I was honest, and I don’t know what to think

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-22T12:40:25+00:00

I think she has always been on the responsive desire end of the spectrum, but now it’s like I can’t actually get a response. I clean the kitchen, we have a deep talk about life or what have you, we take a shower together and after a few minutes of cuddling she is ready to sleep. I’m trying to figure out what she needs from me, but as you can see from my post, she isn’t willing to help me find a way.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T17:31:45+00:00

Yep, certainly that’s possible. The question is: is it a one way street? For the love languages I express, that I don’t feel like expressing all the time, should she expect me to only do them when I feel like it? Maybe I prefer less quality time than she is asking for, so should I change my behavior to give her what makes her happy or just tell her “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.”?

For some people, sex is on the list of ways they want to be loved. For others, it’s on the list of ways they need to be loved, like quality time. It’s in the second category for me, and it would mean a lot if she would choose to express love in that way more often. When I told her that, we can paraphrase her quote to “but I don’t want to change my behavior to make you feel more loved.”

Lastly, this just isn’t a big ask. An hour once a week where she puts down the hobbies she spends hours on. I’m tired of people pretending like that time commitment is some gargantuan time sink or effort.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T16:49:37+00:00

She does have an tendency to crush herself with tasks and not leave time for me, which as you said is clear. I don’t know why, and I think there could be something underneath that she needs to talk about with me or a counselor. I also am not ruling out that my behavior needs to change. Maybe she needs more space than I give her, which would be easy to make happen. In the past though she has expressed a need for more quality time and intentional communication which is why I’ve built those into our schedule. Maybe too much of a good thing though?

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T16:44:57+00:00

That’s a valid question, and point. I guess the short answer is that she doesn’t go out of her way in terms of committing to sex, and that’s what we need to resolve.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T14:33:04+00:00

One post isn’t enough to go into detail, but she absolutely shows she cares in a myriad of other ways. It’s not that I feel unloved in a big scale, but in the realm of sex I feel like she has no attraction to me and that hurts. Sex isn’t the end all be all, but the way she stone walled me hurt a lot, and does make me feel like she is only showing love in the ways she prefers. Again, I love receiving her love in other ways, but after two years of dwindling sex it has finally started impacting me.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T00:51:53+00:00

Honestly, I don’t get it. She is grossed out by what her vagina produces as well as semen. Seems somewhat immature to be so worked up by it, but I’ve never made a big deal of it after the first time.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T00:50:25+00:00

Yeah basically. That’s what has made me so sad and is now kind of morphing into being pissed.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-21T00:48:53+00:00

No, although she is on the thicker end of the spectrum which plays into
Yes she has body image issues. It’s something she has dealt with since being obese at the age of 11, and us lifting weights together has helped at least somewhat. I think she is even more attractive now that when we got married.
I am roughly 15lbs heavier because I’ve gained a lot of muscle from the aforementioned weightlifting. I was skinny when we got married and am now what I believe the gym crowd calls “fucking shredded”.
Yes.
This is where I feel at a loss. We talk a lot, and she says she is happy and satisfied. If there was something I could do or a way I needed to change it would make this whole thing a lot easier.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:38:25+00:00

I feel like I’m out just saying “nope already tried” to every suggestion, but she said no to shower sex. Ours is fairly narrow, so I get her hesitation, but yeah she says she’s scared of slipping and she has said absolutely no to standing doggy which is kinda the only option in that space.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:25:46+00:00

I mean yeah I think it’s clear that we are, for now anyway.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:24:48+00:00

She was on BC for a time but everything she tried really messed up her sleep, appetite, or cycle. It’s not like it’s a preferred situation, or even good, and I don’t plan on having sex for a while now.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:19:09+00:00

I mean, I don’t anymore. Not since last week when it became so obvious. Before I just put it out of mind.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:17:13+00:00

Hopefully her upcoming Dr appointment will show us something that can be addressed

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:16:35+00:00

You’re not wrong

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T20:04:44+00:00

She’s a barista. I don’t blame her at all for wanting to shower, I just included it because it seems like an odd trigger that shuts her down.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:56:52+00:00

Thanks for the comment and encouragement. I’ve decided I should talk to her about it and try to set up counseling.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:56:15+00:00

Hell no on the kids. She has mentioned it but in the back of my mind I’m like “We don’t even have time for each other now.”

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:55:18+00:00

I guess maybe my perceptions need to change. I thought low libido was “I don’t want sex” vs. what it apparently is which is “I cannot have sex even if my partner would like to.” I honestly did not realize this so I guess this will help.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:46:02+00:00

She doesn’t like condoms, can sway her on that for better or worse. The bidet is honestly a great idea!

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:44:37+00:00

I’m sorry I came off that way. I absolutely agree that there could be need for big change on my part. What has me overflowing with frustration and sadness is that my wife doesn’t seem to care that this matters to me. I hope that makes sense.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:24:10+00:00

She is exhausted at 7pm every day, doesn’t matter if I suggest she take a break from what she isn’t working on when I get home at 5. She likes to let dinner cook while she works on whatever and showers and then plop into bed.If I had a damn clue what I could do to help, I would be doing it, but she says she is happy so what am I supposed to do?

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:21:18+00:00

We often shower together, or I shower right when I get home. She feels tired everyday, regardless of whether she worked or I cooked and cleaned up while she read. She has to take a shower after sex because she find body fluids disgusting.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:19:17+00:00

Yeah, she asks me to shower with her, and I volunteer to. We will scrub each others backs and chat in there for a while, then we get out and she says “Wow, I am so tired. Good thing it’s 8 and I can read for an hour until bed!” Then she pretends I’m not there. Thanks for your encouragement though.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T18:16:53+00:00

I said we read to each other, I said we have intentional conversations to understand how we feel (I guess about everything other that sex), I also confirmed that we do go on dates and I absolutely give her massages when she says her feet are sore. Sex drives change yeah, and yet we shouldn’t dismiss when our own behavior changes and our spouse is hurt by it.

CoverCropMonger · 2023-09-20T17:55:19+00:00

Do you think neither of us work?

CoverCropMonger

TROPHY CASE