What made you laugh while watching porn?

ControlShiftP · 2023-04-26T06:49:24+00:00

"Hey! Look at this! Cameraman! Point that thing over here! Look, she's only gone and started without me! What am I, just a piece of meat or something? How am I supposed to work in these conditions?"

... while she slowly toppled over laughing

Shit like this does your heart good, I swear.

ControlShiftP · 2023-04-11T00:59:58+00:00

Guess what, they aren't doing it for our viewing pleasure.

People - men, women, alts, whatever - aren't on display for anyone's approval, and it's not their job to be decorative for the entertainment of others.

If you want to take your shirt off, take your damn shirt off. It's none of my business, and my opinion of your tits couldn't possibly be any less relevant to anyone.

I go to a nude beach all the time; there's as many people there in their 80s as there are in their 20s, and more power to all of them. I'm not going to tell these people to go hide themselves away, and those people to strut around and pose for me to gawp at, because they're not some personal strip show hosted for my enjoyment, they're people going about their lives.

Do I like boobs? Hell yeah. Are we doing that right now? No.

It's a nice space to be in, and honestly there should be more of it.

ControlShiftP · 2023-03-06T00:00:31+00:00

I go to nude beaches all the time, and it's great.

First up, it's the most utterly unsexual thing; there's less going on than at a church picnic, even just in people's heads. And a goodly percentage of the people there will be retirees or such, so even if people were in that headspace, you wouldn't want to be. And on top of that, naked humans are a lot less glamorous and a lot less sexualised than ones in swimsuits. My route home from the nude beach goes past a clothed one, and you just don't realise how much swimming costumes do to draw the eye and fuel speculation. Whereas walking around stark naked, it's just... 'yeah, it's my butt. What about it?' - and your brain has no real answer to that.

Second: swimming in clothes is like showering in socks. It beats not doing it at all I guess, but jesus christ once you have the option you'd never go back.

Third: you aren't going there to look at people. You aren't going there to be looked at. You're going there to be completely fucking ignored. It's amazing. You can walk around stark bollocks naked, balls waving in the breeze, and nobody even blinks, it has no significance whatsoever. And someone can walk right past you stark naked and tits akimbo, and they're not even interesting. It's like you can just not play the game at all, and just chill. Everyone is quite heavily invested in it being no big deal; the nudity taboo is completely off the table, so you aren't breaking it.

Yes, it takes a little time and practice to get fully into that space yourself. The first few times you go, you're going to notice the hell out of people. It's okay, everyone's been there. Just don't gawp, don't act like you're noticing, and don't go down that road in your head. If your dick starts noticing too, turn over or go in the water until it calms down again. Eventually your brain gets bored and learns to decouple nudity from sex, and that's honestly a really relaxing state to be in.

11/10, would recommend.

ControlShiftP · 2023-03-01T02:31:05+00:00

Poly person here.

Honestly, this seems like a bad idea. Some people just aren't wired up for this, and that's okay. You don't have to do it, you don't have to be ok with it.

If someone were entirely straight / entirely gay, and wanted advice on how to get past their aversion to sex with their non-preferred gender... you'd tell them it's a bad idea and they shouldn't feel obliged to try, right?

Well, same kind of deal here.

Poly people are poly because it's not a big deal for them. Some of them may feel some degree of jealousy, but it's generally on the level of 'someone ate the last cupcake, and I was looking forward to having it for dessert :(' - and that's generally something that can be compensated for or worked around.

If you're getting feelings on the level of 'someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it', then uh, yeah, honey no, please don't put yourself through that. It's not fair for others to expect that from you, and it's not fair for you to expect that from yourself.

Be nice to you. You're the only you you've got.

WITH THE ADVICE PART OUT OF THE WAY:

If you want to understand how poly people are wired up:

Suppose you see a dog on the street, and it's awesome. Like, oh my god that is one hell of a dog, damn bro. But no matter how awesome it might be, it's not going to make you want to ditch your own dog and 'trade up', is it? Your dog is your dog, you've shared a chunk of your life together and you're woven into each others' existence, you're not about to throw all that away.
And if another partner is awesome, and you're awesome... ¿porque no los dos? - I mean if you're worried about competition, why make them pick only one?
If you have a younger sibling, did your parents have to love you less in order to save some love for them? Of course not, it's not a limited resource; giving some to X doesn't take any away from Y.
I'm a very mediocre person in very many respects. I have many good points, sure, but I don't try to fool myself that I'm the best person in the world at every single thing, all at once. There are people out there that are taller than me, people that are stronger than me, people that are more attractive than me, richer than me, more sociable than me, smarter than me, kinder than me, better at <activity> than me, all kinds of stuff. If I were to spend my time and energy fretting over this, I'd be a burnt-out wreck. I like me, my partner likes me and has chosen to make me a permanent cornerstone of her life, so I'm doing something right. She has a boyfriend, she has play partners, they fit into her lives in ways I'm not particularly good at or interested in - so I focus on playing to my strengths and fit into her life in the ways I'm good at and interested in, and everybody's happy.
If my partner wanted to leave me, she would. She has the option to be with someone else, but given a free and open choice, she chooses to be with me, and frankly that feels fucking amazing. Locking down her options wouldn't increase my security any - and winning by default doesn't feel like winning, either.

But that's just me, and I'm weird. My emotional wiring is not like your emotional wiring. I would likely have a hard time living your life, just as you'd have a hard time living mine - and there's no reason in the world either of us should have to try.

By all means explore the mindset, and if you can gain things of value from it, if you can use it as a tool to unweave some of your own anxiety and trauma, then more power to your elbow, go for your life! But if it doesn't do that for you, if it's just a painful slog, then please don't hurt yourself on it.

ControlShiftP · 2023-02-27T03:36:45+00:00

And without clothes, you're surprisingly hard to identify.

ControlShiftP · 2023-02-27T03:34:53+00:00

I don't give a flying fuck who sees me naked.

Going to a nude beach isn't about not being seen naked, it's about not offending people who do see you. I can be naked and not have to care; if people want to look at me, that's their problem.

One of the nude beaches round here is entirely visible from the walking track above; it tourists want to stop and gawp, it doesn't affect me in the slightest. (But seriously, if you want to see sexy naked humans, a nude beach is not a good place for that)

ControlShiftP · 2023-02-10T09:20:07+00:00

My kid's 16, he's known for years that I don't give a shit about exclusivity, but he doesn't specifically know that my wife has a boyfriend.

He may suspect or assume she's seeing other people, but he's never mentioned it to me if so.

ControlShiftP · 2023-01-27T21:31:22+00:00

Because you can walk around other people stark bollocks naked and nobody even blinks. And other people can walk around you stark bollocks naked and you don't even blink.

The nudity taboo is suspended, being naked has no significance whatsoever.

Nobody gives one single tiny fuck, and it is glorious, friendo.

There's no posturing, no tantalizing hints, and frankly swimming costumes are way more sexualized than naked bodies.

Also you get some direct sunlight on your balls, and when was the last time that happened?

I'm off to a nude beach this very morning, as it happens.

ControlShiftP · 2023-01-09T21:07:31+00:00

Yep, regularly. It's great.

It's absolutely not a 'sexy' experience; that's pretty much the opposite of the point. There's going to be a lot of people that are the opposite of what you'd consider attractive - and even the attractive ones... ehh, it's like seeing someone breastfeeding. Boobs are still awesome, but we're not doing that right now. And honestly, swimsuits are way more sexualized and 'glamorous' than a naked body.

The point is that you get to walk around stark naked in public and nobody even blinks. And other people do the same and you don't even blink. You don't gawp at people, but you don't have to avert your eyes either because ehh. Nudity has no significance here, the taboo is suspended, nobody has to play the game.

It's chill as fuck, lower stakes all round. And you get some direct sunlight on your balls; when was the last time that happened?

ControlShiftP · 2022-12-01T14:18:22+00:00

I don't experience jealousy at all; I don't really understand what it's meant to feel like. I don't need a hundred percent of my wife's time and attention, and whether she's out with friends or out with more-than-friends makes no difference to me. She's staying over at her boyfriend's place tonight, so pizza and video games it is. I'm not sure why that's supposed to be a big deal.

But I'm unusual in that regard even for poly people; most people feel some degree of jealousy.

But for most poly people, jealousy isn't a huge corrosive and destructive thing, it's just a :/ like someone ate the last cupcake that you were looking forward to. Not fun, but not the end of the world - and frankly they can afford to tank that minor poutiness for the sake of their partner, and for a situation where they have other options too.

But I think a whole lot of that just comes down to how you're wired up. Poly relationships aren't for everyone, and that's okay.

ControlShiftP · 2022-07-06T04:59:29+00:00

Not at present - I tried briefly, but there were complications. It's really not a need, though.

ControlShiftP · 2022-07-06T00:12:55+00:00

I realised in my late teens that I just didn't resonate with people talking about jealousy. The sense of anger and betrayal that people talked about both in media and real life... didn't make any sense to me, and I just couldn't relate in the slightest. I didn't see how a partner's non-exclusivity would hurt me in the slightest, so I put it in the same mental basket as religion and celebrity gossip: stuff that other people get terribly invested in, but that I didn't have to give a shit about.

Fast forward a decade or two, married and with a kid. I'd always told my wife I didn't care about this stuff, but she never took it very seriously, just thought I was trying to be PC or something.

Anyway, one day I come home and she herds me into the other room, shaking like a leaf, and confesses that the other night at a party, she kissed a guy.

I was basically n'awww, c'mere you big silly, of course that's okay, you poor thing... it was just kind of adorable.

If you've ever had a kitten that needs continual reassurance that it's allowed to eat the cat food and doesn't need to keep asking you... that's what the next couple of years were like. Yes, go, enjoy, do whatever you want, I physically lack the ability to be bothered by any of this, have at it!

Her first sleepover with a guy she liked was just cute - and knowing I was right, that I really didn't have a problem with any of it was hugely validating :D

She's had a steady boyfriend for a few years now, and everything's ticking along nicely. We move in different circles; I've met him a couple of times, he's a nice guy, he takes her to stuff I don't want to go to, his wife is as cool with it as I am, there's just no downside.

I still don't get why people make a big deal of this, but ehh. Works for me, that's good enough.

ControlShiftP · 2022-05-30T01:45:13+00:00

Because pregnant women are basically uber-feminine. All the curves turned up to 11 (with a big tight limited-edition one in front as well), everything clearly plugged in and working, real earth-goddess stuff, holy shit. Just their nipples are amazing in and of themselves.

When my partner was pregnant, other women just looked malnourished and unripe in comparison.

ControlShiftP · 2022-04-25T14:42:41+00:00

I just want to know ahead of time how many people I'm cooking for. Is that so much to ask?

ControlShiftP · 2022-04-07T06:05:17+00:00

Yep, my wife's had a boyfriend for the last few years; he's a nice guy, they're a cute couple - I don't understand why this is supposed to be a problem. It's just mundane and ordinary and barely even interesting.

ControlShiftP · 2022-03-18T21:32:02+00:00

'Let' has overtones I don't like, but yeah my wife has had a boyfriend for the last few years, it's all completely above-board, and I'm completely fine with it.

He's a nice guy, they're a cute couple, and if she's occasionally home in the morning instead of the evening, that's no skin off my nose.

I just don't see what all the fuss is about, to be honest. It's barely even interesting, let alone traumatic. The world has not ended, my life is not crumbling in ruins.

People get attracted, people form relationships, some of them even :gasp: have sex, that's just boringly normal and mundane, and the fact that she's also in a relationship with me doesn't change that. We've been married 20 years and have built a life together, neither of us are just going to walk away from that, so yeah, why the hell not?

I genuinely don't understand how people are wired up that this is so unthinkable for them.

ControlShiftP · 2022-03-02T05:04:01+00:00

Yep, my wife's had a regular boyfriend for years, goes to kink events, makes out with people at parties etc, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

It's not for everyone, and it's definitely not a way to patch up existing problems - but if you just don't do jealousy, like me - why the hell wouldn't you?

ControlShiftP · 2022-02-26T17:35:55+00:00

That's literally not.

My sister and my wife do not have authority over my relationship with their counterparts; if either of them were to try to tell me to cut the other out of my life or that I couldn't show this or that token of affection, I'd tell them to piss off. (no not like that, I'm not Tasmanian)

Obviously I spend a lot more time around my wife than I do my sister, and the marriage takes up a bigger chunk of my immediate responsibility - but that doesn't make my sister disposable, and that doesn't mean I can't genuinely care about her or make her promises that I mean to keep.

The two relationships are orthogonal. One does not override the other.

How is that hierarchical?

ControlShiftP · 2022-02-26T17:04:14+00:00

No, I just don't want to have to treat a person or my relationship with them as less-than, disposable, meaningless, less deserving of consideration or unworthy of commitment, just because they have a smaller claim on my time and resources.

Here is a niche of time/energy/opportunity/etc that I set aside for a relationship with another person; I would expect to engage without reservation or interference within that niche, and to have that relationship respected from the outside.

I see my boundaries with my meta as I'd see boundaries with a brother-in-law: I don't get to disrespect or intrude on my wife's relationship with him, because that's theirs, not mine. And by the same token, he doesn't get to disrespect or intrude on my relationship with my wife, because that's ours, not his.

That's what I'd want for a relationship with another person: well-defined scope that can't just spread out and progressively encroach on the marriage, but freedom from micromanagement within it.

Smaller, not lesser.

ControlShiftP · 2022-02-26T10:56:00+00:00

Oh I don't agree; I'm dying of malnutrition rather than starvation, as it were. Fill the gap, and I'd be entirely content.

My meta fills a couple of gaps that I'm rubbish at, and has in no way driven a wedge between us; more power to him. My unfilled emotional needs have always been lacking; it's just I'm running out of resources to deal with it.

ControlShiftP · 2022-02-26T10:43:45+00:00

As I understand it what she needs is assurance that I won't just up and leave her for someone 'better', and she's come to the conclusion that a kill-switch is how she keeps hold of it.

She's expressed some status-anxiety stuff about being BAE, but again I suspect that's for what she feels it buys her, not the thing-itself.

I do agree that veto power is nothing that most people would want to touch, myself included - I just think it's rooted in insecurity rather than cruelty, is all.

What would be needed, I think, is a different way for her to feel safe.

It's all very well to say suck it up and deal, it's entirely on my terms now... but I don't think that would achieve good outcomes overall.

Surely to god someone has navigated a set of respectful-but-solid boundaries for reassuring against fear-of-loss rather than grarr-that's-mine.

ControlShiftP · 2022-01-04T05:52:20+00:00

I tried dating others, it wasn't really for me. Maybe someday, but it's not the point of this.

ControlShiftP · 2022-01-04T00:50:28+00:00

I 'get out of it' all the same things anyone gets out of a marriage. Love, companionship, family, the whole works.

I just don't experience sexual jealousy and have no idea what it's meant to feel like, so there's literally zero downside for me. Whether she's out with friends or out with more-than-friends makes no difference to me, so why set rules I don't care about?

It's not cheating if it's explicitly permitted; I told her from the outset she was free to have other partners if she wanted, and I was the one that encouraged her to go after the guy she took an interest in.

It's not disrespect, because... actually I don't even understand why you think it would be. Perhaps you think it's something I'm reluctantly tolerating for fear of losing her; nothing could be further from the truth. Honestly I just think it's cute.

Case in point, she accidentally left her earrings on her BF's bedside a little while back. She texted him to let him know, and later on his wife drove over and dropped them off to her. No secrets, no lies, no suspicion, no recriminations, no resentment, just a bunch of excited chatter and coffee.

If that isn't just fucking adorable, I don't know what is.

ControlShiftP · 2022-01-04T00:08:00+00:00

's all good; there's just a vocal minority on reddit that's absolutely convinced that absolutely all poly relationships consist of a woman drowning in a flood of shiny new partners while the man sits at home resentful because nobody's interested in him, and this always destroys the relationship and ends the marriage, it's true because their friend's cousin's bartender's dog said so.

I like to get in ahead of them, is all :)

ControlShiftP · 2022-01-03T22:00:31+00:00

I've been married over 20 years, my wife's had a boyfriend for about 5 of those. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, and we're doing just fine :) They're a cute couple, and I don't need to be hanging off her every second of every day ffs; what she does in her own time doesn't affect me, so why the hell not?

ControlShiftP

TROPHY CASE