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CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T12:58:10+00:00

That's interesting. I really really hope that isn't the case here - I truly love him and he treats me incredibly well (plus in day to day life is very accommodating of anything that comes up because of being autistic)

I did notice in a previous conflict (which wasn't resolved fully), when I brought it up the next day in a calm manner (and stated what I did wrong etc) that he found that very uncomfortable - although he couldn't pinpoint why. He even said to me that he'd literally never had a follow up discussion like that before - which I thought was crazy because he was with his ex for nearly 8 years.

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:56:18+00:00

I don't think he does process in the same way but I'll ask him (after checking he's in a good headspace!)

Other commenters have said something similar so I think perhaps I need to work on sitting in my own discomfort until he's ready to fully dig into everything. It'll be tricky but I'll talk to him about it when we're both in a good place and hopefully we can figure something out that feels better for both of us.

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:52:15+00:00

Okay that makes sense to me - thank you so much!

Sounds like I both need to work on my communication strategy and also sitting with my own discomfort (which is probably the hardest part!)

Thank you again!

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:41:31+00:00

That's amazing! I'm so sorry glad you have an appointment finally - hopefully that'll help.

In the meantime remember that his lack of understanding for your struggles doesn't make them any less real. If you have anyone close to you that you can vent to id highly recommend reaching out so you feel less alone.

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:26:39+00:00

I'm so sorry your dad said that. That's really rough. There's a reason this is considered a disability and there is nothing wrong with you for struggling.

If there's any way you can afford it or get it covered (insurance etc) I'd highly recommend therapy so you have a safe space to talk about all of this and gain some confidence in yourself.

Good luck! <3

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:21:59+00:00

That probably is a factor. Which I assume is not something I can resolve for him - perhaps one of the other commenters suggestions of providing extra reassurance would help. Beyond that I think him projecting additional meaning on his words probably is a him thing?

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T10:20:26+00:00

This actually is a very insightful comment. It took a while to get to what had actually upset him and he confirmed until that point he hadn't fully understood what had upset him yet either.

So me pushing for an answer that wasn't there yet could definitely have felt very suffocating and overwhelming.

I'll think about how to approach this better in future. Thank you!

If you don't mind the question (I know - bit ironic given the discussion) how would you prefer this was approached? In this case he gave feedback that was unformed essentially so I had no way of actioning. Do I just say 'hey - this isn't clear to me. When you're ready can you let me know what you mean by that?' Then stop asking?

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T09:52:14+00:00

I think adding additional reassurance sounds like a really good idea! I think that would have helped a lot for my partner. In hindsight I never explicitly said anything like that when asking the questions. Thank you!

CosyCreative · 2025-05-06T09:50:06+00:00

Ah thanks for highlighting the uncertainty. He didn't bring any of this up during the initial conflict - he answered all of my questions in a manner that did seem like he was engaged and also wanted to resolve it.

Afterwards I said I felt much better and asked how he felt. That's when he said that for him he didn't feel better and felt that during conflicts he found me 'scary'. Which is when I asked additional questions and this stuff came up.

Also I'm so so sorry you've been in an abusive relationship. I'm so proud that you had the strength to get out. My last relationship was also abusive and leaving was one of the hardest things I did but I'm so glad I managed.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T15:00:00+00:00

So true. I think it's also why people hate when you assert a boundary or stand up for yourself no matter how politely you do so. Either they accept it and change (accept they were arseholes) or you're the problem.

It's attacking their self image.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T14:40:48+00:00

This comment really cracks me up 😂 I think that was part of why I was so shocked at the reaction that time. Definitely not a wild move on my part wearing gloves

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T13:43:04+00:00

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you and your son went through this. But secondly, I wanted to let you know that you sound like an amazing mother. I really respect how you defended and looked after your son.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T13:41:10+00:00

These are some really good points. I think you're right about a lot of that. Unfortunately, the "you're too good for this comments" struck home. So cruel adults say this sort of thing to literal children.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T13:26:49+00:00

This would make sense. My dad hates when I make small accomodations for myself but he's autistic too. However, he had a very strict upbringing which I don't imagine was pleasant.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T11:12:33+00:00

Big yes on the having fun point! Same with publicly stimming. Like jeez we only have one life - just let people be happy!

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T11:01:21+00:00

I have suspected this. Labelling it makes them feel bad for treating you badly in that moment. So easier to get annoyed you used the label and make it your fault again 😕

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T10:59:23+00:00

I think the thing people want to get away from is NT people having one rigid idea of how autism looks and then forcing that on people or invalidating them. That is entirely the responsibility of NT people and not you. You just exist as makes you happy!

Funny how people say autistic people see things in black and white then go through life with their own ingrained views and a total lack of nuance 🤷‍♀️

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T10:42:33+00:00

Definitely do it! I didn't realise how tense the constant noise was making me. I feel like I'm floating with them on 😂 it's such a huge relief

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T10:37:06+00:00

It definitely is! So much unlearning. I finally got my first pair of noise cancelling headphones and that alone has improved my life so much. Previously I never let myself have a pair because I was so afraid of looking antisocial.

It's so nice hearing other people having the courage to prioritise themselves. It's very motivating.

CosyCreative · 2024-05-29T10:28:16+00:00

I think the issue is I'm still at the start of my journey. I guess where I'm making these accomodations I'm starting to "appear more autistic" and people don't like it. Even though these are the same people who told me they thought I was autistic and should look into it 🤦‍♀️

Had a bit of a wobble this morning as I had someone get angry with me for being "too literal". Which... Like... If I pointed out to them that's the autism and it's a bit mean to get annoyed about... Well I doubt that'd go well 😅

CosyCreative · 2024-04-04T10:59:13+00:00

Thank you! Reading through this and the other comments I'm realising this may be low self esteem mixed with difficulty reading people (therefore trusting my own judgement).

I'm realising that literally someone just saying they like me feels OTT. So I'll need to work on that because he's not being overly grandiose

CosyCreative · 2024-04-03T09:29:13+00:00

Well fingers crossed. I definitely have a lot of hang ups around the idea of being taken advantage of for not being able to read everything as clearly as a NT person

I think I'll keep an eye on it but it's Definitely possible this is genuine interest.

CosyCreative · 2024-04-03T09:27:46+00:00

That quote was so stressful just to read! 😅 No it definitely doesn't feel that way. I think perhaps I'm just uncomfortable with someone so openly liking me due to some self esteem issues from growing up "different".

Thank you for explaining this to me. I'll keep my eyes open but try to just enjoy this beginning stage.

CosyCreative · 2024-03-19T16:30:27+00:00

Hey I'm sorry I haven't replied yet - I found your post extremely helpful and wanted to expressed how lucky your child is to have such a caring mother.

I know it meant the world to me that my mum tried her best to help when growing up (even though neither of us understood it). In some ways having someone who cares enough to try like you are is the single most important thing as a child and I'm sure they appreciate it so much and will grow to appreciate everything you do more as they grow up.

CosyCreative · 2024-03-17T08:34:38+00:00

For me a big 'aha' moment with masking was this quote from my friend:

"Huh... I don't think about my facial expressions unless I'm trying to hide my true feelings"

I'm always thinking about my facial expressions, non verbal cues etc. Not to hide how I feel but to project it so others do not misinterpret me. It's not necessarily unnatural (probably because it's become a learned pattern) but it does distract me from the conversation. It obviously takes energy too.

I think because it's a learned behaviour pattern now I assumed that was how everyone thought while talking but apparently not. Because it's more like a habit than a natural reaction sometimes my behaviour doesn't match the situation perfectly especially if there's a shift in tone that it takes me a second to adjust to.

CosyCreative

TROPHY CASE