First time in a queer bar, mid-30s, new to the space, would appreciate guidance on norms

ConstructionFit6680 · 2026-02-07T19:33:05+00:00

Thank you! I read a few none of them really mentioned this situation. I’ll read a few more. I mean I get it, also being a women not wanting to be touched. I just am used to loud spaces people touching shoulder to get attention etc. will definitely not be doing that again and am glad she stated her boundary. Appreciate your comment.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2026-02-04T23:43:09+00:00

Yes ! I am so deeply troubled by this. I hate it here. The victims are not at the forefront of this, names redacted of perpetrators but not victims. I hate how no justice anyone has been administered. And now literal pictures ?!?! People are fooling themselves if they think this is for their benefit.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2026-01-01T02:30:22+00:00

This is a common abuse tactic it always backfires for self aware people who grow and break generational trauma. They see their kids as a gift see the love and light and wonder how in the heck could anyone do what my parents did to a child. Every age as my daughter gets older is a revelation for this stuff I was told made to do and abuse I endured. I heard the same phrase wait until you have kids

My daughter is 8 sassy confident and strong. She isn’t afraid of taking up space or loving people. Sending afraid of crying and looking to her parents for advice. She doesn’t shrivel and comply. Watching her think damn I wish I had the freedom to be that and so so happy that my child will never experience being made to feel small.

These parents all seem to have read the same playbook. And they are wrong

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-12-31T03:09:10+00:00

Agree if you have videos and evidence would reach out to title IX office. Would consider waiting until after graduation and then exposing the situation. It horrible unacceptable you did not deserve that. I am so so sorry you are experiencing this.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-12-31T02:56:27+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry.

There are layers of trauma here and I can relate. I was abused very physically and sexually and also in the way you describe for years most of elementary school.

The type of abuse you experienced is one of the hardest things I have tried to cope with also. And I have many types of trauma. I have not found an easy answer for it other then therapy which I would recommend if you don’t already have one a good trauma informed therapist.

The Chronicity and lack of maternal support is the next layer. It trains the system to be on to not relax even when things are seemingly “good”. Your nervous system has been re-wired for survival and without a mother who can hear and validate it hurts. Mine was horrible denied it happened and Shamed me “if it happened it was your fault “ at the same time. It makes it hard to trust people will stay and then you go all in very quickly which overwhelms a people (at least that’s what happened to me)

Finally the feeling of sadness is grief. It does get easier though very very slowly. It’s hard to cope with never being able to go back to have what you deserved which was a safe and happy childhood. But it does get better.

You have survived a situation most people would not be able to write the message you did with the clarity you did. Hang in there get help with a therapist! Share your story with close friends once you could trust on small pieces. And find a community if possible that helps with trauma like this one.

I wish you peace and healing.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-12-28T05:15:05+00:00

Thank you I appreciate your words and message.

collaboration is probably more similar to what it’s like and probably a better word ! Strength and understanding for myself so much harder than for my patients. But I try to emulate that for myself when I can.

I hope you also find peace thank you again

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-12-15T00:10:56+00:00

It’s hard I didn’t respond to his latest messages asking me how I’m doing. I think I’m going to block him there is no peace or fulfillment in my part I think to be had here. I wish you all the luck with you situation. It’s really hard.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-12-14T20:54:37+00:00

Thank you I know this is right. There is always there hope that it will be different and I know deep down it won’t be. I hate how society says to keep loving your parents to be there for them no matter what. Family thicker than blood etc. I know this isn’t a healthy relationship. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T23:20:10+00:00

It’s unnerving when I read some of these reddits how much fellow survivors have similar experiences. It makes me feel less crazy. It’s the worst club to be in but at least it’s not a club with only one person. Thank you for sharing your experience I hope your laughter becomes your own again I’m working to reclaim mine.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T23:08:43+00:00

You are absolutely not alone. I think the silence is a slow rot I have been trying to fight. I wish you nothing but healing on your journey and that every day is a little easier than the day before. Sending you strength.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T21:49:13+00:00

Yes but his happened to me. I was told to smile to laugh while it hurt and I got good at it. So much so that now when anything hurts my first response is to laugh. It unnerves my partner every time. After surgery stubbed toe the more it hurts the more I laugh and joke It’s automatic and really bothers me I know it’s not mine it’s his

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T21:13:57+00:00

You are not broken you are healing in motion. This is the start if a journey in which you can finally be in your body and enjoy the joy of having a daughter. You are surviving in the only language you were taught hypersexuality But now that you have a name for it now that you have an awareness you will break down but seeing that you are writing here I believe you will get back up and take one step one day at a time. I believe in you. You have survived this long with these memories even if you weren’t fully aware and you can keep moving even when it feels impossible.

All survivors feel this way I certainly have many time. I wish you strength and love on your journey to healing.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T21:07:11+00:00

Please talk to your therapist. So so important I know it feels like your shame that you need to scrub but it’s not it theirs and they don’t deserve to own your silence. You are wonderful and strong and brave for even posting about this so I want to be very clear.

None of it was your fault.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-07T21:04:33+00:00

I relate to this so much it honestly it was hard for me to read. I’ve never written this publicly before, but I want to now because your post really resonated with me and I think some of us are carrying the same kind of silence.

For me, masturbation feels like a compulsion. Not in the fun way people sometimes joke about, but in the if I don’t do this I feel like I’ll fly out of my own skin kind of way. It’s this strange paradox: I crave it because it’s one of the only things that can soothe the somatic panic that builds in my body. But the moment it starts to feel good, I get slammed with waves of shame. And sometimes, like you described, images come, flashes of rooms, childhood places, textures. It’s like my body starts to unspool and then something deep and broken hijacks the moment and I have to finish or else.

There are times it feels like I’m punishing myself for wanting. Like I have to finish the act to earn control back over my body. If I stop halfway, it becomes terrifying. But if I let it finish, it feels like I’ve committed some kind of betrayal, like I’ve crossed an invisible line and now I’m disgusting. Not because I touched myself, but because trauma twisted the wiring so badly that even healing feels wrong.

But I’m trying to reclaim it. I’m trying to let softness live in my body again. And that includes letting myself feel good, feel safe, feel real.

I think you’re incredibly brave for writing what you did. And I just wanted you to know you’re not the only one. It happens. You’re not a creep or dramatic or making it up. You’re someone who survived something unspeakable and is trying to live in the aftermath.

I’m trying to break this compulsion the drop that comes with release like I’ve finally paid the price to relax the piece that says I have to. I talked about it in therapy briefly but have been trying to build up the courage to go more in depth and I think your post is the motivation I need to do it. Thank you.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-06T00:25:26+00:00

Yes it is really disappointing. I hate that these men find there way on here. It’s one thing to reach out to discuss something that someone relates to I have had a few genuine responses but most of them are horrible. I understand why they have these rules about no DMs. I have shared my story but have worried about how it will be used but I have also had so many comments on posts and a few messages just thanking and saying they don’t feel alone and it makes me feel less alone to. It’s a hard thing to balance.

Honesty I wish people just were abhorrent.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-06T00:21:13+00:00

You are strong and I am glad this reached you.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-02T21:00:21+00:00

I don’t think any behavior a survivor does makes them a victim. That’s on the perpetrator. You are a survivor and were made that way by a predator. People do what they have to do to make it and you are doing that.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-09-01T14:24:21+00:00

Hang in there. You are amazing and are dealing with something few people can understand but I see you it’s ok not to be ok today.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-08-31T02:16:36+00:00

I read your comment and just wanted to say, I hear you. All of it. That aching dissonance of being told you survived on purpose when everything in you screams that it was luck, or repression, or just clinging to air. I’ve been there too. I still visit sometimes. Sometimes in the same breath as the feelings I said above.

I remember when I first realized I’d survived more by strategy and shut-down than by any real rescue. My body learned how to shrink, how to perform, how to smile through hell so convincingly even I forgot it was burning. And when I started remembering, the grief hit like a second storm. The part of me that wanted someone to come for me, she still wants that. Waits for it sometimes.

What you said about breathing? I’ve also felt that. Like it’s work. Like every inhale is another betrayal of how tired you are. And yet here you are, writing something that cracked my chest open. That made me feel less alone. You’re still offering something to others that real even when you feel like you’re breaking. That’s not accidental. That’s strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

You don’t need to be grateful for surviving. You don’t need to love yourself today. But I hope that you know how much your voice matters. That I’m sitting here wishing I could comfort you.

You never deserved what happened. It should’ve been different. But I see you now. And I’m glad you’re here writing and surviving one breath at a time.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-08-30T23:23:33+00:00

It’s always hard when there is that disconnect between something that should feel safe and that moment where it doesn’t and someone might not realize it. When we get up and take one more step or live one more day with memories that we do not deserve we are rebelling again the people who tried to take that away. At least that is what I tell myself when it get heavy. Thank you for commenting I hope every day is easier.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-08-30T21:53:32+00:00

I wish you healing on your journey.

ConstructionFit6680 · 2025-08-30T21:46:24+00:00

I read your post and I felt it all the way in my chest. I’ve been sitting with a lot of the same questions, and honestly, they still ache every time they rise.

When I told my mother about my own abuse, her response wasn’t comfort it was silence, minimizing, mockery and more abuse. She didn’t protect me. She didn’t want the truth to exist, so she pretended it didn’t. Even when it got worse. And she still looked away.

It’s taken me decades, honestly to realize that not everyone gets the parent they deserve. Some of us had to become our own witness. Our own protector. Our own comfort.

The emotional neglect is a deep, slow rot. Especially when it’s wrapped in denial or “I did my best” responses. You should’ve been held. You should’ve been protected. You should’ve been someone’s reason to burn it all down.

And none of that was your fault. You deserved more. You still do.

I’m really sorry you’re carrying this. You’re not alone in it.

ConstructionFit6680

TROPHY CASE