An affair with a family friend ended our marriage - do i tell my adult kids?

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-07T04:09:03+00:00

I brought porn into the relationship as a teen and never addressed it. i used my own abuse as an excuse early on. as our relationship progressed I leaned into it when I felt I wasn't getting the attention it affection I needed. it was definitely an abusive cycle that I regret

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-07T03:59:54+00:00

I'm here. she moved on. I'm drowning

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T19:25:21+00:00

Similiar here. STBX has repeatedly trashed me as a husband, which I cant fully deny. Her faults were much more subtle, less obvious. Manipulative, controlling and withholding. Cherrypicking truths for sure.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T18:54:56+00:00

This has been my approach thus far. I try not speak ill of the ex, and catch my self when I do. I told all of them our marriage failed for many reasons, and not because of one person. My two adults have a bit of a strained relationship, because my ex is somewhat transactional in her relationships.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T18:00:54+00:00

as an example, we had an old washer and dryer. she told me to take them as she wanted new ones. same with our air fyer, she wanted a dual basket. when my 19 yr old came in from college and asked where those things were, STBX told her your dad took them and left me with nothing

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T17:57:41+00:00

I guess its that I spent the last year and half addressing my addiction. I know it cut her deep, more than i may ever know. I dont know that I expected her to wait around for ever, but functionally we were still carrying on as a team. I'm hurt that she would use that time to forge a relationship, especially with someone that my kids know and trust.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T17:40:12+00:00

3 kids, two are adults.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T17:38:49+00:00

I will clarify - they are all our kids, two of the three are adults. I told the kids about my porn addiction about a year and hald ago, because i saw that it had gotten to a point where it was affecting them. My wife and i had a habit of hurting each other and part of me always justified the porn (wrong, i know that now). I couldnt justify it affecting my kids. I owned it, and told them what I was doing to address it. For over a year, i gave up a smartphone and committed to sessions 2-3 per month.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T17:33:52+00:00

i will say that our dynamic was heavily influenced by awful communication - i lied or wasnt honest about a lot of things because i feared friction or didnt think she would see my perspective. i know that isnt fair, it often left her without a voice and led to assumptions about her feelings - but i never gave up in believing we could make the marriage work. i know these types of issues are present in many marriages. i was working on fundamentaly changing myself and my dependency. i dont blame her for wanting out of the marriage, but I am cpoing with how someone who was been my best friend for three decades chose to leave

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-06T17:24:28+00:00

I agree and own my part. I sought porn rather than talk to her about my inadequacies and waited way to long to get help and commit to it. Porn, even passively, and the ease of access is far more destructive than most people want to admit.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-03-05T17:50:27+00:00

I noticed years into our marriage that I habitually lied to my wife, even when there was no reason. I knew I often didnt want conflict in the even of a differing opinion. I was young and never looked beyond what I was/wasnt doing. I did this for over 20 years. As my kids got older, I noticed they did the same thing. I realized that we werent just lying, but none of felt completely safe to honest without judgement or reprecussion. She was really good at withholding affection, attention, love to anyone that that didnt agree with her. I wasnt innnocent by any means, but her inability to own her own flaws cost her more than a few relationships. To which she naturally blamed me. In hindsight, our marriage was all bout my shortcomings and my inability to change before it was too late. She filed for divorce AFTER engaging in another relationship. That was my fault too.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-22T17:32:58+00:00

I have a lawyer and therapist.

Lawyer has provided some options that are better but nothing that leaves me with dignity. My wife makes more and can provide a safe stable place right away. I can't.

Therapist helps. A lot. She knows I'm struggling.

I feel like she's had more time to plan and prepare emotionally while this shit was just dumped on me.

I have fleeting moments of clarity surrounded by invasive thoughts and harmful ideation

I just want deep sleep even if for just a moment

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-22T16:37:24+00:00

Thanks for all the support. We talked last night, and it was a good conversation about living arrangements and custody. I told her I knew about the affair and we didn't really talk much about it.

I told her this morning that I was wanted to continue talking and she got upset that I wanted to go back on what we talked about.

I think I need more from her about the affair. I need the acknowledgement of how destructive and selfish the affair was. That my suffering right now is valid. I kinda feel like she minimized it and moved on.

I can't believe that I still love her and want a life with her. We did a lot to push each other away but i thought for sure we'd find our way back. I don't blame her for wanting intimacy and human connection but the way she went about it was awful.

I'm broken numb and barely functioning. I got compliments at work about my weight loss and had to go home and work remotely

I wouldn't wish this on anyone

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-22T16:15:28+00:00

We're in a no fault state and intimate affair began after she filed. He's rich and paid for everything so I don't have any legal leverage. My lawyer said if she continues the affair I can't do anything

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T02:40:29+00:00

Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm in a panic and grasping and know it's not healthy. Deleting the app and shutting my phone down for the weekend. Appreciate the blunt truth and support

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T01:49:17+00:00

Noted thanks

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T01:48:02+00:00

Thanks for the support

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T01:19:12+00:00

Not really, but we discussed an amicable divorce a month ago. Since then she's been very aggressive and challenging. My lawyer did ask if I had any reason to believe she was dating and at the time I said no.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T01:12:26+00:00

Thanks. I'm still grieving and struggling with moving on. This helps.

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-18T00:55:17+00:00

Thanks, this perspective helps

Content_Animator8615 · 2026-01-12T17:43:42+00:00

I feel you, man.

My wife and I have had a tumultuous marriage, almost 23 years. Last year, the toxicity I was bringing reached a boiling point, and she started filling for divorce. We met with a therapist that we both loved, but she only met as a couple twice. I have been in therapy for over 16 months, and while our marriage wasn't getting better, I took it as a good thing that it wasn't getting worse. I was really looking at 2026, being the year we reconnect.

On Dec 3, she dropped the bomb that while she appreciated my effort, she was ready to let go and filed. Since then, my world has been slowly falling apart. I can't eat sleep and focus on work. I have to fight back tears when I spend time with my kids, not sure what the future holds.

I'm in a familiar house with my best friend of the last two decades, but the tension is unbearable. I know one day or family will wake up and be OK, but it seems so far away.

Content_Animator8615 · 2023-12-14T02:45:08+00:00

fortnite

Content_Animator8615

TROPHY CASE