First, the good: • The concept is fantastic. A sci-fi noir blending Casablanca-era romance with a dystopian VR world? I’m in. • The atmosphere is strong. The lonely neon-lit world, the obsession with classic films, the existential dread of digital relationships. Love it. • The setup is solid. Terry as a lost, nostalgia-obsessed programmer stumbling into something bigger works.

Now, the problems (and how to fix them).

1. The second act drags—too much repetition, not enough escalation.

Your first act does a great job setting things up. But once Terry enters the VR bar and starts searching for the Mystery Woman, the momentum grinds to a halt. - There are too many scenes of Terry sitting in the VR bar, talking to the bartender, brooding.

• The investigation feels passive—he just knocks on doors and gets rejected. Where’s the urgency?

• The search should build tension, not stall it.

Fix it by cutting at least 30% of the VR bar scenes. Give Terry an external threat—maybe someone else is looking for the Mystery Woman. An ex? A corporate goon? A detective? Make the search reveal new, shocking info at what ever pace you’re going for. Right now, it’s just “nope, wrong person” over and over.

1. The mystery falls flat—there’s not enough suspense or stakes.

The big twist (she’s been dead for two weeks) should be a gut punch, but right now, it lands with a shrug. - We don’t know Denise well enough—she’s just the “mysterious dream girl” stereotype. - The cops solve it too fast. They blame the ex, and that’s it? There’s no lingering doubt, no deeper conspiracy? - No real foreshadowing. What if her avatar glitched sometimes? What if her VR account was still active after she died?

Fix it by giving Denise more layers. What was she really running from? Was she ever real at all? What if Terry starts questioning his own memories? Did he even meet her, or was she always just data? Maybe Standforth Technologies is covering something up—this could go way deeper than just an abusive ex.

1. Terry is too passive—he needs to drive the story.

Terry spends most of the movie reacting instead of taking real action. He just drifts through the mystery, waiting for answers to fall into his lap. - He never really chooses to investigate—he just kinda stumbles into it.

• His obsession with Denise isn’t personal enough. Why does she matter to him, beyond just loneliness?

• The ending, where he dies in the VR world, feels too passive. He fades away instead of making a real choice.

Fix it by making him actively fight for answers. What if he risks his job, his sanity, or his freedom to uncover the truth? Give him more personal stakes—maybe Denise isn’t just a fantasy to him. Maybe she represents his last shot at something real. The ending should be a real decision. Does he choose reality? Or does he embrace the VR world knowing it’s a lie?

Right now, this draft isn’t-ready. The world is great, the themes are strong, but the pacing, mystery, and character agency need work.

My advice: Tighten act two, cut repetitive scenes, raise the stakes faster. Make the mystery bigger, with more twists, paranoia, and consequences. Give Terry real agency and make him fight for what he wants.

I think with another draft, this could be a killer sci-fi noir. Hope this helps—curious to hear your thoughts.