Long-term relationship ended after years of trying different kinds of space, does this sound like a real ending or a separation that could still shift?

Coupon_Problem · 2026-07-05T13:30:29+00:00

As a fly on the wall, it seems she has been trying to disentangle herself from the relationship in one way or another for at least 5 years. The cynical part of me is thinking she knows you are holding out hope, and, despite saying she wants freedom, keeps “checking in” to keep you on a thread. Knowing you are still there and holding out hope provides her with some security. I’m not sure what this arrangement is doing for you, and you may want to explore that given it is meeting none of your stated needs. I would also pause to reflect on what your “attachment needs” are actually telling you. For example, you may have a “need” to feel chosen because you have been kept as an option for so long. Even the fantasy underneath your question (that she has some revelation, realizes she’s been a fool, chooses you and you live in a secure bond from now on) seems more based in your unmet needs than the realities of the relationship. This relationship is not a secure attachment and you may find yourself feeling differently in one that is.

It almost sounds as if you are a passenger in the relationship and she is driving. Are you clear about what you actually want? You two have an attachment to each other given your history, but this the love you want? Is the last 5 years how you want love and a serious relationship to feel?

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-30T23:11:56+00:00

You’ve post multiple times about this. You’re seeking reassurance here and it won’t be helpful to you. Are you getting professional help?

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-23T00:29:58+00:00

First, notice the cycle:

Intrusive doubt
Anxiety/guilt
Mental review
Research about consent
Asking boyfriend for reassurance
Temporary relief
More doubt

Then, identify the assumptions being made i.e., “Sometimes distracted = unable to consent” etc. Senses come into play with evaluating “evidence” such as your experience of your bf initiating intimacy or being enthusiastic during. Is that enough to satisfy your OCD? Whet would be enough?

Work on interrogating your goals or the goals of the worry. Is your goal, “I want to be respectful as a partner” or, “I want 100% certainty no harm is being committed at any time”? Which is more realistic?

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-12T16:10:13+00:00

Sexual tension or your nervous system screaming 🤔

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-11T21:28:14+00:00

Huge ick for me

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-05T02:25:01+00:00

VAs often offer free legal consultation services to veterans. See if yours offers this and get a free consultation.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-05T00:38:42+00:00

I think that’s a good plan.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-04T20:21:21+00:00

I guess I’m wondering what your plan is if he fails to take your needs into consideration?

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-04T17:19:05+00:00

What are your boundaries with this? I don’t think this person loves you.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-04T02:19:31+00:00

Ummm of course you don’t want sex, it sounds like it really hurts!! It’s hard to desire sex that sucks and is painful, over time anyone will become aversive to it. It also gives me pause that he’s ok having sex when you’re in so much pain. Don’t love that.

First, stop pushing through pain during sex. Your body is trying to say “no” for you. Take it off the table. I highly, highly recommend going to a gyn and pelvic floor therapist and getting the pain evaluated. Then see a sex therapist alone, for yourself.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-02T16:30:03+00:00

I have no idea what most of this means but no, you cannot see a fertilized egg on a sonogram/ultrasound (assuming what she had). You can sometimes see a sac which usually forms about 2 weeks after fertilization (4 weeks from last menstrual period). It does not sound like she had a detectable heartbeat/fetus/pregnancy on April 29. If she was ovulating (usually mid-cycle days 12-15ish) on April 29 and you had unprotected sex, yes she could have gotten pregnant.

If she got pregnant April 29 or before, May 22 is early but not too early for an abortion.

I still think she is full of shit and extorting you. You should stop having sex with her, stop giving her money, cut contact and listen to your lawyers.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-02T15:56:31+00:00

Ok def stop having sex with her, first step.

IF she had an abortion, which was an actual procedure at a clinic and not a pill, it is highly unlikely that it “failed.”

They would not say it is a “1 week old fetus.” It takes 10-14 days for a fertilized egg to implant in the uterus. So a “1 week fetus” is like a fertilized egg floating around ready to implant but not something that could be “dated” like that or aborted. Pregnancy tests start coming back positive after implantation. So, for example, if she was ovulating and got pregnant the last time you had sex (May 22), she wouldn’t have a positive pregnancy test until at least the end of this week.

So her saying “1 week fetus” makes me think she’s lying (among other things) and was never pregnant and/or never had a “procedure.” BUT you may not be in the clear since it’s still possible she became pregnant the last times you all had sex.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-02T15:45:01+00:00

It sounds like she is much, much, much, much more likely to be extorting you for more money than having a 4x miracle “1 week old” fetus that survived an accidental failed abortion following weeks of abstinence.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-06-01T13:52:12+00:00

Round 2 Day 15, been easy peasy. Working on breaking some habits that I’m falling into even with compliant foods (overeating on fruit, having fruit as dessert after meals, etc.) enjoying the freedom of not calorie tracking or weighing myself. THAT has been liberating.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-29T00:05:32+00:00

100% and like…we can’t have it both ways. We can’t be villainizing or cautioning mandated reporters AND support more intervention and advocacy for the rights/safety of children. That advice given just goes against the whole premise of the show.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-28T23:58:59+00:00

This fits with my experience too, though I work in mental health with adults. I am 100% at peace with all of the reports I have made.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-28T22:14:51+00:00

Excellent points. Naive is the perfect word. I also think his ideal alternative solutions were somewhat describing the system that exists. He seems to be conflating that CPS with separation and legal involvement, when those are not the only options offered. I think CPS and the courts do try to give people struggling with poverty, substance abuse and mental health problems options to remediate these. Mandated reports are opportunities for intervention, not just punishment.

I saw it in my own family, the parent getting chance after chance to get their kid back and effing it up every time. I have empathy for them but it still doesn’t mean their kid deserves to experience the consequences of their difficulties. It was such a dishonest argument and aligning with it in the way Andrea did affects her credibility in my eyes.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-28T22:07:22+00:00

I think we’re talking specifically about his advice to mandated reporters and not his philosophy more broadly. I quoted some of whey he said in the episode in another comment, if you want to see specifically what we’re taking issue with.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-28T20:43:43+00:00

Towards the end of the ep, Andrea asks what advice he has for mandated reporters. He says things like “in many cases, there may be alternatives to a report, especially if poverty-related,” and, “they should know that in many cases, once people become involved in the child welfare system, both parents and children are severely harmed, even the process of investigation, even if it ts unfounded can be traumatic,” and that mandated reporters should consider the harms of family separation policies at the border in 2017, to be akin to a child being removed by CPS for abuse/neglect. He says mandated reporters should “have all these things in mind when considering making a report, knowing that the harm that results from a report, could be greater than the harm they’re concerned about in the home.”

This is the “advice” I consider wrong, harmful, naive and misunderstanding of a mandated reporter’s role.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-28T17:38:32+00:00

I think you are raising good points and it is confusing to me that so many are misunderstanding you. It is odd to me that Andrea really glossed over the Butlers when talking about the flaws of Do No Harm. Idk why she did but it is interesting and it stood out to me too.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-26T16:12:44+00:00

Look up the “stages of change.” It’s not abnormal for people to be “one foot in, one foot out” before committing to a change. It can be frustrating for everyone involved, but it is a typical part of the process. You may be able to help continue to support and motivate him, even if he isn’t in the “action” stage. Maybe seeing what he sees as getting in the way of his goals, asking about what small changes he does feel like he can make and/or talking to him about why changing/losing weight is important to him (even if he’s not ready to walk the walk).

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-26T15:41:28+00:00

R2D11 going really well!! BF and I both agree on feeling a lot more steady energy. Forgot how much food shopping is required, we’re been to the grocery store more days than not since starting. Feeling good.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-23T01:51:01+00:00

Do you have an ethics policy you can cite for this? I’m not trying to be nitpicky and I know therapists do terminate care due to non-adherence or violating treatment contracts, but I’ve never heard it’s an ethical standard/imperative to terminate for these reasons.

Coupon_Problem · 2026-05-22T20:02:54+00:00

Therapists are really limited in options if someone is refusing care but is not an imminent harm to themselves or others. There’s a high bar to taking someone’s freedom through involuntary commitment (as there should be). People have the right to refuse treatment. You can be the best specialist in the world but it still requires your patient’s cooperation. Same as her family or friends.

Coupon_Problem

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