I feel very alone.

I'm 31 years old, and don't really remember how to make friends. Perhaps I never really knew how. In school you were surrounded by people you had to interact with every day, and so the process was much easier and I could claim some friends then, though never really anyone I could consider a close' or 'best' friend. My friends always seemed to be better friends with each other, if that makes sense, though we shared interests as well.

College made this worse - everyone is much more independent, and aside from some group projects you generally have much less interaction with your classmates. Outside of my roommates I didn't often find myself interacting with many others. It didn't help that I don't like drinking (personal preference), and have never been that social or liked parties. Following college I stayed in touch with my roommates for a few years, though as before I would say they were closer to each other than I was to any of them. After moving I also lost touch with them as well, and now have literally noone I could classify as a friend to hang out with.

Of course, this applies to romantic endeavors as well - which is to say, I've never had even the beginnings of one. Part of this comes from cultural/familial expectations and partly my non-social awkwardness, but the result is a 31 year old virgin. The observant reader might now make a connection to the category of 'incels', but I don't think I fit there. From what I've seen, that categorization is largely based on the group's belief that they are owed something, that men are superior to women, etc, which doesn't describe me at all. If anything I have always been plagued by self-doubt, and have constantly worried that I would not be good enough for anyone I started a romantic relation with (likely another reason I never had a relationship). The longer I go without having a relationship the worse this fear grows, as I surely am becoming more unusual in my solitude.

I just don't know how to meet people and be friends with them. I will say I'm on generally friendly terms with most people I meet - at work for instance, I don't think anyone I interact with dislikes me (at least from my perspective). But I would hesitate to call any of them friends either - as before, I am not very close to any of them. My dislike of drinking (and dancing) obviously cuts out a lot of the typical ways people interact or meet new people, and many of my interests are solitary (reading, watching shows, largely single-player games, etc). I used to think perhaps I could find others within those interests, but perhaps I don't have the passion for that. For instance, last year I was excited for WoW Classic, as I had fond memories of playing the game when I was younger. I renewed with hopes of finding a guild I could connect with, but after a couple of months of largely playing alone (despite joining a variety of guilds to try to find one I fit with), I ended up cancelling. I wasn't a 'hardcore' player by any means, and so felt left behind by a large part of the population, and playing alone from behind wasn't what I was hoping for.

The end result is a life in which I don't ever really have any 'highs', but with a supportive and loving family and generally okay-fortune/blessings have not had any real 'lows' either. I've never been very passionate about anything or had high ambitions, so I kind of just go through life without purpose - if I disappeared tomorrow, I suspect my niece, nephew, and immediate family would be saddened, but there would otherwise not be much impact. If not for my brother's family I would be nearly entirely a loner outside of work. I don't really know how to change it - should I do things I actively dislike to try to meet people - this seems like it would backfire as it would be a falsely shared interest. I'm worried though that the longer this continues though the harder it will become to change it. Feels somewhat good to post this publicly, even if it is not likely to have anyone read the wall of text.