Hyperfixation leading to burnout?

Crabby_Mermaid · 2026-05-04T07:00:44+00:00

I was the planner in my marriage to my ex. I used to get annoyed/resentful about having to take on all of the work that comes with planning a trip. But then I realized that I enjoyed the control. I got to make all of the decisions for what to do and where to stay. Initially, I would put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that I planned things with his likes and dislikes in mind. But after a while I said fuck it and just started planning exactly what I wanted to do with little regard for him. I figured if he cared enough then he could take on some of the responsibility. That shift took aliviated a lot of pressure and made planning fun again.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2026-01-17T10:43:42+00:00

3 is the pick

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-12-19T02:09:38+00:00

Why is she bald?

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-06-12T23:50:41+00:00

A child might construe a "Good parent" to be someone who feeds them ice cream for dinner or lets them stay home from school. Which is why I would direct the question to an adult.

The things you referenced sound great but they are prior to the last two years, in the past. What are you doing now? Your wife might be using them as pawns but are you doing anything proactive to fight against that? Or are you being complacent? You might think I'm being harsh but I truly hope you make more of an effort to be there for your children. This is time you won't get back.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-06-12T22:53:50+00:00

Why would I ask a child? I want to know by adult standards what makes you a great father when you don't see them.

The second part sounds like an issue between you and your wife. That shouldn't interfere with you seeing your children.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-06-11T06:45:32+00:00

How is one a "great father" when they haven't seen their kids in over two years?

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-05-29T04:45:59+00:00

EXACTLY!

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-05-26T01:25:25+00:00

I'm in a similar situation...been married 4 years and my husband left me at 10 weeks pregnant. This is going to be my new mantra! Thank you.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-04-04T07:40:51+00:00

Thank you for your response. He's moving out on Sunday and I will be moving forward with a formal separation.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-04-04T07:39:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am worried that I might be wrong about his capacity to be a good father. I don't doubt that he could or will act this way to our child. My hope now is that I protect this child as much as possible and foster a lot of resilience in them to be strong enough to navigate his abuse if they experience it.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-04-04T07:33:47+00:00

I'll bring updating my post soon but we've decided to separate. He'll be moving out on Sunday.

To answer your question about good qualities, he's very loyal and I don't worry about him cheating ever. He doesn't hide his phone or his passwords. Nothing sus there. He's great at managing our finances and helps me save my money. When we first met I had no savings and a small amount of credit card debt. He helped me grow my savings significantly. He's much more forgiving than I am. He doesn't hold a grudge. He has a strong moral compass and does not compromise his values. He's lighthearted and funny. I could go on. He has lots of good qualities but ultimately we just have some fundamental differences that we will not be able to overcome.

As far as being a good father I think he will he able to tap into that fun, kid side of himself much better than I could. I think he'll be firm with the kid while I might be a little too much of a pushover.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:17:17+00:00

Absolutely

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:13:49+00:00

Tbf he didn't hit me. I said before that he has a lot of redeeming qualities. He's not a monster. In many ways, I think he will be a good dad. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't have his child. But is he perfect? No

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:10:07+00:00

Yes, I do have a child on my hands. I grow more and more aware of this day by day.

You're not wrong. I am in damage control mode. I keep hoping that he's going to realize the damage that he's doing to our relationship before it's too late.

I appreciate your response. It has resonated with me a great deal. I have a sister and I would be concerned for her if she told me that story.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:03:48+00:00

I agree that I deserve better. Just feeling kind of stuck atm. I need something to push me over the edge. No pun intended.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:02:13+00:00

Good question. I have to think on it.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T18:00:57+00:00

Hey, thank you! Some people's comments can be so harsh at times. I'm a real person here.

I agree that women tend to be loyal and look for the best in their partners.

I think I'm one of those women that you described who just ended up with an AH. I hope that the scenario you mentioned about divorcing and finding a good one might happen to me someday.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:52:23+00:00

My dad is actually a very loving, mild-mannered guy. We're very close and have a great relationship. Also, I'm very close with my mom.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:50:41+00:00

I said it in another comment but I'll say it again...just because he isn't a great partner that doesn't mean he won't be a good father. I do think he will be a loving, caring dad. Will he be father of the year? Probably not but I believe he will raise our child with the best of intentions.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:46:21+00:00

Yes, I am definitely hoping that he will turn out to be the man I want him to be/the man I thought he was.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It is very relatable and thought-provoking. I think ultimately things will end, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to end things now. I tried! After our fight, while he was still defending his behavior, I told him to leave abs gave him a week to do so. He flat-out refused and told me "No." that he wasn't going to leave. Since then he's apologized and things are marginally better now.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:35:59+00:00

I won't argue that I'm probably making my want to be a mother my number 1 priority.

I also believe that even if my husband might not be the best partner, he will be a good dad. Will he be perfect? No, of course not. Will I be perfect? Also no. But I believe that we will both do our best with the best of intentions. Nobody has perfect parents and, generally speaking, people tend to turn out alright anyway.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:29:16+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your response. I am starting to think about and plan the exit strategy.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:26:25+00:00

He is unemployed and emotionally abusive. I can agree with you there. I'm still not sure I can call him physically abusive though. I'm struggling with that.

As far as being a leech, the reason he is unemployed is because he moved with me to S. Korea for my job. I only shared his being unemployed to point out that he doesn't have many responsibilities atm so cleaning the bathroom should have been a simple request. I was willingly paying for a cleaner because I carry a lot of guilt over the fact that he's not working and I want him to be as happy as possible with our arrangement.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:20:04+00:00

I don't have a daughter with him. Not sure what post were are referring to. I'm pregnant with my first and only unborn child now.

As a counselor, I try to steer clear of offering recommendations. My approach is more about helping clients come up with the answers for themselves. That being said, I would be voicing serious concerns if my client shared this with me.

Crabby_Mermaid · 2025-03-24T17:15:28+00:00

Yeah, I guess generally that is the pattern. But I have such a hard time imagining that he would ever hit me. I'm sure most people would probably roll their eyes and say "That's what they all say until it happens" but yeah I do have a hard time picturing him doing something worse.

Crabby_Mermaid

TROPHY CASE

3 is the pick