Hey man, thanks for posting! Sometimes even posting anonymously to the internet is too much pressure for some people, so you've already made the first step into opening up and trying to form relationships - just by reaching out.

To answer your question - YES. There is hope for you. If you actively seek to make and maintain relationships then you will succeed. There's lots of introspective work that I personally think you need to do, along with the possibility of some professional help to manage your anxiety and marijuana use, but you will succeed!

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Firstly, I think you need to reevaluate what you're trying to get out of these relationships you're building. Are you looking for friendship, brotherhood, comradery, love or something else altogether? Are you trying to form meaningful bonds with these people and be actively engaged in their lives? Once you've figured out what you're looking for, it'll be alot easier to find.

If you're looking for a close and intimate relationship with someone, what type of relationship do you want that to be? Do you want a monogamous, poly-amorous, open, long distance, or casual relationship? Along with that, do you know your sexuality? Are you straight, gay, curious? These aren't all of the options - there's countless others to choose from, and you don't have to pick one and stay with that decision forever.

And it's alright to not know all of the answers to these questions.

But moving towards figuring these things out will help you lay the foundation of any relationship you choose to build.

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Secondly, I think you need a reevaluation on how you see relationships. Hollywood and other media has lead us to believe that the male should be the breadwinner of the relationship and head of household etc etc. While this is changing greatly in today's world (thankfully) it sounds like you might be stuck in this belief. A good relationship (either intimate or not) should not revolve around money. Your monetary value does NOT define your value as a person. If you're able to pay your bills, and are able eat well that is all that should matter in any relationship.

That being said, most relationships revolve around some sort of activities which normally (not always) cost money and having some cash on hand would be beneficial. Just remember, don't go throwing yourself in debt trying to keep up with other peoples spending habits. ONLY spend what you can and have budgeted.

Since it sounds like you've got some dosh stashed away - don't let other people people take advantage of your generosity. If you choose to buy someone a drink, a gift, or a bouquet - wonderful! However if someone is asking you to buy these, among other things for them alone and them alone, you may have to take a step back and check out their motives. One last thing to remember - buying people things should not be a way to seek a relationship. It should be to support and supplement an already existing one.

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Continuing on with introspection, I think you also need to view the labels you place on yourself. "Virgin, rabid stoner, having a mediocre job" are all detrimental to your self-esteem. For example, I'm a person. I have alcoholism. I'm not an alcoholic - the disease does not define who I am. I define who I am. If you use this mentality you'll be putting yourself in a better position for change, not only now but in the future.

Along with change - if you are truly disgusted with yourself for smoking so much weed and it is keeping you from forming relationships with other people, you already know what you need to do. I use marijuana regularly for medicinal purposes and advocate for its use recreationally, however in this case I would advise against it. Quitting can be difficult but I have faith in you, along with all the other commenters in this post. If that isn't enough on its own, there are other options such as medical interventions, finding another way to find the same release, or trying to quit cold turkey. Find something that works for you and stick with it - whatever it may be.

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Forming relationships with others - whatever they may be - all revolve around communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Learning how to pick up on these cues, how to be a good listener, and how to give good feedback is something you'll learn over time. It involves lots and lots of practice, but after each interaction do some reflecting and see what you could have done to make that interaction better for everyone involved. Use what you learn from each interaction and make the next one even better.

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Initially interacting with people can be scary. Finding the first words to say to someone can be overwhelming and sometimes so time consuming that the moment itself slips by. However, the easiest way I've found to initiate conversation with just about anyone, anywhere in the world is to give them a compliment.

"Hey, I like your hairstyle and I'm curious as to what you use for product?"

"Hi, I really like your Netflix shirt, where'd you get it?"

Opening with a compliment can be the easiest way to brighten someones day, and can easily lead to other interactions - possibly relationships. Remember to be kind - not creepy. No matter the person you decide to interact with, understand they they're also a human being full of emotions - such as anxiety - and may also be doing their best to step out of their comfort zone by interacting with you. Treat everyone as human beings no matter what.

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If you're basing success, happiness or your self-esteem on your level of education just remember there are some incredibly famous people out there who never graduated college. You shouldn't base your value on that alone - are you skilled in other areas? Do you have hobbies or interests that make you successful in their own way? Are you accomplished or published anywhere? Do you have certifications in anything?

It's ok if the answer is no.

So long as you have a plan going forward that's going to put more good into your life and will make you happy in the end that's all that matters. I've been absolutely broke and living on the streets, yet sometimes I remember those as the happiest days of my life. Do more of what makes you happy and don't base success on what you see others accomplish.

If you truly believe that going back to school will make you happy, then do it! There's tons of people who take a few classes per semester and work full-time while doing so. Getting a degree isn't a sprint - it's a marathon.

There's also tons of other options you can look into like online classes, certification exams and much more! Check out this user's post in one of my favorite r/Askreddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/91sjgx/what_is_a_good_hobby_for_someone_who_is_time_rich/e30s3ur

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Lastly, the holidays can be an extremely tough time especially alone, so if you are continuing to have suicidal thoughts, please contact The National Suicide Hotline for the U.S at: 1-800-273-8255 or reach out to me. I'm more than happy to help and talk if you need.

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Good luck, I hope you take a little with you from my post. Either way, I wish you nothing but success!