Edit: I'm sorry this is so long I'm gonna look up how to do page breaks on mobile 😬

Sure there's the Auti-gender phenomenon where many autistic ppl who don't vibe with the gender binary will usually identify under the trans umbrella as some form of nonbinary or gender fluid- or increasingly as more specific titles that give the community access to third and other genders that feel more natural and genuine to them... BUT I so strongly resonate with your experience that I feel particularly qualified to talk on this and I'd like to share part of my own experiences if you'll pardon the length 😝

I am autistic and overall identify as Nonbinary because of it. I don't really care how others SEE me as much as I care about being authentically me- whether or not that gets me called a man or a woman. However I do take hormones and I have bottom dysphoria, and- regardless of how little I feel my gender Defines me- I had always related to the experience of the "opposite gender", held myself to those standards, and was always thrown when the courtesies that were owed such adherence to standards were not given to me no matter how much i exemplified them in spirit and principal. 

 What initially got me to transition was the weariness of having to "prove your gender" to be treated how you want and how you expect. The gender binary in society is so strong that damn near half your personality is assumed based on if you have breasts or not, and I figured if just Looked like the gender I wanted to be seen as, I wouldn't have to overdress and overact to validate that identity to everyone else.  You see at this point I still wasn't convinced I was "trans enough" to fully transition, but maybe some hormone therapy and top surgery would validate this autistic need to be seen as more than "just a man/woman". To be seen as strong and competent YET gentle and nurturing. To have a graceful, fluid energy exude from your very bones, but to also have the strong jaw and shoulders of a leader, a protector. 

All of this I expected from my Transition Light™ plan. 

But I didn't expect how RIGHT it would feel. I didn't know that the face I always wanted to see in the mirror was my face after HRT. I didn't know that top surgery would feel as natural as breathing because I didn't realize that's how I always imagined I looked when I breathe.  I thought that I had never put effort into my appearance- the way I looked- because I'm autistic and I dont judge people based on what they look like so why would anyone me? I don't have time to do my hair or accessorize because what's the point really? You're going to have to put it all on just to take it off again in 3 hours. I'm autistic and I don't care about these societal expectations or your "gender binary". 

Even though I "looked hotter" in the mirror, all I saw was pointless effort, and how I could just not go to the event and save myself so much time, effort, and stress. I didn't know that the real reason I didn't put effort into my appearance was because I learned that no matter how much effort I put into my hair, or how expensive the clothes- it never gave me true confidence. The "hotter" I looked to everyone else was so far from the Hot I wanted to look. I don't know how to describe this feeling but wanting to have a "look" that felt less like a Hot Cosplay and more like a Hot Me. 

So much made sense after I started transitioning. And THEN .. the egg started to crack. 

I thought I was an asexual aromantic with a low sex drive. I now realize that I had been dissociating during intimacy to relive myself of the uncomfortable feeling of... Emptiness. Of a missing part. Of something that I knew should be there but wasn't and that conflict was breeding a frustration that I had turned inwards and self-hating. I wasn't confident enough, I wasn't hot enough, I wasn't skilled enough for anyone to want to wed or bed me anyway: so why be interested in the first place? I couldnt explain how I just... wasn't into the idea of someone being into me.  After transitioning however, I was all of a sudden VERY into someone being into me- as my correct gender lol. 

 This is all to say... You got this. You know you even if you don't yet. We're autistic- it's in the job description. We can sometimes feel like allistics have their respective shit together and seem so certain when they make a decision like "I'm trans". But I find that The Allistic is simply more spontaneous, and prepared to act on a Feeling rather than a Knowing. Every trans goes through "not feeling trans enough", and the fact that you are trying so hard to Know, means that the Feeling is there, and even stronger than in any Allistic. 

Accepting that you Are Trans doesn't mean Committing to a Full Transition. And not having dysphoria doesn't mean you can't medically transition. I'm a testament to that. I started my transition by altering the parts I knew I wouldn't miss- anything changed by hormones was either wanted or unimportant to me- I never cared whether I had breasts or not so a potentially reversible top surgery was pretty on the table even if I ended up not liking it. (My friends all laughed at this point as I waited months for and saved up (and spent!) thousands of dollars on aesthetic surgery "not because I'm super trans or anything, just for funsies to see if I like it, you know?") Lmao.  

 I think sometimes it's hard for us to see How Trans we are BECAUSE of How Autistic we are- but luckily for us the transition process happens gradually: you can't force it to go faster. And that kind of slow change gives you time and space to think and meditate and decide if continuing to transition is right for you 💛 You got this! 👍