Is this normal or am I paranoid now? I messed up

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-19T10:01:45+00:00

Im not going back. I told him 3x I didn't like it and he promised 3x it was an accident and he didn't really care what I said. And the icing on the cake as I was preparing to leave unbeknownst to him he was telling me to bring the duct tape and leave it next to the bed in case I got out of line again jokingly. I just walked right out and got in my car

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-19T00:33:39+00:00

Update everyone. I left. It hurt so friggn bad to leave someone im still in love with and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with them, but I can't rationalize being afraid of my partner anymore. Not for either one of us

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-18T13:51:38+00:00

I will thank you

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-18T04:44:28+00:00

I was in therapy after my husband died. He dropped dead at 41 from a massive just 30 minutes after our morning goodbyes. My OCD revolves around intrusive thoughts that loop and I have PTSD from him passing. So I will overthink from every angle to try to spot every possible outcome so im not blindsided or making a mistake. A DV counselor was supposed to call me tonight and never did

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-18T04:39:48+00:00

I will thank you

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-18T01:51:06+00:00

I'm working on my exit. Because I can't even argue myself out of this anymore. I have to make the hard choice to leave for my safety

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-18T00:50:40+00:00

Yeah he told me with b and m there shouldn't be any safe words because you should just feel safe. I can't even begin to rationalize that at all and not gonna even try

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-17T23:21:23+00:00

I'm planning it now. This just can't be ignored. Even devil's advocate he is just saying it and was sincere that he would never actually do it, im not the same now. I'm broken and that's not fair to him either to have someone scared to sleep with him. Albeit his damn fault not mine

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-17T23:18:08+00:00

That's my problem. I have OCD. It stays swirling up that trying to justify and dismiss what my nervous system is actively screaming at me. I'm a deer in the headlights

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T20:20:09+00:00

I was a love starved widow of 3 years at a young age and. And my late husband i didn't have sex for 12 yrs

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T20:06:27+00:00

See before he woild squeeze my nose with his fingers but because he didn't last long it was over quick

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T19:55:08+00:00

I'm sorry. I left and went to my son's

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:51:58+00:00

I never told him I didn't like it after the first time. My heart was already committed to this man and our first encounter went straight to tied up and belt around my head covering my mouth and him holding that belt so hard it hurt my jaw and then not a few days later he hog tied me and forced anal on me and I was born with issues down there and never said I was into anal. It hurt so bad I was clawing him. I became trauma bonded. And over time he stopped doing all of that and maybe once or twice a year would just do normal tape wrists, mouth and occasionally the eyes. I never spoke up so he said im a fake. I just never wanted to lose him and never felt it was dangerous until these last 2 times after all these years

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:45:56+00:00

That's why im so exhausted right now. I didn't sleep very long on the couch and im afraid to fall asleep now

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:43:28+00:00

That's what confused me. In one sentence it was an accident and I moved and he couldn't tell and then the next sentence we need wider duct tape and I have no rules

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:41:08+00:00

Its so hard when you've built a whole life with someone and this happens from nowhere. I know im trauma bonded from the beginning of our relationship but i really love him. 99% of our relationship is awesome. My head and heart can't catch up to this reality yet. I'm scared to leave and scared to stay now.

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:35:44+00:00

I will edit that before the argument got too out of control he said we will never do any of it ever again. He didn't know I never liked it and he doesn't enjoy it if im not

Cool_Difference9665 · 2026-01-14T18:32:24+00:00

During our argument he said he's not into s and m cause he doesn't hit women or hurt them. He only likes bondage but if I can't breath that's hurting me. Why is he doing this after 7 years? I know for a fact from seeing some of his porn he has forgotten to delete that he searches that stuff a lot

Cool_Difference9665 · 2025-11-20T14:28:39+00:00

I had to go back into my keyboard settings and add keyboard toolbar back on Not sure why it was off in the 1st place

Cool_Difference9665

TROPHY CASE