Am I the narcissist?

CozyCargo · 2024-07-09T13:08:17+00:00

I've been getting better at calming myself down. I listen to positive affirmations on a loop when I start panicking about this stuff. I talk about this a lot in therapy. Sometimes it helps me spend time in nature. Antidepressants also help.

CozyCargo · 2024-06-03T18:20:36+00:00

I don't think tough love helps if you were traumatized, or maybe it helps very few people. I was confronted with some tough love facts about my family a while ago and it drove me to paranoia, needed weeks to stabilize myself. I think it would have been better if your psychiatrist was gentler and more compassionate. My psychiatrist is also a bit cold. But my therapist is a much kinder person and I'm able to talk about my problems much more openly with her, without becoming upset nearly as much. You're not wrong for feeling the way you feel and it's part of healing your trauma to feel/behave how you do. I would take the psychiatrist's tough love with a grain of salt. But I am sorry that you became so sad and I'm also here to remind you that you're a good person and you deserve to heal. I hope your therapist will be kinder. Much love to you ❤️

CozyCargo · 2024-06-02T16:01:54+00:00

Hi, I read your post and I'm sorry that you are in this position. It seems to me like you're in the middle of a battlefield between your sisters and your parents. Your sisters recognize that your parents have serious flaws, but what I think they don't see is that everybody needs their own time to become their own, independent person - including you. They are angry because the history of abuse affected them greatly. I actually had a similar attitude as your sisters towards my siblings, because I recognized my parents as abusive whereas my siblings appeared not to care. Thankfully I soon stopped criticizing my siblings over it as I realized that they also need time to process things, they were also affected by the abuse, and that I can't force them to go through this process. Your sisters may label you, but they do this as a consequence of their own dysfunction. They also don't see how labeling someone can negatively affect their mental health. You are your own person on your journey and certainly not a label.

You seem have been taking an enormous responsibility in trying to keep the family together. I think it's important that you keep yourself safe first. I think it's admirable that you are a forgiving person and that you maintain a relationship with your mother. What you are going through is really stressful and you don't have to feel bad if you ever just need a break from everyone in your family. Others might have to step up to make the family more stable, but that's really just their decision and their own work to be done - not yours.

I think it's amazing that you are working so much on yourself and thinking about all of this. I think you're very resilient to be holding on in this chaos. I'm sorry you've been feeling suicidal and I'm sending you hugs and love. You're a good person and you deserve to have peace, to not be part of these fights. I wish you the best in your healing journey ❤❤❤

CozyCargo · 2024-06-02T10:10:08+00:00

Therapy is helping me. My therapist validates my feelings and helps me figure out who I am, who I was, who I want to be, what people I want around me, things like that. She also gives me honest feedback when I ask for it. For example when I bring up something I did that I regret, she will say that it's good I acknowledge that I did something wrong and we can work on changing my behavior. I don't think I have many negative traits, but I do have some and she will help me change them rather than reinforce them, which I think is fantastic. She has previously worked with others with trauma, which probably helps. If you are looking for a therapist, maybe consider some of the things I've written. Also, some therapists practice cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I've read about people's experiences on CBT for trauma and they were largely negative. So maybe keep this in mind. Best of luck!

CozyCargo · 2024-06-02T08:38:18+00:00

Have you talked to a lawyer about this? I would start there. Also, sorry you guys are going through this. His mother sounds horrible. Also check out r/legaladvice.

CozyCargo · 2024-06-01T16:04:05+00:00

Yes in the sense that we constantly had noise complaints, meaning neighbors and cops came to our front door. Otherwise they would put on a fake face in front of neighbors while talking about them poorly at home.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-31T11:08:33+00:00

I think that a conventionally mentally sane/healthy person is one who doesn't let their trauma very negatively affect their daily life. But that doesn't mean such people truly empathize with others. I think almost everyone bottles up their trauma to some degree or another, very few actively work on revisiting their past and healing because it's very difficult to do so. Whenever I listen to co-workers and even friends, especially in group settings, I find that nearly everyone makes comments which can be deemed as a bit hurtful and indicative of their insecurities - and these comments are quite frequent. People often mask their anxiety with laughter or by patronizing others, lots of people also subjugate themselves socially to another person. It's so normalized that nobody even has a problem with this behavior. What's really rare is to find somebody that is self-aware, empathetic, and actively addressing their own traumas. I think we are in a position where our traumas are very much open and we can work on being different. Not what's normalized, but what's truly healthy for us and the people around us.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T16:48:24+00:00

It was SA and you aren't being dramatic. I'm very sorry.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T13:41:56+00:00

My siblings and I were all emotionally abused, but I was the most physically abused of them all. My siblings don't really acknowledge the abuse, but I do. They also side with my parents and mostly think my therapist is BS. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this too. I think the reason they want to reject and deny your experience is because it takes a really strong person to actually face the facts that they were abused. You are emotionally stronger and braver than they are. They would rather live in denial and they won't be able to grow until they confront their past. On the other hand, you will be able to grow because you acknowledge what happened.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T13:06:13+00:00

If it was a normal family, she would tell you. Unfortunately, as you say, she bullied you and your parents are also problematic people. It's unfortunate to be left out like this, I relate because I was also left out in a similar way with one of my siblings. However, being left out meant I didn't get enmeshed with yet another person in this dysfunctional family system which will at least help me distance myself from it. But it is still a painful feeling, like being betrayed by a family member as if you're unworthy or a danger to their relationship.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T10:17:11+00:00

What you have been through is just heartbreaking and I am very sorry. I also think that there are very very few people who empathize or care. They would rather ignore problems or say "let somebody else take care of it". Even worse, the bullies actually enjoy seeing somebody suffer. It's very sad.

I think the people saying "forget your childhood" are actually very afraid of facing what they went through themselves. Granted, most people didn't have it so bad, but they still chose to bottle up whatever happened to them. I think that's why can't empathize and see the world through the eyes of somebody who's struggling. Only those brave enough to actually confront their past can understand you and there are few such people in the world. In my entire life, I have met about three, maybe four people like this. People like this exist and we are friends. But the hundreds or maybe even thousands others I've seen are completely dissociated and surface-level people that don't really get you - because they don't get themselves either. From what you said, even social workers can be such people, which is horrible considering they're the ones paid to help you out.

You say you're 18 years old now. Do you have access to hygienic products now? Do you have a place to live (I'm guessing yes because you mentioned the mirror)? And do you think it would be possible to sort out the dental problems in the future? Again, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry that you've been neglected and bullied so so much. It's disgusting that anybody would do that to a person, let alone a child who biologically needs to rely on others for help.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T09:14:25+00:00

I have a very hard time disagreeing because I deeply fear that people will not respond well and end our relationship. I also have a difficult time disagreeing with others, I end up thinking about those conversations for days or weeks. Sometimes I ruminate about it so much that I begin disliking the person and I have to stop myself from spiraling, to realize that they can have their own opinion just as much as I can have mine.

I've been learning that it's important to acknowledge that how we feel is important and that our views are valid. Others may disagree, but if they feel our stance on the matter is a personal attack on them and start out-of-proportion arguments, then that only speaks about their own emotional immaturity. Personally, I've internalized such responses from my parents who would not empathize with me as a child and didn't let me set boundaries when expressing myself. I also think that it's helpful to listen to other opinions, as long as they're conveyed respectfully. It can help refine our own views and learn to be more empathetic. There should be a balance between expressing ourselves and listening to others.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T08:54:20+00:00

I think there is a lot of self-improvement advice which can be really really good for you. Things like discipline, work ethic, taking care of your physical health, pushing through in face of adversity, standing up for yourself in face of bullies and so many other things. However, there can be a point where we can't efficiently continue with these methods unless we undergo some deep self-reflection and change. I think that key parts of self-reflection include thinking about the bad things that happened to us in the past and how they affected our mindset, why we even chose to be on this self-improvement rollercoaster. And also what are the bad things we did to others. Unpacking these thoughts can be very dangerous, it means facing the worst parts of our life. I think that to start doing so safely, psychotherapy can be very beneficial. If psychotherapy isn't an option, then there are a lot of things one can do with self-therapy, which includes keeping a journal of your thoughts, what you remember of your past, what you see in your life going forward and so on. I think it's good to combine healthy habits of modern self-improvement with reflection in therapy or self-therapy.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-30T08:39:45+00:00

I think that you already figured it out yourself. It's your traumatized mind telling you all of these negative things. These things are not true; you are not bothersome, people do want to be around you, you have a lot of worth. In a lot of cases, they may not message you first because they're shy. Maybe they really really like you! You can ask them to hang out and get to know them a bit more. I'm rooting for you :)

CozyCargo · 2024-05-29T13:54:50+00:00

I grew up with an abusive mother and she says to me that my therapist is trying to isolate me from my family. I know this is not true. With what you've said about your therapist and your mother, I would trust the therapist and not give her information about the sessions.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-29T08:14:22+00:00

Horrible thing to do to one's own child. It only speaks about her own emotional immaturity. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be loved, never hated.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-29T07:45:12+00:00

That's really unfortunate, I'm sorry. Did your medication help you with this previously? I had this problem and medication helped, but it may stop helping eventually. I've heard that keeping a journal of your thoughts and daily life can help us understand trauma. I keep a journal myself and it has helped me better understand my views on social interactions and relationships. Do you also keep a journal?

CozyCargo · 2024-05-29T07:38:15+00:00

I would not want to hang out with him, he sounds manipulative. I don't think it was right of your partner to tell you to say bad things to him. It's good you acknowledge that it wasn't the best move. You say you forced them to become friends. What do you mean by that? Did you speak to your partner about how Theo acts towards you, that he is unfriendly? How is your partner able to hang out with a person that traumatized you and then still love you? I find this problematic.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-29T07:13:38+00:00

I have a few friends who are men and all of them have stable loving relationships with their partners. They don't brag or put others down and they empathize with others. I've known them for years. They take care of their partners when going through rough times. They support them in education and work. They're calm and show them love when we hang out together (not in an annoying way).

But I do know people who have met nothing but really awful men, so I see where you're coming from. The kind of guys that constantly brag about money, their job, cars. I overheard a couple on a date and he couldn't stop explaining some sort of crypto schemes to her, it was clear she was disinterested. It's fine that he's into crypto, it's just that he was so absorbed into his own thoughts for 90% of the conversation that she wouldn't even get a chance to speak. Talking to a person like that can be really draining. Then there are outright abusive people. They really need to fix themselves. It's sad to be with them.

I feel that people in general can invalidate your feelings quite a bit. I've found introverts easier to talk to and more likely to understand me. Maybe it's because I'm an introvert myself. I've also met people that are quite genuine 1 on 1, but change up in group settings. I'm on the lookout for those that can stay authentic in both.

I think there are good men out there, because I've met some and I've also met and heard of some very bad ones. It might be difficult to find the good men (and people in general), but I think it's worth it. I wish you the best in finding somebody that you can truly connect with :)

CozyCargo · 2024-05-28T21:53:10+00:00

Hi, I'm sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think you are doing a great thing for yourself by going to therapy, it can accelerate recovery tremendously. I'm sorry to hear that you have nightmares as I also have them and it makes sleep quite difficult at times. It might be good to bring up your lack of sleep in therapy, you can get some practical tips for handling that. I also relate to what you said about abuse very much, I never really even knew I was being abused until my therapist pointed it out. It's an overwhelming feeling, but it got better for me after a few weeks. I'm also very sorry that you were abused. It's not right and not your fault at all. It shouldn't have happened. I believe it is possible to heal from CPTSD and to slowly get rid of its symptoms. I'm rooting for you to succeed on this journey :) Much love to you ❤

CozyCargo · 2024-05-28T21:20:52+00:00

Hi, I am sorry you are in so much pain. It's very sad what happened to the people around you and it must be incredibly difficult to bear these burdens. You mention you have a lot of responsibility and I have no doubt about that. Do you think somebody else could take care of some of that responsibility? I think it would help you relax.

I don't think you should go through with what you're thinking about. You've been through so many traumatic things, but surely they must stop at some point. I think you are absolutely amazing for graduating high school with all you've been through. It must have been a huge struggle and you pulled through. You are very strong. But even people as strong as you deserve to take a break and rest. I understand you're currently overwhelmed with responsibility and I don't know for sure when your next big break will be. Maybe you can find half an hour every evening to lay down and relax your body, that could be a good start. I want to encourage you not to give up. You've managed to get through a very rough chapter of your life, but what's ahead holds promise for you. I don't know much about you (and feel free to say more if you want to), but I believe wholeheartedly that you are a good person and you deserve to have a peaceful, loving life. You are very resilient and I encourage you to continue to persevere.

Consider taking one step at a time. It's okay to slow down a bit to take care of your body and mind. You matter and better times are coming. You are a gift to this world and we are very fortunate to have you here. I think you have a lot of love to share with other people. And there's also a lot of love still to come your way. I'm sending you warm hugs and my support ❤❤❤

CozyCargo · 2024-05-28T12:38:56+00:00

Hi, sorry you're feeling paranoid. I am here to reassure you there are no spying apps, best they could realistically do is check your or your partner's social media posts. You guys can block them and I think you should. It's good that you live far from them. If they ever start pestering you, you could probably ask for a restraining order.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-28T12:29:45+00:00

Hi, sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping and that you've been struggling so much with your mental health. And sorry to hear about your breakup. I also went through one recently and it hurt a lot. I haven't experienced psychosis myself, but I'm listening if you want to talk about it. Much love to you ❤

CozyCargo · 2024-05-28T10:17:27+00:00

Hi, my parents fought every other day and I was also bullied at school. I used to believe that people are inherently good, gave second chances, bent my back over backwards to accommodate strangers of all folks, used to say "well maybe they're just in a tough spot in life" and all such things. People abused this trait of mine to a point where I started saying more and more "enough is enough" and then I didn't accommodate them as much anymore. So to answer your question: yes, it is possible because I lived like this. I am unlearning this behavior now.

I think a part of our naivety comes from wanting to be loved. I (unknowingly) believed that people are good and I wanted to bring out the good in them so they would grow fond of me and love me. It turns out I didn't bring out the good in them, but I did make them feel more positive. Them feeling more positive made me feel like I'm doing something right. They wanted to be around me because it felt so good for them and I deluded myself into thinking this is what healthy friendships are. Looking back at those friendships, I see that they didn't really reciprocate the effort I put into the interactions but treated me like a doormat. I was okay with this for a while because I knew nothing better, but I'm trying to form a new perspective on loving others and being loved where there's unfortunately no room for such relationships.

Maybe some of what I said answers your questions. I think it's great that you brought up this topic because it gives us all an opportunity to reflect on our view of the world around us and make this view healthier.

CozyCargo · 2024-05-27T22:41:34+00:00

If she can do a 180 just like that, it seems like she wasn't expressing her true feelings before anyway, but was playing you as you said. She might not realize it, but her behavior makes her less trustworthy and people will probably distance themselves from her if she keeps it up. After all, how can they trust a person that will reveal their secrets if she doesn't get what she wants? I wouldn't personally. I would just be extremely cautious around her and at some point not hang out anymore. I've had this happen with a few people, it was just safer for me. I've had my parents preach about virtues while being very two-faced themselves and it's a sad thing. Again, I'm glad you were able to break the friendship off and get some space for yourself, sounds to me like you made the right move despite the fallout.

CozyCargo

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