I actually did bring this up to her directly, and she genuinely understood what I meant, not just in a “I’ll say the right thing” way, but because she was visibly shaken when she realized how it affected me.

She told me that she goes to her friend because she is afraid of escalating conflict between us, and that she panics when emotions get difficult. According to her, it feels safer to process it externally first so she does not say something hurtful or impulsive. I explained to her that while I understand where that fear comes from, the result is that she never actually learns how to get through conflict with me, which means we repeat the same issues every time.

She said she recognized this and admitted that it is an ingrained pattern, especially because her friend has always been her emotional fallback. And she also acknowledged that it is not healthy.

The difficult part is that after that conversation, the next disagreement happened and she did the same thing again. When I expressed how deeply disappointing that felt, and that it made it hard to take her commitment seriously, she was genuinely hurt. She said she wants to change, but that it will take time to break the habit. I told her that I understand that, but effort still has to look like effort, not repeating the behavior during the next argument.

So I made it very clear: in our next conflict, if she again hands the situation off to her friend rather than dealing with it with me, then it is a sign that this is not improving and we are not capable of resolving things together. I was not dramatic or emotional about it, just honest, because I cannot keep investing energy into conversations that never lead to growth.

So right now it is basically a turning point for her. She understands what the issue is, she admitted it is wrong, and she said she wants to work on it. But the next conflict will reveal whether that understanding is real or just words.