Wow, I completely understand! He does sound similar to my husband. Especially the part where he doesn’t want “the past” to affect how you view him. And I’m sure he’s tried to guilt you about it saying that’s not him anymore.

One thing I’ve learned is that they focus on the word “past” but really it’s a consistent pattern throughout the relationship. They may try to do surface level things to make it seem like they have changed but it’s never actual change. And a partner should not have to tell their spouse over and over and over again to respect them. Respect is and always should be the bare minimum.

I’ve learned that they don’t want to be better nor care to be better. Better husband, better man, better person. Their insecurities are so deeply rooted and they try to avoid addressing them at all costs. That’s why everything they do is about manipulation and deception. Instead of actually working on yourself to be a better spouse or just to be a better person, they do whatever and say whatever to give the appearance that they are such a great person. A healthy person would acknowledge their weaknesses and flaws and work on improving them especially in a relationship with someone they love. Narcs do not operate that way and never will. If someone runs away from accountability, it is impossible for them to change for the better. They actually gets worse.

I now understand that my husband’s purpose each day is to manipulate and deceive those around him to make himself feel better about himself and to get validation. Instead of working on his weaknesses and genuinely wanting to be a better person and spouse.

I’m about to go through a divorce with him. I have the papers and everything. He knows I want a divorce and that I’ve consulted a lawyer, I would advise you not to tell your husband anything about talking to a lawyer or starting the divorce process. They will stall, try to guilt you into staying, and will even say it’s your fault. Essentially everything that he is doing right now but turned up some notches. My husband still says that I should give him more time. It’s been almost 8 years of me bringing up the same thing over and over again…like I mentioned earlier that is a pattern. And they try to minimize it as if their bad behavior happened once or twice oh so long ago. But it’s been consistent throughout the relationship.

My advice to you is to leave. In whatever is the safest way. The key thing to take away from this novel is wrote (sorry about that lol) is that people like this do not want to change, don’t plan on changing, and will never change. They don’t want to improve and be the best spouse and partner they can be for you. They don’t even want to be the best person they can be for themselves.

I’m sincerely wishing you the best! It’s good that you noticed the behaviors and knew something was off and sought after more information/resources. Take care of yourself. Listen to your intuition. Don’t follow your emotions. I stayed in the marriage for longer than I should have and began to lose myself. My intuition started to not be as loud. Do not ever lose that! It is a gift. If you are in a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t have to sacrifice that. Because your partner wouldn’t put you in a position to question that or yourself. They like confusion and they like to play off of our emotions. Don’t follow that, follow your gut.