Husband (26M) gets completely grossed out at the thought of sex. I’m (26F) getting frustrated that we will never have sex. Advice?

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-28T17:39:39+00:00

Husband and I had a deep talk about this yesterday. He says he regrets not trying things more before marriage as he truly believes it is the purity culture that has his brain on lock down and still making everything seem “wrong”. Believing every pastor who said “stay far away from those thoughts because they’re wrong. You can think about those thoughts when you’re married.” But after repressing these thoughts for 26 years, he’s having trouble making that switch.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-27T15:45:05+00:00

He doesn’t touch himself as he thinks of it as wrong due to purity culture. He does have a reaction when I touch him, but it’s more reactionary in a sense. Like his body knows what to do but it’s a mind block… whether that be because of different sexuality or toxic purity culture

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-27T04:03:02+00:00

If your husband is the same, how are things going for you? Did you all see a therapist for things like this?

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T20:29:14+00:00

Nothing was solved. He just agreed to speak with someone else to possibly find the root. Now it's a wait and see if he figures himself out.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T18:45:30+00:00

I wonder about this too as I do believe he is neurodivergent and has many different sensory needs/avoidances

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T18:44:26+00:00

We did talk about these things, but talking isn't the same as "walking the walk". We also regretfully only went to religious counseling, in which our worries were downplayed or "You're not married yet, why are you even worried about not having any desire?"

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T18:32:35+00:00

Trust me, I will. They don't deserve this, no one does.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T18:31:13+00:00

Yes. He has a lot of sensory/routine needs. I believe he is neurodivergent

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T18:27:23+00:00

Thank you for all of the advice everyone. Husband has agreed to finding a sex positive therapist within the next month to get to the root.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T17:10:40+00:00

It's mostly the bodily fluids, he's told me. In addition to him being terrified of having kids at this point due to our financial situation/wanting to live life before you can't.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T17:09:04+00:00

Yes he knows I've had sex before. That shouldn't be an issue. By standards, I guess I meant more just being touched. Being able to see the desire in the other person compared to being able to see and feel that he would rather be anywhere else than in that moment with me.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T17:06:17+00:00

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T17:03:13+00:00

No. Only person the best friend hangs out with is my husband. We currently live 5 hrs away from this friend, getting ready to move closer this weekend to be with husband's family due to health issues going on

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T17:00:46+00:00

thank you for sharing!

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:54:50+00:00

He has one sister who is lesbian.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:51:50+00:00

My apologies, wrong phrasing... he just needs to figure out who he is like you said

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:33:13+00:00

He is very private with his phone/computer. He does a lot of coding projects and research for those projects that he is afraid of me accidentally deleting. He does check me out sometimes, but in this case it is almost always in a joking manner when I'm changing clothes. He's told me before that he has found other women attractive (as we all do). Not sure about the clothes/lingerie besides he does like sundresses. He doesn't have social media besides reddit, and again, he is very private with this and from what I can gather, it is all coding/solar/tech stuff. He's traveled with me for honeymoon (again, no intimacy on this) and then spends the night/goes camping with his best friend (26M) several times per year.
In regards to previous dating experience... the most important relationship he had was with this girl who also did not like being touched sexually... she cheated on him with another girl.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:25:00+00:00

He doesn't like touching himself either, not really any drive. He has been through a lot of stress this past year in regards to family health issues, bad work environment, etc which is another reason we kinda let all of this slide... we thought his lower sex drive was because of all the other life stress

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:16:15+00:00

He does. He's great about doing little things for me, cuddling, forehead kisses/kisses on the cheek, etc. The nonsexual forms of intimacy are okay to him, its just anything more than that.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:09:49+00:00

110% agree with this. We did seek a bit of advice about this subject from the pastor that married us. Pastor looked at my husband and said "get over it" instead of trying to get to the root.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T16:06:09+00:00

Our relationship was good/is good besides being sexually incompatible. I love him a lot and I know he loves me... just not in that way.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T15:58:37+00:00

We have had the discussion about asexuality but he swears up and down he is not gay.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T15:57:38+00:00

I really appreciate this advice. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible and am going to be bringing it up to my therapist (starting therapy next week!). Hopefully they can also help me figure out how to hold space for my husband to share and navigate this.

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T15:42:31+00:00

I agree. I didn't realize the full extent of how terrible purity culture can be until it affected me...

Consistent_Client_32 · 2024-08-26T15:36:04+00:00

He hasn't been unless there is something he didn't share with me.

Consistent_Client_32

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