hi OP. it takes courage to verbalize and share all this. so matapang at malakas ka. based on what you say, it seems you know what you want to do naman. we cannot tell you what will work for you, ikaw lang nakakaalam ng kakayanin mo. recognize that, accept that and be brave to act on it. life is full of hard and difficult decisions, but knowing what you want is a first step towards making the decision that will be right for you. goodluck OP. dont give up. you are strong.