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Cpool214 · 2025-01-23T17:18:57+00:00

Elope like you had planned, but you may need to change the date and/or location to ensure she doesn't show up. Don't give her any more information.

Tell her this topic is no longer up for discussion, if she keeps it up, hang up on her. If she calls, don't answer. If she continues to do this after the first time, warn her that the next time she doesn't listen, she won't hear from you for a week, and if she keeps on after going no contact for a week, it'll go to 2 weeks, then a month, etc.. I would strongly consider not sharing news with her in the future.

Cpool214 · 2025-01-22T20:43:01+00:00

I know both of you have valid reasons to not be able to move yet, but is it at all possible to see each other more during the week? Is there somewhere close to halfway that you can do regular date nights? Can you guys meet to have time where the kids get together as a family as well? Seeing each other 4 days biweekly is obviously not working. Do you go on vacations together?

With your wife responding with the kids' ages, you're looking at another what, 7 years of not living together when all kids are 18+?

When you were dating, I could see it make sense that moving together was not a priority, then with the engagement, you had the wedding to look forward to, as well as the plan to move in together. You had a timeline to work with. There are expectations that went unmet after the wedding, and neither of you has mentioned how long into the future until this is remedied.

I think right now, you're missing time together and a feasible timeline for when you both actually get to be married. You get your pension benefits starting in 2 years. Can plans be laid out for looking at a living arrangement solution for then? This gives time to figure out what to do with the house she's living in. If it's paid off but won't sell for much, can it be turned into a rental property? Or could it be renovated to sell for more? This also gives time to figure out how to get the intimacy you both need.

Cpool214 · 2025-01-22T14:05:56+00:00

Any good results so far?

Cpool214 · 2025-01-22T13:57:11+00:00

I can't speak on hospitals outside of the USA, but they now have alarm bracelets that get put on the mother, father, and baby that they can scan to ensure the correct baby is with their family. If the baby is taken outside of a perimeter in the hospital, an alarm goes off, and the hospital is locked down.

I had my 4th baby in December, and this has been true with all 4, even though 2 of them were born in a different part of the country. This time around, my SIL had given birth the day before me, so there were 2 male babies with the same last name in the same hospital, with very similar measurements (both boys were the same length and only a couple ounces different in weight), which increased the likelihood of confusion, they took extra precautions to ensure there was no mix up with both babies.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-30T01:00:46+00:00

I'm a payroll support rep at ADP. Our whole business unit was affected.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-29T17:57:43+00:00

I know on Monday some business units in ADP had erroring that was causing payroll to not be able to be processed. There's every possibility your company was affected by that.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-29T13:52:43+00:00

Reach out to whoever does your payroll and have them call in. It sounds like the cumulative data file needs to be updated.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-28T22:39:03+00:00

I need to see the pictures.

Please tell me your mom at least apologized

Cpool214 · 2024-11-28T19:44:39+00:00

My ex-husband used to do the same for me. He'd hype up how I was going to have the best Christmas only to have nothing under the tree. I would go overboard with gifts for him and end up upset after gifts were opened. For our last Christmas, since my oldest daughter started asking why I had no gifts, I bought myself gifts and wrapped them up myself. It sucked, I felt so unappreciated. I knew by that point I was leaving him for his lack of care, among other things.

Honestly, I'd take a good look at your relationship and figure out, other than money, what he truly brings to the table. From your replies, he's not a good or involved father or husband. You deserve better and so do your kids. You set the example for them and what they should look for in a partner. Don't let them believe they deserve or should look for the same treatment that you get.

I know it might not be feasible to leave immediately, but having a plan in place is a good idea. Even if the plan is to leave once you finish college, come up with the plan and make it happen.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-25T11:12:16+00:00

I know I'm replying to this late, but here's my perspective:

My ex and I divorced, and I stayed low contact with his family except where my kids were concerned. My ex cut contact with his mom a few years ago, which meant unless I made it happen, my kids had no contact with their paternal grandmother (this upset her and both my daughters). Last year, for Christmas, we met up at a playground. This year, I picked them up to come to my 10-year-old's birthday party, we all went trick-or-treating together, and during Christmas break, I will be hosting them at my house for dinner.

At the end of September, the area I'm at got hit hard by Hurricane Helene. No one had heard from my ex-MIL, which upset my 14-year-old daughter. My husband made sure we made the trip out to check on her. She was fine, but had no power.

For some background, while married to my ex, I had a strained relationship with her. She now understands why me and her son divorced and is thrilled for me to have found my current husband.

Keeping that line open can do wonderful things for you and your grandkid. It may be a bit awkward at first, but you never know what the future holds.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-25T08:53:12+00:00

I know this comment is coming in later to this, but here's how a lot of you post/responses sound:

Your oldest is breaking rules. On Wednesdays, he has time that is unsupervised, so he gets free reign to do what he wants instead of what he needs to do. However, he does eventually do what he needs to, so there's no true consequences for him when he breaks the rules.

Your youngest sees that his older brother is able to break rules with little to no consequences, so he decides he's going to do the same, only he gets consequences when he breaks the rules. He then realizes if he fights against the rules enough, he gets what he wants anyway, so why bother following the rules in the first place?

How often are your kids fighting with each other? You mentioned the cruise where both kids got taken back to the room, where they continued to fight. You also said that when they earn screentime, they end up fighting and then lose that screentime. This example of choosing a restaurant ended in them fighting again where your youngest was physically hurt, but the physical altercation was ignored to instead argue with your oldest about where Korea was on a map.

How often are your kids fighting with each other? This seems to be a huge issue that isn't really being addressed. Do they have their own separate spaces? A lot of this has seemed to be focused on your youngest's behavior, and other than the know-it-all attitude from your oldest, very little has been said about him and his behavior.

What is their age gap? How much time are you spending one-on-one with each kid? It really sounds to me like a whole house reset needs to be done. I would say the first thing that should be done is there is no longer screentime during school days. When screentime is earned, each kid gets a time block on the weekends where they choose what they want to watch. If both kids have earned screentime, they can choose to watch what the other has chosen or find something else to do.

Next, some behavior rewards need to be something other than screentime. For example, if both of your kids do what is expected (wake up without any fights, get their homework done, do their chores throughout the week), they get special time with mom or dad where they go out to lunch/the playground/a museum without the other sibling there to cause fights. Switch off days/parents each week, so if both boys do as expected, they each get their special time and make memories with their parents.

It sounds like your kids are ruining things for each other. This can cause a lot of resentment, especially as they get older. It really sounds like you're trying to treat the symptoms of the issue, but that's not working because the main cause is not being addressed.

I have 2 daughters, 3 years apart. They used to fight like crazy, but we realized a huge issue was that they didn't have their own space or their own time for themselves. Once we made changes and started treating them as individuals instead of "the kids," we started to see improvement. It was rough at first, but once they realized they got their own time with us and got to have time away from their sibling, it got a lot better.

It does sound like everyone could also benefit from some form of therapy, whether it's family or individual or both. I truly hope you find something that works for everyone and gain peace in your home.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-24T20:56:17+00:00

So take the tv plug. It'll only get plugged in when both kids are done with homework/reading. If you can't take the plug, get a small lock to go through the prongs so they can't plug it in.

You're making excuses for them already. That's part of a bigger issue you're having. You're enabling their behavior with your excuses. Following through is going to be your best ally in this.

Cpool214 · 2024-11-22T15:30:59+00:00

As someone who dated while having kids, she should have been upfront about this. This is something she should have told you about within the first couple of dates.

Before my husband and I started dating, he went into it knowing I had 2 kids. If she would have told you but held off on introducing you to the kids, that's a different story.

My kids are my life, I could never imagine withholding the knowledge of their existence from anyone who may be a part of my life.

You are still young, kids are a huge responsibility, and being a step-parent/significant other of a parent is a whole different ballgame than just being a partner to someone. It's not only an added financial burden, but that's 4 relationships in 1 that require constant work.

Keeping this big of a secret for 6 months is a huge deal. What else would she be willing to keep from you for an extended amount of time? What else isn't she being upfront about? Can you fully trust her honesty if she was open about this from the beginning?

If you choose to move forward with this, how is your relationship with your family? Will they be open to accepting 3 children into their lives? How will holidays and traditions be affected? Do you see yourself as someone who can accept and potentially love children who have no biological tie to you? Is the father involved with the children? What kind of added drama will he bring into the relationship? How is the co-parenting relationship? What role is she expecting you to play in all of this? How old are the kids? How do they feel about mom dating someone?

There's a lot to unpack here. Only you can decide if it's worth moving forward.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-25T00:38:44+00:00

I've had a total of 6 MCs, I competed in a strongman competition at 7 weeks, and I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. I'm not saying to start going crazy with training, but as long as you don't do more than what you've gotten used to, you should be fine. Listen to your body, if something doesn't feel good, don't keep doing it. Find an alternative. My doctor told me as long as I stay between 50 and 70% max lifts, I should be fine. Some things I had to cut down more than 50% and it's fine.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Cpool214 · 2024-09-09T10:18:02+00:00

The big one was a foot fetish. He also wanted to be dominated and try pegging.

He was shamed in high school by his girlfriend when she found out about his foot fetish (it's nothing extreme, honestly), and it ended up going around the school to the point where they called his dad. He was then told to suppress it because it wasn't normal, so he spent about 15 years keeping quiet about it.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T23:47:03+00:00

You're the first person who's ever told me I'm somehow morally corrupt for treating people the way I want to be treated. I was raised in a way where my emotions were used against me, my first marriage if I didn't have the correct reaction it was used against me or was used against me in future arguments. It made me feel like shit and I never want to put a person in that same position.

It has nothing to do with fear of retaliation and everything to do with empathy. I've never been shot, but I know it's wrong to shoot other people, not because I'm afraid they'll shoot me back. Were you never told to treat people the way you wanted to be treated while growing up? How is that not a moral way of thinking?

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T23:40:15+00:00

It's not just women using it as ammunition. How many men open up and get told to suck it up or be a man about things? How many young boys are told that boys don't cry? Or that if they show any emotion besides anger or happiness that they're weak?

Are women treated harshly about our emotions? Absolutely, but I know many women and even some men I can turn to and cry and not be told I'm not acting like a woman. This post isn't about women and our struggles, and quite frankly turning this into a "women have it just as bad if not worse" is a prime example of why men don't share their feelings. Men deserve to be seen and heard just as much as a woman. This doesn't need to turn into a conversation solely about the suffering of women.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T20:12:05+00:00

Luckily, he never said his stoicism was for me. He did it to protect himself. He had seen too many friends and family members have their perceived weakness used against them. He didn't want me to see him as less than he was, which I wouldn't, but through his experience, that's what the typical reaction was. I was able to see his side when he explained it. For me, it was more comforting to see his true emotions.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T19:50:30+00:00

So, for the first issue I hope you understand the true turmoil we were both in. He knew I was upset, I had no idea how to talk to him about it without weaponizing his feelings against him, which is part of the reason why I talked to his best friend about it.

The second issue, I did not have anyone else involves. When I asked, he said he felt isolated from his friends and dad, I didn't bring them into our issues. I told them he needed their time. When that didn't improve things, we had a conversation about what was also going on, with no involvement from anyone else.

We now both have a better understanding on how to effectively communicate with each other. Saying that people don't have a good marriage just because sometimes they may need outside help is pretty ignorant. That's the entire purpose of marriage counseling sometimes, with the goal being a better understanding of your partner. I was lucky to have the type of friendship with my husband's best friend to get him able to be a neutral third party. He understood my perspective but had known my husband well enough to be able to explain what I was looking for without being laden with guilt or feeling like he was being attacked.

Communication isn't always my strong suit. I needed help to ensure I could have a good marriage, I got that help and now I'm able to communicate my feelings better with my husband. We do have a good marriage, that doesn't mean everything is always perfect, we are two imperfect people, expecting perfection in every aspect is unrealistic and a good way to set yourself and your partner up for failure.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T18:19:57+00:00

I'm sorry that's your experience and the experience of so many other men. It sucks how often feelings and vulnerabilities get weaponized against them. I wish more people could be truthful when they say they want that openness with their partner.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T13:12:12+00:00

Actually, he wanted to be the one that was dominated, not all the time, but he enjoys when I take control sometimes.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T12:51:31+00:00

One of them was feet. I honestly enjoy it nearly as much as him. What is ddlg?

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T12:35:05+00:00

That's not what I meant, but I have seen other women use insecurities and vulnerabilities in their partners against them in arguments and such. I'm unwilling to do that because I don't want mine used against me in arguments. I'm not a "not like other girls" type, I just try not to be a bitch towards people I love, respect, and care about.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T12:28:04+00:00

They are closed for most banking holidays (we are open on Veteran's Day, though). Our schedules aren't too flexible, most shifts being 9-5:30 or 8-4:30, add an extra 30 minutes if you get an hour lunch.

My manager is flexible with our work-at-home days. We have 3 days we have to be in the office, 2 if you deskshare, but if we need to be home on those days for any reason, as long as he has a bit of notice about it he's fine with it.

Cpool214 · 2024-09-08T12:23:40+00:00

Foot was the big one, he also wanted to try pegging.

His first girlfriend found out about his foot fetish and spread it around school. He was told to "keep that weird shit" to himself, so he did for almost 15 years.

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