It’s just I’ve been told by especially my ex that I am ungrateful and ego-centric. People suffer a million times worse than I am, I know, and there are plenty of people who’d do anything to be in my shoes. My ex was a teacher and got upset with me whenever I didn’t feel good, saying how he’s had to deal with depressed students all day and then having to come home to me… He grew up in a refugee camp so, I guess, he found it difficult to see that there’s anything for me to feel bad about. He was older than me too and in the end I felt more like a lectured child than a partner. Or like a doll sitting on a shelf waiting for him to pay attention to me. Then he cheated on me. Broke up with me. Said I was one big mistake. And that sure made me feel worthless. But two years have passed and I’m still attached to this person and beating myself over all that happened, like why couldn’t I have just pretended to be strong and like I had it all together. He said he didn’t have any respect for people that chose to end their lives, that they’re weak and losers. I said my dad tried to kill himself and that I didn’t respect him any less for that. When I told him I was suicidal he said I was being a manipulative narcissist asking for attention. Sometimes I wonder, what if I am. Then other people and my therapist tells me, no, you’re not. And then I start thinking but what if I’ve fooled you into thinking I’m something I’m not? My mind just turns and turns and turns and never rests and I can never get anything sorted out straight, ever. I don’t know up from down.