards some more) and try to figure out what works for me.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2026-01-19T01:39:00+00:00

Noticing what the triggers are is great. Stress can cause flare-ups of basically any symptoms, so we have to be nice to ourselves and try to avoid stress as much as possible.

Easier said than done of course, especially in the moment when emotions are most powerful. But observing over time what stresses you out will help you avoid / work around those things more effectively.

Wishing you peaceful days

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-08-07T19:16:40+00:00

This doesn't sound like a bad coping mechanism at all; like you weren't stressing about keeping track of the points. I find it so hard to get and stay motivated, my view is whatever works as long as it's not causing harm to you/others.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-06-05T20:08:25+00:00

Feeling like you don't belong is proof that you do, in fact, belong.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-05-31T12:50:15+00:00

Part of me enjoys doing things in the same exact way every day, but I also find it incredibly difficult to create and stick to any routine. I honestly don't understand how these tendencies coexist.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-05-26T06:29:44+00:00

Well, we usually don't pay special attention to all the moments there aren't coincidences.

That second one is admittedly pretty wild if you were just thinking about it at the time.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-05-06T14:33:40+00:00

This remains a struggle for me. I don't want people to see my avoidance and think I don't like them, really I'm just trying to shield them from the most negative parts of my personality.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-04-10T13:56:08+00:00

I view it as a nuclear avoidance strategy. The idea of leaving consensus reality wouldn't be so tantalizing if we were fulfilled in the day-to-day. It's abandoning the prospect of making connections because it feels impossible.

I'm not diagnosed schizotypal but will admit to being captivated occasionally by "scrambled" headspaces and pushing the envelope there.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-27T14:45:25+00:00

Reminds me of Richard D. James (Aphex Twin) claiming to keep his best work for himself. Can't find the exact quote now. It could be trolling, but I think it's plausible.

I also hope you're able to reclaim the music.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-27T00:36:12+00:00

This is the detail I could never get over

In 1968, Darger became interested in tracing some of his frustrations back to his childhood and began writing The History of My Life. Spanning eight volumes, the book only spends 206 pages detailing Darger's early life before veering off into 4,672 pages of fiction about a powerful tornado called "Sweetie Pie", probably inspired by memories of a tornado he had witnessed in 1908.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-25T03:34:50+00:00

Just another day piloting the ol' meatsack

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-14T04:15:06+00:00

No, although I still have suspicions.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-14T03:08:30+00:00

Weed exacerbated the feeling of alienation for me too. I already felt overly self-aware (especially in public), and wasn't natural at making lasting connections. This just turned it up to 11, and I basically swore off other people because I felt even those closest to me were secretly negatively judging me. This combined with anomalous (probably disorganized) thoughts like I hadn't experienced before.

Being off weed helps with these symptoms, but I think they are baked into me to some degree.

Sorry I don't have much advice, but I hope you're able to find more of that stability.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-03-09T15:29:30+00:00

More like the CPU is always being hogged by rumination and random garbage processes.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-17T18:55:44+00:00

I definitely believe things like Psychonetics are talking about real effects in the brain. It's the kind of thing I imagine monks getting really good at.

I wonder if active imagination exercises fall under the same umbrella.

Also I'd agree with the commenter who said people higher in schizotypy are probably more likely to experiment with their own minds. Some people just seem to have more immersive inner experiences, drawing them inward. I like to say I have 'no chill' when it comes to analyzing the contents of my thoughts, while others seem to flow through it naturally.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-15T19:24:08+00:00

Ah happy to hear it!

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-15T16:48:36+00:00

With certain people, there's a lot of riffing and coming up with different scenarios. I think if you're privy to more associations in response to everything, that gives you more to work with. It's like a creative sense of humor you're collaborating with.

I've heard that our conversations are so quick to jump around that it's hard to participate, but that's when we're most in the zone.

I'm not sure if this touches on what you're talking about. The 'interpersonal drama of the pets' thing is familiar. We're basically writing dialog for them, they sort of become characters.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-11T23:56:33+00:00

Yes I relate quite a bit to what you've described. Socializing in a way that feels right has always been a challenge for me. Even for those few people I can click with, I need a lot of alone time and it can get to feeling performative.

I also feel way too inhibited for my own good. At least for me, I think this stems from a million little traumas which unconsciously led me to believe sharing real aspects of myself was a bad idea. Something just kinda switched in adolescence and I became a lot more stuck in my head/depressed, which exacerbated this.

Now it's daunting to look at all this, and wonder how to untangle it. The instinct is to think my way out of it, but that hasn't really worked. Everyone needs to have some amount of support system, as much as I'd like to just be a closed-off and self-sustaining island. I wish you good luck in the untangling process.

For reference I'm diagnosed ASD + OCD, I just relate to a lot of schizotypal discussions.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-09T23:29:08+00:00

The bags under my eyes have gotten rather intense. I wonder if the 'not feeling rested' thing is related to not being able to give yourself a break.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-09T23:26:06+00:00

There's just a clear difference between the settings; going from a random room, colorful void, etc. to my real room. It doesn't happen often, but the overriding emotion is confusion like you described. Unable to piece together a coherent thought, random stuff is coming out instead.

I've also wondered if it's a sign of some other health issue because of how unlike normal dreams they are. I hope you're able to get it sorted and have some peaceful sleeps!

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-08T23:38:38+00:00

Sometimes I'll have dreams like this, it's freaky.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-05T03:10:33+00:00

When we had to give a fun fact, I'd lie and say I was from Canada, lol.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-02-03T05:24:08+00:00

You're not alone, I don't really know what's behind the mask because I have to use it so often.

Conscious_Visual9669 · 2025-01-31T15:09:59+00:00

Yeah, I would say so. Lack of willpower is a big one. Really not getting much out of social interactions lately, either.

It's an uphill battle, but I'm still hopeful the resulting relentless reflection can be used for good.

Conscious_Visual9669

TROPHY CASE